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Wednesday, 28 April 2004

Whatever you do, DON'T use this chat up technique

Topic: LondonLifer

Gullible Twat: Oh. Um, it's Vanessa.
Innocent Victim: Hi.
GT: Yeah, I met you the other weekend at < mumble mumble > ... and you said to phone you.
IV: So now you're phoning me.
GT: Yeah. So now I'm phoning you.
IV: Hi.
GT: Yeah.
IV: So ... how's your week been?
GT: I'm in a supermarket.
IV: Er ... what?
GT: Oh. Yeah, you know. Okay.
IV: Did you say you're in a supermarket?
GT: Yeah. How was your week?
IV: Fine, great. I've had a good week. You know?
GT: Erm, yeah, I'm in a supermarket. I ... er ... never mind.
IV: Right... So, what -
GT: I wondered if you wanted to go out sometime this weekend?
IV: Oh. Yeah. Erm ... sure. I'm busy. Bank holiday weekend. Looking after my nephew, out of London. What are you up to?
GT: Staying in London, as usual.
IV: As usual?
GT: Er ... yeah. Parks, forests.
IV: Parks are good.
GT: No they're not. Forests.
IV: Right.
GT: What about the weekend after?
IV: Oh. Well ... it's possible. I have more time then.
GT: Okay, so we'll meet. < mumble >day.
IV: Okay, yeah, that should be possible. ring me again next week, and we'll sort out an arrangement.
GT: An arrangement.
IV: Oh dear, I'm useless at making arrangements.
GT: Know what you mean. Yeah. So. < mumble >day, eight o'clock at the < mumble > Bar. We'll decide what to do after.
IV: Oh. Okay. Not this < mumble >day.
GT: No.
IV: Sure. Have you -
GT: Bye!
IV: Oh.

Disclaimer: in the case that anyone real ever finds this post, ever ever ever, I made it all up, alright?

This page graced by sarsparilla at 11:16 PM BST
Updated: Wednesday, 28 April 2004 11:46 PM BST
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Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 2:22 AM BST

Name: Missuh
Home Page:

I don't know about you, but while I give good email, on the phone, I flop all over the place like a fish on dry land.
Then again, it's hard to make small talk when you're trying to decide between brands of cereal.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 4:24 AM BST

Name: belle
Home Page:

ok, I admit it, I've actually *written out* what I wanted to say before I made a call so as to avoid randomly bursting out into song or interjecting with comments like "I like monkeys".

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 7:21 AM BST

Name: Legomen
Home Page:

I'm okay on the phone until Ruprecht the Unstrokable jumps on my lap then it's;
'Hi, (gerrof). Have you..(Purr purr)..Can I make a...(argh claws!) I'm free on the.. (and no don't knead my) not you..'
and so on

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 7:50 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

I think I was a little too result-focussed, and forgot she actually has to like me, rather than just agree to more minutes spent in the company of an inarticulate lunatic who likes London forests and supermarkets.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 8:06 AM BST

Name: Lux
Home Page:

But not parks.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 9:24 AM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

I do the same. I hate it. You end up only coming across as a non-loon when you're completely disinterested. Works in normal face2face chatups too.
So you end up only pulling people you're not interested in.
And the ones you're interested in end up with people who're not interested in THEM.

Being a human sucks.

For the rest of this week, I am going to experiment with being a newt.

They always look happy, splapping around in their little ponds and things.
And they've got that whole frilled thing going on.
On the downside, there's the risk people could get the impression my sexuality's maybe a bit... amphibious.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 9:35 AM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

>i'm in a supermarket

Could have been worse...

"I'm on the blog"

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 1:24 PM BST

Name: V

What if famous newt collector Ken starts interfering with you?

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 3:00 PM BST

Name: JonnyB
Home Page:

Oh God that was just too familiar. I was actually cringing as I read that.


Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 5:41 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Probably there aren't any parks in London. Whereas there are countless forests, of course. And it's a rare corner of London where you can while away a pleasant evening in a supermarket, mentioning that three times will certainly not have made me sound like one of those unshaven crazies escaped from a care home who hang around the potted meats hoping drop a jar of pickled carrots, or find a friend.
Oh God! Why did I ring at all?!

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 5:42 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Only today have I learnt that you're not exaggerating, Belle.
Oh god, I wish jatb weren't on holiday, she could tell me what to do. Run and hide for several months, change my name and live in Patagonia, probably.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 5:45 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Thank god there's an illiterate social dysfunctional separated at birth twin of mine somewhere. Can I pretend it was you ringing up on my behalf? Failing that, can you find me a girlfriend?
(I actually tidied it up a little and made it sound less excruciatingly full of pauses than it was)

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 6:42 PM BST

Name: Lux

But you got a date, so mission accomplished.

