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Tuesday, 23 March 2004

Now I'm Warning You

Now Playing: Muse
Topic: Creepy Lesbo

I have loads to blog, but no time to do it properly.
I've been waylaid by work.
Trapped and taunted by stress.
Fingered by the requirement that somebody do all the overtime that's been mounting up round here. (Aargh, just reminded myself of the twelve hour shift tomorrow.)
It's verbal warning time of year again, and, as I get one every bloody year - a meaningless one, as they really don't want to jeopardise my loyalty to them - I'm counting not only the minutes, but the ways; will it be the skiving, the insurrection, the bunking, the tardiness, the lying, the lack of organisation, the sickies, or the deceit? Who knows?
Senior manglement have been found publicly wanting, again, as they have every year in the last ten, and so they need to tug the strings , to rustle the red curtain, to jostle the scenery and prove that 'it's not them without imagination, drive, or dedication, it's these bloody underlings' (which is where I come in).
'Nobody could work with them'.
Who cares, really, you learn not to expect feedback in public service jobs (well, I suppose getting kicked in the face by a customer today was some sort of feedback, but still, the corporate ethos is to pretend that *that thing*, *then*, did not happen) but my internal dialogues continue in heavy preparation - it's irritating to keep rehearsing these blatantly insouciant rebuttals.

Can one be actively apathetic?
It seems an ambition I might effectively strive for.

Today I saw a raven trapped inside Sainsbury's. It was quietly hopping above the cigarette kiosk, hoping not to be noticed.
It looked too powerful and real-worldish to be inside a consumerist disneyland in miniature like that.
Made me think of Creepy's foxes.
And of the ravens in 'The Human Stain', a book full of gigantically meaningful random quotations:

"I will go to America and be the author of my life, she says: I will construct myself outside of the orthodoxy of my family's given, I will fight against the given, impassioned subjectivity carried to the limit, individualism at its best -- and she winds up instead in a drama beyond her control. She winds up as the author of nothing. There is the drive to master things, and the thing that is mastered is oneself."
I suppose everybody feels out of place sometimes, like that raven trapped in an airless, airconditioned supermarket, trying to avoid being pointed out, and therefore noticed. Hounded, perhaps. In fact, I know they do.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 11:34 PM GMT
Updated: Thursday, 8 April 2004 3:57 PM BST
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Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 12:39 AM GMT

Name: Martin Sewell
Home Page:

............( @ @ ) ___I'm on my own again Vanessa!

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 7:42 AM GMT

Name: lemonpillows
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Damn right. I think we all feel 'out of place' sometimes. Some more than others, but everyone gets it sometimes. Well, can anyone feel at home everywhere? If they do, it must mean that they don't have a very wide social circle/much life experience..

And Management are there for one reason only: to make your life hell. Especially in your industry - they appoint people with less than half of the frontline worker's qualifications, half the personality, and half the nous and pay them double. Grrrrr...

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 9:48 AM GMT

Name: Francesca
Home Page:

I hear you about not having time to blog, and yet a lot to write. Every time I have a few minutes spare, something else comes loose, and meanwhile nothing gets written.

Yearly assessments, to put it mildly, suck. For me, it is usually a humiliation of the highest order. I get through by thinking that nothing is forever, especially a job. Sad, but also good, in that there is always the promise of something preferable on the horizon ;)

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 12:29 PM GMT

Name: Creepy Lesbo
Home Page:

According to this site:
Ravens stand for: introspection, courage, self-knowledge.
I stole a Power Animals tarot cards set (these ones: off TwoHands the other day.
"Raven may be telling you that you have forgotten the magic of life and have settled into a mundane rut."

These pages might be interesting to you if you wonder what the Raven might mean:

Courage to enter the void?
Sounds like feeling out of place to me...

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 1:47 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

That's brilliant stuff. ta.

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 2:38 PM GMT

Name: Kat
Home Page:

Maybe the raven won't be noticed as long as he doesn't start gently rapping, rapping at the chamber door...

Or something like that.

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 2:52 PM GMT

Name: jatb

One can be actively apathetic. I like to think I am.

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 8:24 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I *love* that poem!

Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 9:30 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

You *think*? Tchoh. I can never be bothered with trying to think things.

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