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Wednesday, 19 May 2004

Pissing bloody bollocks to the blog


Topic: Hurtling to Obscurity

Fuckin stupid ... grrrr ... grumble, moan ...

It's a shitty shitty week - I've been getting in three hours late from work, eating something foul tasting, then collapsing by seven or eight o clock, and not waking till forty minutes after the alarm the next morning, which leads to ethical crises extraordinaire: a little late and no coffee, or a lot late, but awake? (clue: actually, no, you don't need a clue, nobody would be surprised which was the damn answer).

Also shitty: fell asleep and didn't go to a lesbobookclub discussion of my favourite book ever, even though I had spent three months underlining natty quotes, rehearsing my speech about why the heroine was a thinly veiled roman a clef representing yours truly, and also pinned every last shred of dignity and hope upon it being the final opportunity ever to ensnare a woman who can actually read or converse without gulping "gosh you're so intelligent, I find it hard to keep up with you" (clue: never true; other clue: basically an insult; another clue: never going to be taken well unless you're looking for a Top Dog for your prison ward).

Still shitty: It's summer. It's hot. And there's no way it's not going to get much hotter than this. I'm pasty skinned, pale and celtic looking - kinda grey, kinda lumpy, kinda oatmeal, sorta tones of wet cement with an undercoat of blue - and that's after twenty five hours on a sunbed this spring. Clutching a warm bottle of water, plastering myself with sticky fly attracting sunblock and running from shade to shade to get to my non-air con workplace is somewhat less than a thrill a minute. I like Autumn. Roll on frigging autumn. My clothes are wrinkled (no iron), and sweaty (no car) and grubby (no washing machine). This was never going to be pleasant, but I'd at least hoped for hygienic.

The shit it shitteth all day long: hayfever. Taking double the max dosage of hayfever tabs, but still spend half the day wandering around with a mouth like a fractious anus, one finger hesitantly laid a centimetre below my nose, intoning the hayfever sufferers' mantra, 'ah ... ahh ... ah, ah ... ah'.

It shitteth nightly also: In Liverpool, I sneaked a look at Sarah's weighing scales, and it turns out I weigh fourteen pounds more than I should do. That makes me a fat lardy munter overcompensating for my turdy lardiness by eating willy nilly. This must stop. There have to be limits set (clue: biscuits). Deadlines established (clue: bikini). (hah! bikini! What bikini?!) (clue: exactly. Get off your lardy arse).

Even shittier: I had hard-won tickets for a poetry recital (fuck off, okay, I like it), where Seamus Heaney, Harold Pinter, Tony Harrison (that's three living eternal geniuses - poets, for the uninitiated) and Vanessa Redgrave and someone called Balcon (actors, ah buh-leeve) were reciting the poems of Stephen Spender (mate of Chris Isherwood, whose book 'Goodbye Berlin' was filmed as 'Cabaret' - dead good, possessor of big feet, ex boyf of one of my uni profs, and well into artistically arranged nude Nazis - oh do keep up at the back, there, we'll be testing you on this later), discussing his work, and reading works of their own inspired by Spender. It took me forever to secure a single ticket at the very furthest end of the auditorium, and guess what? (clue: involves snoring, in bed, at home).

Yet shittiest: My fucking ever-reliable car, with the broken glow plugs, with the broken brake light, with the flat battery, with the used up battery cell, with the impending MOT in two week's time, and the garage twenty miles away across the river in Barking .... (clue: kranken. Again).

Solution? Went to boss and asked him to help do my work. Decided to go to work late every day, in jeans and trainers (I speet on your dress code), and play classical music extremely loudly at all times to distort colleagues' sense of absolute entitlement to my attention. Allowed myself with perfect impunity to lose my rag completely at least twice a day. Spent this evening in a mad effort to paint my fingers and toes a violent and repulsive purplish pink, phone several friends, plan a weekend of socialising, and bought some scales to go on a diet. Yumlicious.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 11:32 PM BST
Updated: Wednesday, 19 May 2004 11:38 PM BST
Post Comment | View Comments (8) | Permalink | Share This Post

Thursday, 20 May 2004 - 1:04 AM BST

Name: Norman

......"was filmed as 'Cabaret'....." I think it was filmed in the early 60s as "I am a Camera." Good ol Sally Bowles, the once love of my life!.....
If yr Blog is going to self destruct in July,please keep visible, so we can continue our required reading?
Take care.

Thursday, 20 May 2004 - 1:19 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

I always thought of Sally Bowles as blonde, somehow, with flighty curls, despite seeing Cabaret years and years before reading the book.

Thursday, 20 May 2004 - 6:26 AM BST

Name: Lux

The Broadway remake of Cabaret, which closed recently, was *amazing*... directed by Sam Mendes of American Beauty fame... and verrrry dark. Sally was played by Miss (at the time) America ... expected her to be crap but she was fanf uckintabulous. (Natasha Richardson and Alan Cumming were in the original cast... they'd left by the time I saw it).

Then I saw the movie, which was s hit compared to the live production. Liza...ugghh. Still haven't read the book... can't find a copy anywhere.

And as for allergies/hayfever... TREES = BAD. Can only breathe out of 1/4 of a nostril and right ear is making odd ringing sound. Hurts to move eyeballs. Should go to bed as is 1:30 in the morning here. night.

Thursday, 20 May 2004 - 6:56 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

I think my hayfever is grass, cos it doesn't start till June, usually, and is over by late July, coinciding exactly with exam season.
Thanks for the interesting info about Cabaret - over here he's still Sam Mendes of Donmar Warehouse fame, but that's mostly because that's the way deeply London-centric minds work.
Amazon has 4 'Goodbye to Berlin' ugly copies. Spender's book, The Temple is more interesting, to my mind, for his obvious attraction to the successors of the Weimar Republic.

Thursday, 20 May 2004 - 5:53 PM BST

Name: Sie

I've been rather disappointed with what I perceive as a lack of reasonable heat from the wonderful English summer.

Thursday, 20 May 2004 - 6:47 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Well you will live Oop North, so you can't complain. I was on a beach in Formby on Saturday, and there was a winkle of sun. The toddlers were taking off their night vision goggles and laughing at the novelty of it all.

Friday, 21 May 2004 - 12:56 AM BST

Name: looby
Home Page: http://www.loobynet.com

I had hayfever for decades, then whether it was coincidence or not I was treated by a homeopath and it;a almost disappeared.

Friday, 21 May 2004 - 6:42 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

Mm, you're right, homeopathic remedies for hayfever always work at the recommended dosage, unlike pharmaceutical medicines, which require two to three times the max daily dosage, and leave you feeling drowsy and zombified all the time. And sneezing.

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