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Thursday, 15 April 2004


Now Playing: Nancy Sinatra: 'Bang Bang'
Topic: Lactose Incompetent

Remember the night I should have left you? The moon was full, the thick, impenetrable, enduring Nile was swirling darkly beneath us, the sky seemed wider than was possible.
And although the day had been warmer than a Christmas Eve should ever be, the night was cold enough to see your breath? You led me down below the railings, the deck furniture, the bright eyed quietly leering captain smoking silently in the corner of the cabin, down into the bowels of the ship.
You led me to believe you wanted me to.
Beyond the loud crassness of a holidaymaker's lounge with 'acts' put on to persuade us all we liked each other's company. Beyond the permanent attempts to perform, for baksheesh, for responses, for gratitude.
To a room where the only sight line was the window, the river bank, the black oily palms moving in the distance, and the moon reflected from the Nile's surface onto the ceiling above the bed.

You turned and looked at me. You gestured. You kissed me deeply, inhaled the perfume oils bartered for in the nostril distending filth of the souk of a port now left far behind.
You led me further towards you, waited till I gulped for your mouth again.
You pulled back. I leaned in.
You pulled away again.
I thought you were joking, this was part of a game to make me want you. Somewhere something slipped into the water with a small splash.

Bringing your arms up to my chest, you shoved.
You thrust me onto the floor, away, in fury, a snarl curling and distorting your features.
'Do you see? Do you like it? That's what it's like to be rejected. That's how it feels.'

You turned away from me, to the window where the pitch sky still seemed lighter than the dark terrors of the riverbank.
The ship moved slightly, the sickening lurches and shifts that take time to adjust to. You laughed, nastily.
Laughed at my shock. Laughed at how I still wanted you.

That was when I should have left you, you know?

This page graced by sarsparilla at 5:54 PM BST
Updated: Thursday, 15 April 2004 6:00 PM BST
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Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 7:29 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

There's just so much I want to say to that --this post you've probably had wrung out of you and are tooth-suckingly wondering what people think of it, or you-- that

    there's not a damn thing I can say.

Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 7:32 PM BST

Name: Saltation
Home Page:

But : yes

Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 7:37 PM BST

Name: Missuh
Home Page:


Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 7:43 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

No, I don't give a f u c k what people think of it. it wasn't wrung out of me, it was something that happened 6 days before the millennium on another continent. The idea that it was when I should have left is the only fresh perspective there.

Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 7:45 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Cheers, darlin. It's not a painful memory though, it's a very long ago memory. Lots of things have been changing in the last fortnight. I stopped taking pills, I stopped talking to anyone, I started listening to music again, I trusted myself to drink alcohol again, I gave up on not sleeping and abandoned myself to it. These are all new things, after five months of protecting myself by hiding myself from others, from influence, from me. That's over.

I kind of trust things to turn out okay. If that makes sense.

Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 7:58 PM BST

Name: Missuh
Home Page:

Makes perfect sense.

Thursday, 15 April 2004 - 8:36 PM BST

Name: Nursie
Home Page:

Wow. You leave me tongue-tied. Er..pen-tied. Keyboard-tied? You get the idea. Wow.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 2:53 PM BST

Name: lemonpillows
Home Page:

what can one say to such a magnificently poignant memory? I couldn't possibly do that writing justice, so I'll just sit here, in awe, mouth open. Respect to you girl. I admire you.x

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:21 PM BST

Name: cacoa

gosh. What can you say?

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:06 PM BST

Name: Pan
Home Page:

Cruelly disregarding your pain for the moment - does your playing of Nancy Sinatra's Bang Bang indicate anticipation of the release of Kill Bill Part Deux next week (qv previous movie posts)or are you just enjoying listening to maudlin music ??

Did all of the above happen just like that? it sounds beastly. And yes - you should have left then. What is it that keeps us hanging on to the last tiny shreds of hope until our heads have been so comprehensivley flushed down the toilet that even strangers in the street are telling us to 'Leave It'?

On the other hand - when someone you can't stand any more is still chasing after you it's not touching or emotive or sweet, you just want them to get as far away as possible as quickly as possible and the best way to achieve that is by hurting them as much as you can.

It's a cruel world, neh?

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:42 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Nope, I just happened to be listening to it. I've not seen Kill Bill vol I yet. Although I have maxed out on Uma shares on celebdaq. It was a little maudlin, yeah, but then the track on the previous post was a bit more upbeat. The were random downloads.

There is no pain at all. It was a long time ago. And yeah, it was just exactly like that post. I was going to do a rambunctious argumentative blog about it, but descriptive seemed to fit it better, and then I found I didn't need to rant. I dunno, there are some rules about sleeping with people, in my book - you never say certain things: I can't feel anything, point and laugh, no I don't fancy you enough to come, that sort of stuff. You just never do it.
If I'd had to choose a moment to symbolise it going pear shaped, I probably would have chosen the time she dumped me in Leytonstone with a five mile walk home at closing time, dressed in next to nothing, with no money or phone. But duch chose this moment, from much longer ago, and once I'd described it, I had to agree she was probably right.
And if it makes any difference, I don't think most people are cruel. Certainly, her behaviour then explained why she'd not gotten many repeat appointments with previous exes. I think if she were willing to actually talk her actions or emotions through with people she trusts, she'd realise why most people don't treat each other that way. Being generous, I think inexperience affected her choices, there.
But yeah to the hurting them. oooooohhhhhh yyyyyyeahhhhhh.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 8:33 AM BST

Name: Lux
Home Page:

what's the picture about?

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 8:45 AM BST

Name: Vanessa

Oh bugger, I did know, but I can't remember. If you right click and look at 'properties', you'll see what disease the cloudy bits seem to be indicating listed as part of the URL.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 10:38 AM BST

Name: Cyn
Home Page:

It's Sarcoidosis. Looks painful.
Good illustration for this post.

How long since the break-up? (I'm sorry, I didn't find your blog until last November/December.)

This may be too intrusive, so apologies in advance: Do you find you have more vivid memories of the "bad moments" as time passes?

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 12:54 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

We broke up last Easter temporarily, then she went to the other side of the world in July, and I spent all summer bloody waiting, and she came back in October and dumped me.

No, I wouldn't say things are more vivid memories - I'm one of those people who remember a lot anyway - that sort of 'past seems more real than the present' thing - more that you reclassify a lot of 'maybe' memories into 'negative' as you gain the objectivity to see what was building.

Of course, remember this is my blog and my perspective, I don't tell you lot anything that makes me look like the bad guy, remember? ;)

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 10:37 PM BST

Name: Creepy Lesbo
Home Page:

I think the word we are looking for here is... B.I.T.C.H.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 11:11 PM BST

Name: Vanessa

Probably equally applied to me for writing it.

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 12:59 PM BST

Name: Creepy Lesbo
Home Page:

Well, I wouldn't have said so - but then I didn't see what ExWife had a problem with either when I'd called her a bitch on my own personal blog anyway....
And no - we all know blogs are cheap therapy - good on you for posting it I say. We all know there are two sides to every story - but that is harsh whichever way things happened.

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