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Wednesday, 14 January 2004


Dear Vanessa

You have decided that I am your prisoner. I never ever go out. Except for those few times I got between Wickedex's legs, dashed down the stairs straight into a fight between some monstrous rabid cats.
Still, some sights are arresting. Some days I manage a glimpse of what life might be like if I didn't have a fucker like you locking the door.

Yours, The Cat

Dear Vanessa

I live on the wall at the end of your street. I try to explain why half your street is Georgian terrace, but every now and then is a modern building, looking out of place. Why there's a sign by the tube memorialising all the dead.
I do my level best to remind you that there are worse things than selling your poncey yuppie flat at a vast profit and moving on. But do you fucking notice? Look up more, woman.

With regards, The Sign.

Dear Vanessa

You're a Londoner so I irritate you. I've heard you slagging me off and saying you've seen me eat sick. Flying rat, you called me. And you voted for that bastard mayor who banned pigeon feed.
But I have other issues. I can't swim, see. I have to stand at the side and watch the world get their bread. Maybe it's not so great in there. Maybe the bigger birds peck at you, or nick all the good stuff. Maybe it's icy cold, and you have to fight the others to get to your crumbs.
I know there's nothing I can do about it, but some days you have to dream.

I remain, The Pigeon

This page graced by sarsparilla at 6:07 PM GMT
Updated: Wednesday, 14 January 2004 6:15 PM GMT
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Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 6:20 PM GMT

Name: Legomen
Home Page:

Dear Vanessa's Cat,

Crap in her shoes and hide her tea-towels.I have a plot for Global Domination that is formulating nicely under the guise of being an insouciant beast. Maybe we could pool resources and plot the overthrow of the furless bipeds?

Oscar (owner of Legomen)

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 7:54 PM GMT

Name: e
Home Page:

Dear Vanessa,
Sometimes I have days when I feel really stupid, particularly when I read absolutely brilliant texts like the ones above. I can't decide whether this is a good thing or not.
I remain your faithful fan,

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 8:20 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ahhh, but I have two cats, and the other one prefers indoors, in fact, underneath things is the only truly safe place. Of course, this nicer, more grateful cat is marred by regular puke and happyfarts that smell of salami, but at least I don't have to shut her in a high kitchen cupboard till she quits the damn whining, like with the other one.

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 8:22 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

That's nice of you to say, I thought it was a s h i t blog, myself. But it wasn't as maudlin as the PMS whinges, so it passed.

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 10:12 PM GMT

Name: someoneSomewhere

The cat letter is my favorite. You can almost hear him thinking that as he looks outside.

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 10:41 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

It's the tail....

Wednesday, 14 January 2004 - 11:27 PM GMT

Name: billy
Home Page:

dear vanessa,

yesterday I wrote a comment about how erotic it was sat at my computer imagining your body and your scars...somehow that comment seems to have disappeared...this is probably a good thing as I have now gone "right off" you because I bet you let your cats into your bedroom


Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 12:34 AM GMT

Name: Harvey
Home Page:

Bah, think yourself lucky. I'd give my right testicle to sleep my the kettle all day. Come to think of it, I did..

Love Harv

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 12:55 AM GMT

Name: Fluffy
Home Page:

HAHA brilliant post! Loved it.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 2:41 AM GMT

Name: Anne
Home Page:

Hmm, must be "cat" day. Er....your scars??? Umm...ok I don't wanna know, really. Vanessa, lock up tight tonight, though, ok?? Also, update yer blogroll! I've moved.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:36 AM GMT

Name: Rose
Home Page:

I love your posts (most of them; some of them make me think though).

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 6:56 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I did - there's a no man's land area of my links that I can't get into - your real link is below that bit!

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 6:57 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

ROFL! Your cats always look much eviller than mine....

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 6:57 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

And right in me bed, too. I can't stop them, they attack my toes.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 7:00 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

That sounds like in a bad way... ooer. Sorry if some of them are disturbing - this is my diary, see.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 7:03 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cheers - almost as good as your -Billyrunstheinternetthelyingbastard- post... :)

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 12:37 PM GMT

Name: shopaholic
Home Page:

Great entry! I can almost see the yearning in the cat's eyes.....

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 12:54 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

So can I. She's sitting next to me now, giving me withering looks.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 1:20 PM GMT

Name: Jack
Home Page:

Dear Vanessa,

Need new batteries.

The vibrator.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 2:06 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

And there I thought I was unshockable....

Dear Vibrator

Used em all on the bathroom radio, after I left radio 4 playing all night.

Yours, Vanessa

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 3:44 PM GMT

Name: NC

Re: Mr Cat

So absolutely everyone/everything is writing blogs now. It's a fever of contamination;-)

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:02 PM GMT

Name: Kat
Home Page:

Dear Vanessa,

If you let that cat out here I'm going to choke it to death with the weeds and dead plants that you've left me with.


The Patio

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:29 PM GMT

Name: sarah

that's not a cat, it's a bloody snow leopard

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:55 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ahhh, so you spotted the Big Cat Alerts in the news, too, huh?
It spat on my face to wake me up this morning. A pawprint check reveals it's a 'personal nemesis', not a feline creature at all.

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:57 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I'm telling my mum what you called her patio, and she'll tell your mum...

Thursday, 15 January 2004 - 4:58 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

There's actually a whole genre of blogs purportedly written by pets or by newborn babies. They're irredeemably cutesy - I laughed the first time I saw one, after that I was just reminded it's probably a mere matter of time till dead relatives get their own blogs.

Friday, 16 January 2004 - 12:27 AM GMT

Name: Eurotrash
Home Page:


Is remarkably funny.

Wish I'd thought of that.

But then I don't have a cat.

But I could have improvised.


Friday, 16 January 2004 - 6:58 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Maybe there's a nice bloke running the pet shop? ;)

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