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Sunday, 26 October 2003

Why The Big Read Sucks


Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Chopin. Yet again. I really should change the CD...
?I hate the opinion of the population. It has been wrong about every single thing that has mattered to me in my life. Their choice in books is bound to be emetic, and so it has proved to be.?
Andrew O'Hagan commented on The Big Read.
Finally finished reading 'The Fourth Hand' today. I used to have to admit that while I loathed books by John Irving, I'd never actually finished one. No longer.

Ignoring the two feet of unread new books at the edge of the sofa, I logged on to amazon to see what the running total of Things They Have Fleeced Me For now stands at.
The personalised frontpage adverts were thus:

Volume 2 of Billy Connolly's biography.
If there's any hesitation at all in lurching for the remote whenever I see this ugly bugger's face leering from a cathode tube, it's to wonder what the hell is funny about the guy.

Over 100 Irresistable French Recipes.
I hate France. (sorry, Toulouse)
I dislike the way grown men aren't ashamed of a hideously predictable Freudian attachment to their horrifically bourgeois mothers. I dislike the utter lack of individualism in French street fashion (jesus, if you wear a colour, you stand out there. I once went to France with hair half shaved and half braided, dyed snowy white. I got free drinks in every bar as long as I put up with thirty minutes of Frenchmen laughing at my gall/gaulle. No wonder I looked grumpy.)
By no means the least is the distaste I hold for their undercooked, oversauced food. The only French food worth stomaching is North African. Irresistable recipes, my arse.

'Monstrous Regiment' by Terry Pratchett.
While I don't loathe Terry Pratchett's books - hey I've read a whole pair of 'em! - I don't actually want to read more. Morevoer, I certainly don't want to be thought of as the sort of person who might read (or --- !horrors! --- role play) Terry Pratchett books. Save them for the day I'm partially paralysed, move to the country, ingest way too many country-boy-drugs and grow a beard like Bill Bailey, thank you.

'Dude, Where's My Country' by Michael Moore.
Amazon, you dim fuckers, I bought 'Stupid White Men' as a Christmas present for somebody else. As did everybody. It's the only reason Michael Moore books ever get onto bestseller lists - people buy his unreadable wanky toss as Crimble gifts for that hard-to-gift cranky leftwing-poseur uncle who won't stop whingeing about the state of the world, insists on a Christmas nutloaf, and actually watches the Channel 4 news to the end. You only need read four pages to realise it's entertainment for the modern, socialist-leaning Victor Meldrew.

Bloody sodding sucky marketing-whore amazon. I hate how it never fails to hide the books I want. I hate that if I need a copy of The Faerie Queene, it offers me the DVD, or the PS2 game.
You go to the search page, and it offers you an oven glove. Every single time I use it, I swear I will never ever ever invoke this pure, crystal amazon-fury by patronising their sucky website again in this reality.

And then .... at the foot of the page, I spy a cut-price edition of 'The Marriage of Heaven and Hell'. I have four copies already, but -- oooooh, there's just one copy left in stock, and look, you save even more if you buy it with Smollett's 'The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker' .....

Note: all links included in this post are negative, grumpy and sarcastic.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 3:08 PM GMT
Updated: Sunday, 26 October 2003 5:22 PM GMT
Post Comment | View Comments (20) | Permalink | Share This Post

Sunday, 26 October 2003 - 4:32 PM GMT

Name: Looby

If Billy Connolly died tomorrow I would jump for joy. He's so unfunny. He shouts "look at me, I'm a stupid Scots twa-t and expects to make a career out of it. And the worst thing is, he's succeeded.

O'Hagen is more up my street. I've pinched that quote for a future sig file.

Anyway must dash, got to go downstairs and pretend to be a loving father for three hours whilst being pissed as a fart.

Sunday, 26 October 2003 - 4:37 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I'm not any great fan of Scotland, and even I can see he's rather lost the right to be called Scottish by now. Live a Lotto indeed.

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 9:25 AM GMT

Name: Sue

you gave that book to me.....so.... I'm a grumpy uncle type eh? But which grumpy uncle?

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 10:14 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I *knew* it! I *knew* you'd say that! I had a guilt-Sue on my shoulder all the way through writing it. Bah!