I always make the blokes do all the talking.

Which explains why I don't get out much.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 7:18 PM BST

Name: sarah
Home Page:

noo it's worse when you rehearse small talk, listen to her intently, and then, when it comes to arranging something, completely lose the ability to speak, followed by many toe curling minutes of silence.

actually, no, yours is worse. Ring next week, prepare the phone call, be confident, and pretend the last one was perfectly sane and normal.

oh, I should write a book. Top Tip! There is no difference between pretending to be self-confident and being self-confident. None at all. Just pretend you are a confident person, and you are.

That's #9.99 please.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 11:46 PM BST

Name: Jen
Home Page:

It really could have been worse. You could have called her from the porcelain whilst blogging, texting, and exposing yourself to the neighborhood.

Cheer up. She's probably grinning about how cute and nervous you were.

No parks in London??? Seemed like there were endless miles of them when I visited. I walked Hyde from the Arch to Kennsington Palace (I think) and it took me three and a half weeks, as I recall...

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:10 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

You can't do that with girls, you'd all just sit around till you're sixty, being passive intensely at each other. Someone has to get up and make the first move, and it's pretty much *always* not them.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:11 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

Get me through the next phone call, and the cheque's in the mail.
(got a text; the repeated references to supermarkets were mentioned)

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:14 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

Yeah, you're right. *that*s how much of a dyamn fool comment it was.

Hey, nudist phone calls are allowed! Pooing on the phone is allowed, even (as long as there's no flush or confession)

Not that ... erm ... I ... er ... ever do that. But I defend my right to try it one day. When I'm eighty-five.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 1:53 AM BST

Name: lemonpillows
Home Page:

oh my... Yes, I hate those phone calls.. I'm currently pondering upon one myself lol... BUT

There's a very good chance that she thought you were nervous and a little shy, and so now finds you even cuter... She sent you a text, didn't she?? She didn't *have* to do that....

Another 'top top':

Think 'friends', 'friends', 'friends'. If you convince yourself that there's no chance of getting any further, then you'll be more yourself when you phone, which is always good for not sounding like a pillock on temazepan. (or however you spell it). Then, you magically throw away the idea that she's just a friend as soon as you walk in the bar to meet her. She's already there then - and can't get away so easily...

And if you want my top chat up line, then I'll tell you it - but I dont' know what I want to be paid yet.. It's top secret - never fails - I promise ya! lol (offers welcome)

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:16 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

What? I have to do more chatting up? I thought that was it, and I could be sullen as I like from hereonin. That's how it works in long term relationships...

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:35 AM BST

Name: Lux

Yah, that's one of the gender roles (whether it's nature or nurture, i dunno) that I fully exploit. Passively.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 9:17 AM BST

Name: lemonpillows
Home Page:

Oh, I wouldn't think of it as 'chatting up' so to speak.. Just as being witty and charming and beautiful and irresistable... Or just 'being yourself'.. Cool, calm and casual until she's screaming "I WANT YOU I WANT YOU - HAVE MY BABIES!!" At which point you're perfectly justified in humping and dumping her - in quick succession.. ;op

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 2:44 PM BST

Name: sarah
Home Page:

lp, I told you, walking into a bar and shouting "I've got great norks!" isn't a chat-up line!

although it probably is quite succesful. :P

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 2:49 PM BST

Name: sarah
Home Page:

pish easy, be decisive - "Hi, how are you, would you like to go to [bar that does food/cinema] tonight? about 8? Great, see you then"

(Cinema's good, because you can talk about the film afterwards)

make sure you have wine in the flat. I swear by wine, because then you can say at any point "well, we could always go back to mine, I've got a bottle in the fridge"

although this does not work when you live with your parents.
because they drink the wine the minute you turn your back.

It also may not work with people who do not drink.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:25 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

If you can back it up.....

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:29 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

>I thought ... I could be sullen as I like from hereonin.

spot on, vanessa. it's called "hereonin chic"

it's all the rage in the smarter set

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:31 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

o the shame, the secret shame. you have rumbled me -- that is my goal

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:36 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

>people who do not drink

but then, if she doesn't drink, you wouldn't want to have anything to do with her anyway, right? clearly defective.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:38 PM BST

Name: Saltation

shouldn't that be "if you have the front"?

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:41 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page: http://why do i suddenly have to retype this each time

> For the rest of this week, I am going to experiment with being a newt.

so far, so good


Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:47 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page: http://website

How about turning it into a running joke? Just fess up immediately you meet her, how you had a sudden brain lockup when you rang and so on. Then the next time you ring up to chat up, lead off with "fancy a trip to the forest?" or "i was in the supermarket and i thought of you"

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