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Friday, 28 November 2003


No, not the movie by Cronenberg (tagline: 'the only thing worse than losing your mind is finding it again').

It's this thing, which was lifeless on the ceiling of my hallway for five months. I made sure it was dead, by poking a cat up towards the ceiling, on the end of a pole, and shouting "eat it! eat the spider!"
The cat meowed, as if to say "touch me again and I'll rip your fucking face open", so I assumed there was no nutritional value left within the insect's mildewed husk.

Until.... one day last week, I glanced up to see it suspended eight inches down on a thread. I thought it had slipped the surly bonds of its mortal coil, and was hanging by a weakly tessellated arse thread (hair takes longer to decay, dunnit?), but the next day it was back in its death-spot eight feet up, on the ceiling.
Now it descends only when I have a really bad, dark day. I get to the top of the stairs, shoot a haunted look upwards, mutter "the fuck you did", and shuffle past. But what is it?


What is it?

Where did the other legs go?

Is it dead?

Why is it collecting ginger hairs?

Why has it moved twice in seven months?

Will the ginger hairs allow it to regenerate?

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Vanessa/Female/31-35. Lives in United Kingdom/London/East London/Bow, speaks English and German. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection. And likes Literature / Movies/Food / Eating / Drinking.
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This page graced by sarsparilla at 10:52 PM GMT
Updated: Saturday, 29 November 2003 7:23 PM GMT
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Friday, 28 November 2003 - 11:03 PM GMT

Name: jatb

A small disabled crab?

Friday, 28 November 2003 - 11:23 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Crabs have legs on both sides, though, don't they? It looks most like Ridley Scott's Alien creature before it hatched.

Friday, 28 November 2003 - 11:32 PM GMT

Name: Mike
Home Page:

what the hell is it? ... some kinda tick or parasite?

thats got me freaked out :-/

Friday, 28 November 2003 - 11:34 PM GMT

Name: jatb

I would fcuking hope its not one of those!

Friday, 28 November 2003 - 11:35 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

You're freaked out?! I have to walk past it to p|ss!

Friday, 28 November 2003 - 11:37 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

It does look like a pubic louse somehow, what with the ginger hairs and all.
[I speak from pictorial knowledge alone, obviously. The wonders of a National Geographic subscription.... .cough ...]

Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 12:10 AM GMT

Name: jatb

It puts moving house in a whole new light.

Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 12:28 AM GMT

Name: NWJ
Home Page:

Knock it down with the cats tail, if it moves put it in a glass and send it to the zoo.

Maybe you have found the first of an unknown speicies of creepy crawly lousey mitey kinda thingy.

Alternatively swear at it and give it shifty looks every time you walk past it - scare it into submission.

Oh and as a final thought (a la Jerry Springer, who says its only moved twice in seven months, maybe you have only caught it moving twice, it could have been have a mooch round its palatial palace whilst you and the other inhabitants slept. Look for small ginger hairs throughout the house and you will see its nightly stroll. It could be feeding off your fear and anxiety.


Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 12:48 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

NWJ said:
Knock it down with the cats tail, if it moves put it in a glass and send it to the zoo.
Knock it down?! It's eight feet up! It will fall either into my face, my hair, my mouth (tremble) or it will fall behind some of hte @#%$! in the hall, and then it will live on, silent, unmoving, but somewhere I can't see it. At least I know where it is, there.
Alternatively swear at it and give it shifty looks every time you walk past it - scare it into submission.
Exactly the technique I've employed. :o)
it could have been have a mooch round its palatial palace whilst you and the other inhabitants slept. Look for small ginger hairs throughout the house and you will see its nightly stroll.
Now you're being a scary lady. Go 'way! (crosses self backwards)
It could be feeding off your fear and anxiety.
Seems the whole house is doing that, these days, what with the thumping rolling attic sounds, the oil pouring down two walls daily, the horror creature in the hall, and the white tide marks appearing round the toilet each day .... I'm turning into Carrie.

Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 12:49 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I'm sooooooo gonna move house in the New Year. This place is creeping me out.

Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 1:49 AM GMT

Name: The Vic-sterminator
Home Page:

Drop whatever you are doing, leave all your things and get out of the house; get our of the house right now!!!

Actually, it looks very much like a spider without any back legs, although its ginger freakishness is odd. It should have two legs on each side pointing forward and two pointing back when it is dormant, these legs protecting the more vulnerable body from a vicious cat-attack. I think a close inspection (if you dare) may result in finding the joint-stumps where the four missing legs used to articulate about.

Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 5:07 AM GMT

Name: The Rev
Home Page:

It is That Which Should Not Be. I thas been sent as a reminder, perhaps, of things past approached or resolved incorrectly. Or, perhaps it was sent by some secretive goverment agency in an attempt to listen in and gauge the reactions of everyday Brits to the events of the world. Or maybe, just maybe, it's some deranged arachnoid with a penchant towards lethargy and a handicap resulting in a couple of missing chromosomes...
Get a chair, a shoe, and a piece of paper. Climb , flattend, wipe, flush.

Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 9:46 AM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page:

  • Hoover it (providing you have a non-Dyson).

  • Seal the end of the noozle with brown parcel tape.

  • Leave outside.

  • Buy a new hoover on Sunday.

  • That's what I'd do.

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 11:00 AM GMT

    Name: jatb

    Oh I have a non-Dyson hoover I'm about to throw out - would you like it for "spider" sucking purposes?