For my sins, I bought two copies, and I can't remember who I gave the other copy to. Not an uncle. So there, you either disprove my theory, or you can start looking forward to the pipe and slippers you're getting for your birthday next week. (tee hee)

< devilment > Does S think you're a grumpy uncle? < end devilment >

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 2:40 PM GMT

Name: Vic, not of V&A fame.
Home Page: http://http:jaynair.blogspot.com

We should rebuild Hadrian's Wall and keep all the skag heads out of England ;)

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 4:05 PM GMT

Name: paul
Home Page: http://www.noxturne.blogspot.com

You know, i attempt to post here all the time and I screw it up. I swear I'm not retarded.

That said: That picture is worse than grumpy. You look like you're about to eat the camera, I've seen zombies that looked happier.

I've only had a little bit of french cuisine.

And on my Amazon.com wishlist, I state very clearly: Anyone who doesn't read Terry Pratchett deserves crabs. I'm sorry dear. A quick shave job and some alcohol will take care of it. I love pratchett like I love sunshine.

And I kinda.. only kinda... want that new Michael Moore book. I want to see what he has to say. I'm curious.

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 5:11 PM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page: http://www.yidaho.com/mt

My personalised recommendations from the laarvely peeps at Amazon include "When You And Your Mother Can't Be Friends" and "Edward Scissorhands".. Are they purposely trying to make me feel like a freak, do you think?

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 7:01 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ah well, I deeply regret this post already, after this happened to it. (I am a left winger, honest! Don't burn me now!)

That pic shows exactly what I think of Parisian barmen. And why I'm eating in the park, and not a Parisian cafe. I'd had enough.
[TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING ]
That said, I don't care how grumpy it looks, cos it was also two mornings after my first orgasm ever. Ha-hah!

I was listening to Mr Pratchett on the radio yesterday. I listened to the whole thing, and as if by some Paul-ordained miracle, my crabs went away.

How do you want worshipping, master? ;-)

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 7:03 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I would once have agreed, but then I met some nice ones, and tamed my more odious opinions. In public places, anyway.

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 7:06 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I think if they'd put Struwwelpeter instead of Edward, they'd have you absolutely spot on......

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 10:58 PM GMT

Name: paul
Home Page: http://www.noxturne.blogspot.com

Vanessa, you can't just reveal too much information and not elaborate! Is it in your archives already or shall you spill it now? How old were you? HOw was it? Why did it take so long?

See, Pratchett cures crabs! I'm only his disciple, you must go to the master for the cure.

You seriously didn't like anything by him?

Monday, 27 October 2003 - 11:05 PM GMT

Name: dave



More signs that you haven't recovered yet: stuff you write gets linked on a rightwing blog. All hail, Zobette!

So, about this orgasm?

Tuesday, 28 October 2003 - 12:41 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

The only other bit of the story that's even nearly weird enough to divulge is that ten years later, to the day, I got an email from the, ahem, other party, reminding me of my own, ahem, anniversary.

Bet he hopes I don't mensh that to his wife next time I see her.

Tuesday, 28 October 2003 - 12:48 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Okay, okay, I liked the People Under the Carpet (I think that was the name) better than the Discworld.
I do my bit, I don't dislike his stuff at all (I actually only said, mid-furious-rant, that I didn't want to read more, yet!), and I recommend his books to a different impressionable youngster to read at minimum once a week.

See earlier comment for more Too Much Information. And no, my archives run from July 03.

Tuesday, 28 October 2003 - 9:44 AM GMT

Name: Sue

Birthday pressie's was mentioned....Wellies with warm fluffy bit inside, size 6, regimental green ones from the market ok.

Tuesday, 28 October 2003 - 11:07 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Like the Queen's?

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 9:15 AM GMT

Name: Sue

Diamonte

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 12:04 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Size?

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 2:15 PM GMT

Name: cheeks
Home Page: http://www.petergasston.co.uk/

Regardless of whether or not Michael Moore gets his facts wrong from time to time, the fact is that he should be receiving more applause just for making people question what they are being told. I find some of his writing too radical at times, but name one other populist investigative author that at least dares to challenge popular opinion.

Wednesday, 29 October 2003 - 4:36 PM GMT

Name: Sue

Sixes please!!!! Unless extra furry and then 7's purlease...

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