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Wednesday, 3 December 2003


Foggy day. Visibility one hundred yards at one point. Outside my window at work, the City of London, Canary Wharf, Elmstead Woods all disappeared. Then the other end of the building was lost in the mist.
As a little kid, walking to school in the fog with jatb, I used to believe that the gods who created the world were having a lie-in. That the world round the corner didn't ever exist until you turned that corner and it was ready for you. On a foggy day, you caught the gods out, and you could see the process happening as they tried to keep up with your pace.
Of course this means that all other humans were obviously a figment of my imagination. So the member of the public whom I accidentally told to "fuck off and get out of my face" this morning doesn't really exist except as a way for my own mind to punish me. Likewise, the huge amount of work I've conquered this week is a paltry invention feeding my need for self-esteem. The problems I've had sleeping aren't real - there is no sleep. There's just the gods' working hours, getting the world ready for my inspection. I've already remarked on here the weirdness that is medication meant to make me sleep that doesn't actually make me sleepy, but merely punishes me if I don't sleep. It figures. If I don't sleep, I make them work harder.
If everything but me is unreal, then I'm not really grinding my teeth habitually. I'm imagining I'm grinding my teeth in order to get sympathy from myself.
It doesn't matter that I tried to buy Christmas presents today, then a hundred pounds the lighter realised I'd dully bought the same present for everyone. Because these people only exist in order to make me feel less alone.
After hearing on the radio (that is, a voice inside my head) that 68% of UK women don't buy a new outfit for their office christmas party, I went to some imaginary clothes shops, and invented some mirrors to show me that I've lost too much weight and look weird for it, so that I could worry needlessly.
In fact, does my body exist? I feel sure that my mind doesn't.
Perhaps I'm like that Tales of the Unexpected Story, 'William and Mary', where the guy is a brain suspended in jelly, with an eyeball attached, watching helpless as the wife who hated him shows him things he can't turn away from.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 10:29 PM GMT
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Thursday, 4 December 2003 - 6:43 AM GMT

Name: ThePimpress
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the way you write i feel as though i'm watching the fog roll through London proper obsfucating everything it touches. perhaps though the waking world is still a dream and have never had a waking moment in our lives. for example our lives are micro-seconds long and we are now having that near death experience unfolding in our minds. much like "Jacobs Ladder" only there was never a vietnam or a war we've only dream there was.

Thursday, 4 December 2003 - 6:58 AM GMT

Name: Lux
Home Page:

That was very Zen. Have you ever seen the movie Fight Club? You might find it interesting and/or therapeutic.

Also I'm fairly new to your blog, so you may have already covered this, but have you tried Ambien for sleep? I'm a chronic insomniac and that's the only thing that sometimes helps.

Thursday, 4 December 2003 - 7:04 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

No I haven't, I'll ask about it. My sleep patterns are improving, it's just that they dropped to two hours a night when I split up with my girlfriend a month ago or so. It's also complicated by the fact that it's not that I can't sleep, I can. It's more feeling wired and not bothering to. Hence the more pavlovian response to take pills that make you feel groggy if you don't sleep.

Thursday, 4 December 2003 - 2:20 PM GMT

Name: Joe
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I know the feeling of not getting much sleep, I was up all night last night with a tummy ache. But I am feeling a little better now. Well, I hope that you have a wonderful day. :)

Thursday, 4 December 2003 - 11:16 PM GMT

Name: tess
Home Page:

I've thought that way before - the whole world exists as an extension of myself; when I sleep life is suspended till I reawaken, people are only animated and in existence when I am there. But then, every time, I realise that if I were God of my own world it wouldn't be so fcuking shlt

Friday, 5 December 2003 - 7:10 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Unless, just maybe, you are god of your own world, but you're more deeply f|ucked up than even you realise? I think that would make sense.

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