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Friday, 26 March 2004

Act Your Shoe Size


Topic: Creepy Lesbo

Tonight I was initiated into a secret corporate society of older Irish scary women. It was scary and hilarious, all wrapped up. The average age was 52, and they were more ribald and dangerous than most women a quarter of their age. And getting away with it. If I were passing out cold with my face in the curry at any of my local restaurants, I'd not live it down as fast, for sure.

I'm hoping if I hang around them long enough, I'll find out where the bodies are buried at work (taken me damn near a decade to infiltrate this far), and learn to be utterly dominating like they are.

When a taxi driver turned up, all scarlet too tight tracksuit, spiky blond hairdo and blaring ragga at a million decibels from his boy racer, speeding his tits off and giggling fit to bust, he was no match for them, no match at all.

"Are you Australian?" they grilled him as he took a corner on two wheels.

"I'm from Mile End, love." Giggle giggle. "Why do you think I'm Australian?"

"Ah, well, near enough," colleague spits, "you're all convicts."

It wasn't enough of a warning shot across the bows, though, for a nuthead cab driver quite this ripped off his tits, and the poor fool continued his manic banter, unaware of just how few strips had been torn off him.

"Final tip, love: you're a cab driver. Try shutting your trap."

This page graced by sarsparilla at 10:59 PM GMT
Updated: Thursday, 8 April 2004 3:37 PM BST
Post Comment | View Comments (10) | Permalink | Share This Post

Saturday, 27 March 2004 - 2:10 AM GMT

Name: Missuh
Home Page: http://www.upsaid.com/missuhgolightly

I love it.
Loveitloveitloveit.
"Ah'm fifty. Fifty yearz ole. I like to kick. & stretch. & kick. I'm fifty!"

Saturday, 27 March 2004 - 4:27 AM GMT

Name: Lux
Home Page: http://www.shylux.blogspot.com

"speeding his @#%$! off..."

As in the car? Or in a chemical kind of way?

Saturday, 27 March 2004 - 9:01 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

As in chemical, I think. But they harshed his vibe somewhat.

Saturday, 27 March 2004 - 9:04 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

It was cool to be the youngest there by a decade or so. I mostly work with 27-30 year olds, who tend to be po faced and dead serious about being as conventional as they can before they hit thirty (birthday coming up! Must get married, buy house, have children, and act like a corporate soulless @#%$! at work, quick!) so at 33 you get used to being one of the older ones who doesn't give a f uck. Now I see how much more I have to learn about that stance....

Monday, 29 March 2004 - 8:02 PM GMT

Name: Nursie
Home Page: http://muddyblog.typepad.com

I'm 38. 40 coming up. I should act...what? Dead? Dead-drunk? That's it, I'll take up drinking!

Monday, 29 March 2004 - 10:55 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

You have around another 43-52 years to go. You gonna spend them all feeling old? You haven't even lived your life yet!

Tuesday, 30 March 2004 - 1:20 AM GMT

Name: Cyn

Were the older Irish scary women being cheeky, rude, or menopausal?

Tuesday, 30 March 2004 - 5:51 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

To me: fun. To cab driver: deliberately nasty.

Tuesday, 30 March 2004 - 8:53 AM GMT

Name: Looby

LOL! It must be great being able to push your age aruond like that.

Tuesday, 30 March 2004 - 5:02 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I'm going to start practising now, so I get really good at it in good time...

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