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Sunday, 2 May 2004

The Art of Lesbian Online Dating, Vol #1

Topic: Belle de Jour

Courtesy of Merc.

Volume 1 - the art of online woo (trans: pulling that burd you fancy)

First of all young grasshoppers.. ask yourself this..

  • q. - is she a social worker?

    a. - no.. she isnt..
    (excellent.. then we shall begin)

    b. - yes.. she is..
    (do not pass go.. do not collect #200.. run like the wind.. she is clearly insane.. save your efforts)

  • q. - when asked what you are watching..

    a. - you are watching something along the lines of red/white/blue.. amelie.. or anything by jean luc besson..

    why? ..because you are sensitive.. and subconsciously women will assimilate watching foreign films with you being intelligent enough to read subtitles at speed..

    what you are really watching -
    die hard.. yippie kai yay motherfucker..

  • q. - when asked what you are listening to..

    a. - some amazingl new band from finland/ greenland/ iceland/ the far reaches of lithuania.. (insert band name of choice - google if you have to).. a band so nouveau that the majority of music listeners havent even heard of them.. (actually.. just make up a random bizarre word if you cant be bothered googling)

    why? .. this demonstrates that you are "up" on new trends.. deeply fashionable.. and you score 10 cool points on the ability alone to translate the bands name into something relatively pronouncable..

    what you are really listening to - NWA.. findum fuckum and flee..

  • q. when asked what website you are reading..

    a. -

    why?.. websites like this show that you are interested in other cultures.. like travel.. like to expand your knowledge base.. and generally are a tad on the adventurous side.. plus.. subconsciously.. object of desire is probably planning the fantastic filthy holiday abroad that you might take her on if she gives it up..

    what you are really reading.. multi optional -
    online mini golf.
    surfing ebay and amusing yourself by putting in random keywords like "enema" and seeing what you come up with.. then checking out the feedback profiles on people bidding on enema equipment and laying bets with your friends that you will eventially find feedback for a leather underwear purchase among the high payers..
    gossip columns.

  • q. when asked what you are doing after a moment of online silence..

    a. making coffee.. (preferably utilising a PROPER coffee machine..)

    why? .. because you are cultured.. and coffee as a beverage is indicative of enjoying cafe society.. plus.. if you can make real coffee.. then you can get your arse out of bed in the morning and make her one while she lies about thinking how marvellous you are..
    nb - instant doesnt count, you cheapo scumbag.

    what you are actually doing -
    sitting on the toilet reading a copy of "heat" magazine.

  • q. - when asked what book are you reading..

    a. - "bitch" or "prozac nation" by elizabeth wurtzel..

    why? - intelligent books for bad girls.. instant kudos.. how to misbehave in the sleekest manner possible.. this gives you the edge of having associated brains and a bit of a dangerous side..

    what you are really reading -
    on the toilet.

  • q. - when asked what you are wearing..

    a. - high quality denim (pick a brand, not bon marche).. something black up top.. decent footwear (pick a brand, not clarks)..
    an easy combo.. not one youre likely to forget.. and please.. no designer names that youre likely to give yourself away over when you spell them atrociously.. eg - john paul gootiyay.. NO!

    why? - because women dont date those with no idea of couture.. (at least not the ones worth pulling)

    what youre really wearing - pyjamas and fluffy bunny slippers.. its 2am for fucks sake..

  • q. when asked about your previous relationship..

    a. she just wasnt right for you (you know?).. it ended badly.. but you arent bitter.. some things just arent meant to be.. sure you got burnt.. but who doesnt get hurt at times?.. you hope things turn out ok for her.. no hard feelings..

    why? .. this kind of phrasiology gives the impression that you only have minor baggage.. and women just love a fixer-upper.. shes thinking that with a few well placed "holding patterns" she can put your world to rights.. and have sex.

    what you really think -
    you hope that the cheating lying whore of an ex gets thrush.. if you never see her again then itll be too damned soon.. you would like to open the newspaper tomorrow and read all about how shes just been imprisoned for life and is going to spend the rest of her days in a cramped cell with a 300lb bulldyke called "sandra the slasher" being a prison bitch..

