I had this dream where she came back from Sao Paulo and I had to tell her that there's no point pretending. No matter what we do there's nothing going to be different. I can't explain her reaction, but it was exactly like in reality, when she offered to make up, and I was cold, and it cost me some.
I felt like I'd murdered someone.
I woke up, and I found every muscle was tensed, so I didn't move and wake her, so there'd be no sign, or contact.
It took me a few minutes to emerge from the dream and realise that she wasn't in the bed.
It was a very familiar feeling, trying not to touch someone, trying not to wake them. It was stressful in a way that being on your own has never been.
I've been avoiding putting my house on sale. Four months since I should have done it.
I had to do it yesterday. It wasn't my favourite thing to do ever. And I woke up feeling tense in every muscle, looking for someone who wasn't there, worrying she'd know that in my dream I'd killed her.