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Sunday, 4 January 2004

Blobby Bellie Porker

I am a fat porky. I need to do some sodding exercie. This is what fell out when I undid my belt in the changing rooms at Bluewater yesterday.

Okay, I'm obviously trying to distract attention from real life with this toss, but what the hell, I slept till seven in the evening today, I have nothing really to blog about other than that Love Actually is really cruel, really it is. It's all mean, and loads of people finish up miserable in it. Poooooooooor Emma Thompson.

And yes, I do always take a camera into the changing rooms with me. And stilts. And sellotape for collecting dead skin particles. And a jar in case I dribble.

Be afraid.

This page graced by sarsparilla at 11:08 PM GMT
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Sunday, 4 January 2004 - 11:43 PM GMT

Name: jatb

Yes. Poor Emma.

Sunday, 4 January 2004 - 11:46 PM GMT

Name: jatb

I like the photographs.

Sunday, 4 January 2004 - 11:58 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I'm just relieved that I only cried four times during it. If I'd watched it before Christmas, I'd have topped myself!

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 12:14 AM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page:

Ooh, how did the other pics come out? The three knobbed thingum that the nice man let you take? And the things in the shiny shop where the lady had a strop?

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 12:16 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Oh yeah, they were great! Perhaps I'll whack them up on a page.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 12:24 AM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page:

Yeah, do! Please. :)

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 12:26 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa
Home Page: http://Up my own arse.

Here you go!

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 12:34 AM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page:

Ooh, fast work - ta!

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 1:51 AM GMT

Name: The Rev
Home Page:

Jars can be rather bulky. Might I recommend a balloon, some duct tape, and 4 beer coasters? Works like a charm.

I have nothing really to say or comments to make; just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year!

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 2:26 AM GMT

Name: wifflewiffle
Home Page:

You're not fat at all!

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:38 AM GMT

Name: ThePimpress
Home Page:

firstly.. you're not fat in fact i still think you're quite fit.

but that's not the point.. the point is stilts? in the changing room? why are you collecting dead skin particles with sellotape i always hoover for them.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:54 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cheers, P. Nah, 'fit' is your girlf!

The scary changing room assistant doesn't let me take the particle hoover into the cubicles. The stilts help you to steady yourself when focussing the camera on items in the next cubicle along. I find that falling when 'collecting' scares the collectables into breaking into a run.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:57 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

The wondrous writer Wiffle wrote:
You're not fat at all!

Cheers. Yes, having spent last night watching an hysterical "documentary" called 'Houston, Texas: the Fattest City in the World', I feel enormously skinny suddenly - but everything is relative, and the fact remains, there's a tub of lard overspilling from those jeans.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:57 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Same to you, Rev; glad to see you're back - i've been hoping for a new blog update from Friendly Stranger every day since Christmas.

The idea of hot air balloons in enclosed ladies' changing facilities is making me come over all unnecessary.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 10:51 AM GMT

Name: billy
Home Page:

...just as I was about to feel good about myself - you decide to say that you are fat???...well, I've spent sometime looking at the picture of your tummy and the picture of mine and if you are fat then I am ginormous :^)...and you is obviously short if you need stilts :^P...

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 12:40 PM GMT

Name: pan
Home Page:

Hmmmmm - can't myself see any obvious signs of colossal lardiness - guess it's all about what one is used to.

I had a dream about being thin a couple of nights ago. I could get my whole hand down the waistband of my jeans without even trying . . . hold on - wrong dream.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 2:36 PM GMT

Name: sarah

look, people, if you can see your toes you're not fat.

And if you're going to get neurotic about your weight around me I'll just say things like "yeah, well, I can see my ribs and I ate a big fry-up this morning, ha ha ha." So don't.

Also, Love Actually was ridiculously bad, but it still made me cry, a bit, but it was mostly about shagging and not love. I liked the bit when all the children say "We hate you, Uncle Jamie!" because if I ever have children, they will be trained to say that to my @#%$! brother.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:02 PM GMT

Name: Lyle
Home Page:

a) you're not fat.
b) Of course Love Actually stinks, it's done by the same gimp who did 4Ws and a F, and bloody Notting Hill. So - no surprises then. *you'd never guess I loathe Hugh Grant, wouldja? Ha.
c) Maybe it's just me, but your photos don't come out at all on my version of Opera (7.2) I've had to use *shudder* IE.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:46 PM GMT

Name: jatb

Lol! I am glad you're back.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 3:53 PM GMT

Name: Anne
Home Page:

Oh please. Vanessa you are far from a porker. You look good, girl, and I'm not just saying that because I want to see more skin. Really....