  • on reciept of a semi provocative picture of the object of desire..

    appropriate response -
    shes very attractive.. but personality counts too.. youd like to get to know her better..

    the response that you arent supposed to verbalise -
    you want to fk her until she howls.. youd like to see her in nothing more than agent provocateur lingere.. a provoctive smile.. and wrist cuffs.. you would quite like her to walk up your back wearing heels and brandishing a whip..
    you want to kiss her belly button..
    ..from the inside.

  • the discussion about butt-love.. (it always comes up, somehow)

    q. what are your thoughts..

    a. - for the moment, NOTHING.. be vague.. be noncommital.. do not shriek "eeeeeewww" like a big girls blouse.. do not laugh in a filthy manner and mutter "hubba hubba"

    this is a tricky subject.. it requires treading softly.. it requires being brushed over if at all possible..

    reason -
    of course you love it.. youre an asshound and proud.. any woman that shrieks eew and runs is clearly vanilla with no imagination and no idea about eroticism..
    if object of desire has not experimented with this.. she will not know the joys.. so the initial reaction will be "eeewww" .. we do not want this discussion right now.. particularly when we havent even reached "bedding" stage..

    *its a discussion best left to when shes writhing about telling you how youre most certainly the shag of the century*

    (*nb, some of you will not reach this stage to begin discourse, fret not, there are handbooks available from various online stores should the neccessity arise)

  • sending a photograph..
    ahh another tricky tricky game..

    a - if you are attractive and you know it (clap your hands).. send.. subtle.. show no "pink".. possibly a little cleavage.. check FHM for pose ideas..

    b - if you are not so attractive: adobe photoshop.

  • the discussion about -

    thai beads..
    swings n slings..
    dildo's, harnesses, vibrators..
    sex in public..

    .. see above buttlove posting and take similar noncommital 5th ammendment style action..

  • now that the sex has been sorted..

    q. - ideally where would you take object of desire on a first date.. (object of desire will add - "anywhere in the world" - beware.. this is a culture test)

    a. - prague.. rome.. florence.. anywhere european thats known for class and culture..
    you will - go for a coffee in a chic bar with sidewalk seating (daytime).. go take in some sights.. buildings.. vibe.. art.. blah blah.. have a meal in a softly lit (pref candlelight - but dont push it, you soft shite) restaurant in the balmy evening open air.. have a few drinks.. go for a walk on cobbled streets.. go find a secluded view somewhere and grope alot..

    why? .. you are romantic.. cultured.. you dont want to go "clubbing" where the emphasis would no longer be 100% on object of desire.. you give the impression of being at ease with her company alone.. you sound like you may have a vague knowledge of what youre talking about.. women assiociate european influences with good bedroom skills.. women have a thing about plein air gropage.. i think it makes them feel "naughty"..

    where you would really like to go -
    vegas baby!.. neon.. strippers.. casinos.. clubs..

    or blackpool.. neon.. strippers.. casinos.. clubs.. chips.. beer.. and the pepsi max ride - woot!

  • and when it comes to meeting up...
    of course
    you can't make it/keep putting it off/avoiding it because

    you are - dying of a disease/nursing a sick parent/child/busy doing an important job/hurt your back/penniless/computer keeps crashing/

    but actually

    you are - seriously socially inept with severe OCD, agaraphobia and an 80's perm plus several other disorders listed under the letter P in the DSM IV, a husband and 3 kids and the computer crashes because your # ran out in the local internet cafe..

  • and finally..

    q. - its not just sex is it..?

    a. - of course not..

    why? .. you are deeper than a puddle.

    (this rule is subject to change at any time)


This page graced by sarsparilla at 7:11 PM BST
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Sunday, 2 May 2004 - 11:29 PM BST

Name: Jez
Home Page:

*scribbles furiously*

Right. Notes taken. Ta.

