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Wednesday, 5 May 2004

The Art of Lesbian Online Dating, Vol # 2


Topic: Belle de Jour


Courtesy of Merc.


Welcome back young grasshoppers..
Hopefully with the assistance of the lesbian rules volume one.. you have managed to procure yourselves a woman for the evening..
Excellent.

Here are a few simple guidelines to ease your passage (fnar fnar) through that hazardous jungle also known as the first date.

This volume is going to concentrate on "the date at the meet" .. the favoured pre luurve scenario for the w.i (woefully inept)

  • what to wear:

    This is an often debated subject amongst pre daters.. it requires multi phone calls to friends.. the hiring of a homosexual male for the evening so that he can give you an unbiased view of your backside "in this".

    The answer to this quandry, my friends is simple:
    CLASSIC.

    something along the lines of nicely aged levis, a black v-neck something in *lightweight wool*.. and boots, not white hi-tec's thankyouverymuch.

    accessorise well.. do not approach the first date by wearing a sovreign on every finger for 2 reasons -
    1) green fingers are not attractive on anybody.. 2) as women are genetically predisposed to notice everything, lust object will take one look at your "decoration" and decide that you obviously never take them off, ergo you havent been laid in a very long time. this may be offputting. go easy tigers.

    nb* .. by lightweight i do not mean something large and arran favoured by the military or shephards in nova scotia - you do not want your object of desire to think that you spend your life looking like a large shiny beetroot.


  • what not to wear:

    the answer to this question my friends, is also simple.

    ANYTHING FLAMMABLE

    the reasons for this are three fold..

    1) - flammable garments are a crime against fa-h-sh-un.. loud hawaii prints and manga cartooned shirts should have been banned when "miami vice" finished its t.v run..
    if you have problems letting go of your polyester.. take a deep breath.. stand in front of a mirror.. and repeat after me:
    i am not don johnson.
    i am not don johnson.
    i am not don johnson.

    (for the cheaters out there - neither are you thomas magnum p.i - that excuse is unacceptable)

    2) there is always one person at a meet that holds a grudge against wearers of polyfabrics.. it is likely that they have evolved further than you.. so they may be aware of the destructive properties of fire.. and more to the point.. willing to use them..
    beware the quiet one in the corner holding a cigarette, rest assured that her motives will not be innocent.
    avoid prolonged trips to the hospital burns department by adhering strictly to this rule.

    3) can you say "sweaty betty?"


  • the discussion of drinks..

    so.. you have got this far.. you are appropriately dressed.. you have managed to tempt o-o-d out on a date.. you hit the bar.. the question will arise:

    what are you drinking?

    a. - go for a spirit and mixer.. think vodka redbull.. TVR.. vodka & cranberry (although when opting for this bevarage it may be wise to jokingly tell lust object that no, you dont have a urinary tract infection.. you just like the taste).. tequila and fresh orange.. etc.. etc

    why not beer i hear you cry?

    1) .. nobody likes a beery burper..
    2) .. ordering a pint of beer speaks volumes.. it says: "i like to drink pints, i belch alot, on a sunday morning i like to sit on the sofa wearing my favourite football teams strip and read the news of the world whilst scratching things"
    3) .. pints = large volume of liquid.. large volume of liquid = many trips to the toilet.. beware of leaving o-o-d frequently when going on loo runs.. this leaves her as easy pray to the other w.i meeters.. drink small.. unless you want to dig her out from underneath a pack of leeches on your lavatorial return.

    shandy - its an absolute no no.. its like beer.. but for the alcoholically inept.. it just screams.. "im a secret lemonade drinker.. but i like to disguise the lemon as beer when im out so that i can still keep some semblance of social credibility" .. (urban myth #13775)


  • the early date "getting to know each other" chatting..

    young grasshoppers.. here we have an infallable plot.. you see, you have chosen a "meet" as your first date.. this means that you will be in a smoky and loud environment.. surrounded by bad dancing and other assorted shennanigans..