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 8:00 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I direct my learned friend to
a. the overhang (I actually couldn't fasten my trousers at all this morning)
b. the height of the door to be scaled

Oi fort oi barred yew....?

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 8:12 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Yeah but you're a wee nipper (as in young!). I was skinny and could eat WTF I liked all the way till I was 27 - when suddenly decades of bad eating habits and even longer of no exercise ballooned me out like the Nutty Professor, and just as fast. Suddenly, I was increasing a clothes size every month. Given that half of that lard was in a death grip around my internal organs, this was not some frilly fuss about body image. I couldn't run for two minutes without puking.
I'm not trying to be some mincing girlie crappy dieter - if I put on a stone in four days over this Christmas, that's not a coincidence, it means I'm behaving in the wrong ways and I need to do something about it.
Of course it's relative, if three years ago someone had told me that anyone my size now was 'fat', I'd have shouted 'fat and happy?' and waved a cream cake in their face. But how you feel about how you look is an incredibly deeply held personal prejudice. I've never learnt so much about myself as the year that I took control of my eating and exercise habits. It's the only time I've ever dieted, and I'm not about to go through that @#%$! again in any sort of a hurry.
So, although I sounded dimwitted, stupid, gullible, attention seeking and flippant, I was actually only one of the above.

But I sniggered at your choice of best line from Love Actually.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 8:15 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Oh sorry. I would love to use Opera, but every peecee I've ever installed it on has crashed repeatedly until I had to reinstall MS browsers for my own sanity. (Of course, switching off the damn computer is really not, never, no no, never an option...)

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 8:18 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Thanks for the compliment. :o) I refer you to my above reply to Sarah!

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 9:39 PM GMT

Name: sarah

aye, I didn't think you were one of those neurotic "oo, I'm so fat I'll have to eat a sticky toffee pudding to console myself" types.

I may be a naturally skinny @#%$!, but it doesn't mean I want to be. Skinny = flat chested, and here in Geordieland, that's not a good thing. I went to see the doctor about being underweight and she took the @#%$! out of me, the cow.

Frankly, that was the best bit of the film. Did you catch Amelie on Christmas day? Only film that makes me cry in a good way, ever. Also, she's well shaggable.

Monday, 5 January 2004 - 10:23 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cheers for taking that response in the right manner - I got up at half three this morning, and keep realising ten minutes too late that I spoke too aggressively. Whoops.

Yeah, I wish I had the stonking bazookas I had when I was fat. Ah well. And I used to get the p|ss ripped out of me if I moaned about being underweight back when I was. Having been both, I can now say that being fat and trying not to be is harder - but a fat arse is much comfier to sit on.

I've seen Amelie before, and I don't really like it. Something about Audrey Tatou gives me the willies, and not in that way either. Her eyes remind me of E.T.

I cry at the Nutty Professor. Sad, but true.

Tuesday, 6 January 2004 - 4:08 AM GMT

Name: Martin Sewell
Home Page:

"This is what fell out when I undid my belt in the changing rooms at Bluewater yesterday"...a photo of a lady trying on a camera! Quite fitting, really. ;-)

Tuesday, 6 January 2004 - 4:13 AM GMT

Name: lemonpillows
Home Page:

Hey! Definitely not fat - you look gorgeous as ever babe!

Know the feeling - I've kinda been in both places too.. The weight just piled on all of a sudden - and I'm still in the process of trying to get rid of it! It took about two months to put all that weight on (I swear - there must've been something wrong), and over 3years trying to get rid of it!

And I certainly can see some boobies there! Though you certainly would NOT want my Now that's waaaaaaaaaaaay too big!

Tuesday, 6 January 2004 - 10:53 AM GMT

Name: sarah

That was agressive? wow! have you gone all southern? :P

I can't watch the Lion King, like, ever. Or Watership Down, for f*ck's sake - it's f*cking Bunnies! ANIMATED BUNNIES! A drawing of a cloud that looks a bit like a lion! and I still break down in floods of tears every time.

Tuesday, 6 January 2004 - 7:06 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I still sometimes have nightmares about that scene where the bunny wabbit gets strangled by a bit of wire.
Brrrrrr. Watched that film way too young.

Tuesday, 6 January 2004 - 7:07 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Yes, that camera fits perfectly. I'll take it.

Tuesday, 6 January 2004 - 7:08 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Lol@ the confluence of you describing yer dorty pillows, while using the pseudonym lemon pillows.....
Anyway, that's a grey lesbian I have no tits T being worn in that picture by my mate Madge >>>>> cough, I mean by me. Nobody's supposed to notice the knockers through that.

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