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 11:05 AM GMT

    Name: jatb

    If you are turning into Carrie, then maybe its the relic of your relationship with Wickedex? In which case it'll get smaller and less fearsome over time until you can saunter past, smirking.

    Oil? Down the walls??

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 2:17 PM GMT

    Name: Vanessa

    Ugh! I know it makes sense, but horror/revulsion forbids me to get any nearer to the thing than I have to.
    It definitely is indeed That Which Should Not Be, but are you sure that metaphorical symbols of the Evil That Men Do can be wiped with the heel of a shoe? Whither the Catholic Church, if this were the case?

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 2:18 PM GMT

    Name: Vanessa

    I have one too, and I've been trying to throw it out for three or four years now. Given that, the spider thingy would be in my hall cupboard inside the taped up vacuum cleaner for another six years. So, no, my inherent crapitude hobbles that very fine plan.

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 2:25 PM GMT

    Name: Vanessa

    That first line nearly had me!

    The thought that it's inanimate, ripped off spare legs might be lying waiting for me somewhere is pretty horrible, too. Ugh.

    My cat's don't go for ginger spiders, it turns out. Not their type. Fussy Fuc|kers.

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 3:49 PM GMT

    Name: The Rev
    Home Page:

    That's what the Catholic Church has been covering up all fo these eons. The original line was not "Get thee behind me, Satan," but rather, "Get thee under my heel, Spider."
    I'm with you, though. I see myself as an outdoorsy-type guy, a man's man if you will. But when it comes to spiders... no, can't cope with 'em. Ever since I had a teacher who lost a friggin' finger - a FINGER - to a fiddle-back (aka Brown Recluse) I have studied them thoroughly and stay away from anything with more than 6 legs. I can spot a spider from 50 meters and tell you exactly what it is - know thine enemy and all.
    Worse comes to worse, get a broom and use the handle to jab at the little bugger until it's a ginger-coloured smear. And leave it where it gets squished... as a warning.

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 4:07 PM GMT

    Name: Vanessa

    So what kind of a spider is this one, then? It's closer than 50 metres.

    Your teacher's finger story sounds like a Tall Tale to me. I was sat on the bus to Creekmouth behind two ten year old boys today, and they pointed out to me the primary school where the teachers go on their teacher training days.
    Boy 1: What do they do in there?
    Boy 2: [knowledgeably] They sit all day and tell Teacher's Tales.

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 8:36 PM GMT

    Name: sarah

    The only thing I can think of is a small house spider - the lack of markings on the abdomen suggest it's somesort of odd morph. you don't live above a fruitshop, do you?

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 8:39 PM GMT

    Name: sarah

    I should probably point out that you might not want to click that link if you're a bit scared of spiders...

    .. or, indeed, read this one. God, I hate spiders.

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 8:41 PM GMT

    Name: sarah

    AAARGH! AAARGH! NO! this one is by far the worst. Move your mouse about. aaaaaarggg *weeps*

    Saturday, 29 November 2003 - 11:11 PM GMT

    Name: NWJ
    Home Page:

    It seems our young Nick has a ponchant for putting large spider on garish and crap fabric.

    Sunday, 30 November 2003 - 12:33 AM GMT

    Name: sarah

    the purple-white-and-orange jumper is my fave, after the hessian; almost as awful as the spiders

    Sunday, 30 November 2003 - 12:37 AM GMT

    Name: Pubican and Licensee

    It looks more like a pubic louse than it does a public house. Just. But it seems to be growing.

    Be very afraid.

    Sunday, 30 November 2003 - 12:42 AM GMT

    Name: Filmgoer

    Watch out for Carrie-advisers. Remember who got grabbed at the end, Sissy.

    Sunday, 30 November 2003 - 2:25 AM GMT

    Name: Vanessa

    Thank Christ I read your second comment just before clicking - I'm petrified of spiders. This is what the butch girlfriend is for. Wish the new one would hurry up and materialise, then she can get shot of the spider. The ex is here tomorrow - wonder if she'll kill it for me.

    Sunday, 30 November 2003 - 10:57 AM GMT

    Name: NWJ
    Home Page:

    Oh, you think its a jumper... I was going more along the lines of a disused travel rug, however its more amusing to think of those colours together in a jumper. Obviously and old person has been wearing the jumper as the spider has made a web. Only an old person could get away with an accessory such as a spider, and only an old person would not move enough to knock the spider off in a hissy fit. Screaming and dancing round whichever room you just so happen to spot the spider on you in!

    Tuesday, 2 December 2003 - 9:24 PM GMT

    Name: sarah

    Old people look cool if they have a pet spider. like the spider that everyone has in their wing mirrors, if they have cars. I must suggest this to my gran.

    You should have seen me when I lived alone. running to the opposite end of the flat and climbing halfway up a book case whilst saying "ee! ee! spider!" and then happily not going into the shower room for four days.

    Luckily for me, beer appears to kill my phobias. I'm sure it's one of those side-effects they never tell you about, like the thing with temazepam.

    Tuesday, 2 December 2003 - 9:45 PM GMT

    Name: Vanessa

    I'm so proud of myself - I squished the money spider that lives in my wing mirror today (on the car, I don't have personal wing mirrors, although that could be quite funny if I did).
    Now I have some icky black squilch and two sticking out spider legs on the window that I can't bear to touch.

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