    this will work in your favour..

    a) - object of desire will not be able to pump you for the kind of information that you dont want to divulge for 2 simple reasons..
    1- she cant hear you, you cant hear her.
    2- smoke. she cant see you, you cant see her.

    your date is likely to avoid conversation as she feels that you may find her less attractive if every time she speaks you can see her tonsils..

    b) - as all conversation is out.. you will have to resort to finding other forms of entertainment..
    ladies and gentlewomen..
    i give you..
    the dancers!
    even when sound has been compromised by the environment.. it is still perfectly possible to observe and mock flailing on the dancefloor.. this is a win/win situation..
    1) - she will assume by your mocking of the uncoordinated limbs afflicted that you yourself can dance.. an assumption that never needs to be disproven.. - WIN
    2) - the amusement value of the above is endless.. so a dull evening of stilted conversation and stuttering has been well and truly avoided.. - WIN


  • temptations as the evening and alcoholic consumption progresses..

    temptation 1 - lift your top to expose your bra.
    temptation 2 - drop your trousers to expose your underwear.
    temptation 3 - dance.

    oh, where to begin.

    1 - NO .. this is an abysmal tactic.. i cannot be emphatic enough..

    breasts are nothing more (when publicly displayed btw, bedroom frolics not included) ..than bags of fat.. udders.. do you really want to show the the woman that youre attempting to impress 2 fat-sacks poorly contained in an "originally white but now multiwash gray" bra? ..
    no, you dont..
    it is guaranteed that if the grrl youre attempting to bed sees this she will run a mile.. even if she is polite enough not to run forrest, run.. you will not be getting any goods at the end of the evening.. this is a fact.

    2 - NO .. this is THE MOST abysmal tactic.. once again, i cannot be emphatic enough..

    odds are #1000 to #1 that you are not famke janssen, angelina jolie, milla jovovich, pamela anderson etc.. you may think that you are.. but believe me.. this is the alcohol taking control of your brain..
    you are not a supermodel.
    you are not an underwear model.
    you are not a fetish lingere model.
    even if you ARE any of the above.. it is good taste not to prove this until you are out of the public eye.

    odds are #100 to #1 that you are wearing boxer shorts (i have no idea why, but that isnt the point) .. what you are planning on doing in your drunken state.. is to remove your outer leg cladding garments.. to reveal enough reams of fabric to house a small family of refugees.. also.. boxers are made for men.. they have that little slit down the middle that in a cruel twist of fate is likely to be gaping to reveal the proverbial god-knows-what.. also.. in the downwards dragging of denim.. you run the risk of taking some short with you.. thus enabling the woman of your dreams to make some serious judgements about you regarding ass crack cleavage..
    prospective shag has every right to run at this point.. in fact i would positively encourage it.

    3 - you are drunk.. you are poorly coordinated.. you are attempting to strut your stuff.. you think you look like john travolta in the days of saturday night fever.. this is alcoholica dancia.. a halucinatory state, if you will..
    you actually look like youre having some sort of seizure.. this is no good thing..
    women.. being intelligent, observant, and worldly wise associate dancing with bedroom skills.. why?.. rhythm..
    if you can dance.. you have rhythm.. therefore the motion of your ocean will guarantee one sweet ride..
    if you cant dance.. you dont have rhythm.. therefore it would be fair of your date to assume that the motion of your ocean will be choppy at best.. you may become over excited and fall off whichever surface you choose for "amour".. and basically.. she will decide to ditch you on the spot as you clearly couldnt fuck your way out of a paper bag.