In fact, I usually AM listening to obscure Scandinavian bands...

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 10:34 AM BST

Name: Fluffy
Home Page:

*reads post allowed into dictaphone*

Thanks Vanessa... now i know how to pull Creepy!!!! Woot ;)

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 3:56 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

you want to kiss her belly button..
..from the inside.

, was worth the price of admission alone

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 5:45 PM BST

Name: paul
Home Page:

When the hell does buttlove EVER come up in a casual conversation? I don't even broach the subject until a couple of months down the line, unless she brings it up first.

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 9:09 PM BST

Name: Lux
Home Page:

Elizabeth Wurtzel is crap.

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 9:10 PM BST

Name: Lux

or she reads your blog. :P

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 9:54 PM BST

Name: Nursie
Home Page:

Hehehehe. "gootiyay"... Seriously, there should be a freakin' handbook, damn it. Better yet, maybe I'll just forgo the whole experience and read a good bo...what? Someone messaged my ad? OOoOoo Whowhowho? What's she look like?

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 11:14 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

This much is true.

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 11:14 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Paul ... it's a gay thing. The convo, not the lurve.

Monday, 3 May 2004 - 11:15 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Made me double take, yeah. ;)

Tuesday, 4 May 2004 - 12:05 AM BST

Name: Lux


Tuesday, 4 May 2004 - 5:02 AM BST

Name: Paul
Home Page:

Oh my god, Lux, I think I just blushed!

Tuesday, 4 May 2004 - 3:56 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

The casualness of the convo on an early date. I think in straight dating, it's much later on that things like that come up in conversation. Am I wrong?

Tuesday, 4 May 2004 - 3:57 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

A hhahahaha... !

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:55 AM BST

Name: Lux

I guess so- if a guy started talking about fetishes and such on a first date, it would freak me out.

I had to go back and read Vol 2...

1. What's a meet?

2. "as women are genetically predisposed to notice everything, lust object will take one look at your "decoration" and decide that you obviously never take them off, ergo you havent been laid in a very long time. this may be offputting. go easy tigers."

-like, seriously?

3. "there is always one person at a meet that holds a grudge against wearers of polyfabrics.. it is likely that they have evolved further than you.. so they may be aware of the destructive properties of fire.. and more to the point.. willing to use them..
beware the quiet one in the corner holding a cigarette, rest assured that her motives will not be innocent."


Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:12 PM BST

Name: NC

Should this blog be cited for indecency complaints after ones(sic?) rewarding day at Bible Day camp? Re:

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 9:34 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

1. What's a meet?

The clue is in the title: Lesbian Online Dating. A meet is when you meet up IRL with your intended, rather than via webcam, IRC, email, etc.

2. "as women are genetically predisposed to notice everything, lust object will take one look at your "decoration" and decide that you obviously never take them off, ergo you havent been laid in a very long time. this may be offputting. go easy tigers."
-like, seriously?

Again, clue in title: Lesbian Online Dating. I find most people fall into three camps when they suggest what lesbian sex might involve, (and none of those camps ever involve anal, bizarrely) (of which I know nothing, mum, I heard some disgusting bigger girls talk, but I covered my ears). One of the variants is digital in nature (no, not with your digital wristwatch, not unless you're extremely energetic; I mean using digits). Which for safety's sake means clipping your fingernails and removing your rings.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 9:38 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Oprah? Indecent? ooooh, I've come over all unnecessary. I always had a granny jones for Oprah.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 2:45 PM BST

Name: Lux

Um, yeah, straight people do that too. ;-)

I just meant, was the writer being satirical about not wearing any rings when you go out? I can't really tell how much of this is tongue-in-cheek.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 6:29 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Would you decide someone is probably not straight and try elsewhere based on the length of their nails and whether they wore a large amount of rings, then?

Generally, if someone has a fistfull of gold sovereigns or has long nails, I make an assumption, cut it short, and don't waste the 24 carat chat up lines.

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