  • have we reached the point where we bring in our mumandbestfriend who explains the route of our allergies?
    have we explained why we only drink decaf tea?
    have we discussed whether deodrant is a good idea or a bad idea and if that sandalwood stuff from Lush is really lush? (or just hums like a lesbian)


  • the do's and donts of small gestures of affection..

    welcome to rocky territory grasshoppers..

    the hand hold - on a tricky scale of 1-10.. the to hold or not to hold comes in at around 8..

    it is my belief that you should ALWAYS wait for the other person to make this move..

    if you dont wait.. and she accepts your hand.. this is a signal..
    it says - i love you.. i want to settle down with you.. raise kittens.. and then impregnate you with a turkey baster.. i know its only our first date.. but i want our child to be called moonbeam.

    if you dont wait.. and she is oblivious to the reaching to grab hand movement.. or rejects it so that you quickly have to compensate by fluidly moving the failed move into some sort of other gesture.. you will end up looking like you have some sort of motor functioning problem.. possibly a twitch..
    really.. if you dont believe me.. try it in front of a mirror.. failed hand grasping always leaves you looking "twitchy"
    not particularly attractive i think you will agree.

    the light and flirtatious touch -
    dont make that move.. leave it to the object of affection..*
    hell you dont want to appear needy do you?

    nb* if object of affection does make this move.. this is not your cue to pounce and put your tongue down her throat.

    kissing.. (pre club leaving.. pre bedroom.. la la)
    dont make that move.. leave it to the o-o-a..
    so, your hormones may be running riot.. you may be primed.. you may be feeling quite unable to wait..
    BUT..
    if lust object rejects this move.. you have no way of compensating to make it look like anything else except a failed attempt at smoochage.. unless you have the brass balls to follow through with the lip swing and risk planting a smacker on the cheek of the next passer by.. (a move that undoubtedly the woman that you are with will NOT appreciate, and no, the risk of flight is not enough to make her kiss you just so that you dont go slavering on strangers)

    all this aside.. if you have followed the rules vol:1 and vol:2 this far.. youve done enough damned work.. let ms prospective make some effort for a change..
    (plus.. it never pays to look easy)


Source

This page graced by sarsparilla at 9:23 PM BST
Updated: Wednesday, 5 May 2004 10:14 PM BST
Post Comment | View Comments (8) | Permalink | Share This Post

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 9:38 PM BST

Name: billy
Home Page: http://billyworld.typepad.com/

...apologies for hijacking your comments...but I need to thank someone and I don't know who or how...

...to the person who recommended wonderfalls some time ago in vanessa's comments could I please say a big thank you...

...sorry again for not having anything useful to add to your post - although I did find it very informative as a guide to impressing women...I never realised that showing *my* bra would be a bad thing :^)...

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 9:52 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

It was the Rev, of Friendly Stranger Serves Beer, Billy. How have you managed to get hold of a copy? I've been trying to download imagine the first four eps for a week now, without success! :'(

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 5:00 AM BST

Name: billy
Home Page: http://billyworld.typepad.com/

...www.suprnova.com...under the tv section there is a whole wonderfalls category...it's a bit torrent download thingy - do I assume you know what to do next...

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 6:53 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

I could kiss you, Billy. Thank you, I'd forgotten all about bit torrent, since my proper pc died.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 3:09 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page: http://go-blog-go.blogspot.com

>nb* if object of affection does make this move.. this is not your cue to pounce and put your tongue down her throat.

blast
blast blast blast

you might have posted this a little sooner

blast

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 7:40 PM BST

Name: billy
Home Page: http://billyworld.typepad.com/

...and there was I thinking I'd never pull if I mentioned I wore a bra :^)...
...the pleasure was all mine :^)...

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 8:16 PM BST

Name: paul
Home Page: http://noxturne.blogspot.com

I hate meeting at a club or bar. NEVER EVER. Restaurant, movie, bookstore, coffeehouse, play, anything BUT a club. And I talk. I don't do dancing.

But I have learned to make the first move. Sometimes you dont' even need to kiss, just putting your hand over hers, wrapping her legs up in yours as you sit, playing footsie, or leaning in to talk to her is good enough.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 10:28 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Mmm, that's the work of a pro, alright. Yeah, I always make the first move, too.
I never run after them if they start screaming, though.

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