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Tuesday, 23 December 2003


Knowing from yesterday's adventures with the Evening sub Standard and a thick marker pen that there's fuck all on telly tonight (tries not to point out that all teevee is shite, as I must acclimatise myself to it before I get to my parents' house; nnnnnnggggggggggg.....), I decided to get my kicks elsewhere. Observant readers will know from my constant screeching and whining on the subject that I gave up alcohol five weeks ago, and that I took three hours to drink one glass of red wine when I was in Paris, as the alc tolerance had dropped to the point that a sip made me come over all Soap Operatic - so I decided to see if stuffing myself with an entire box worth of Tesco Liqueur Choccies could substitute itself as next year's cheap thrill ... or if my worst fears were realised, and I actually do have to go out and get me a sex life instead.
Downed the box in 2.5 minutes. Hypothesis unproven. Not remotely pissed, not even a smidgeon dizzy or energised, and believe me, I have a powerful imagination. This afternoon, for instance, I imagined I was going cold turkey from the cat tranquilisers I'd only imagined taking yesterday, nearly causing a panic attack and cold sweats.
Till I realised it was all a side-effect of boredom, and went out to buy cosmetic products instead like any normal woman does.

Conclusion of experiment: food, if deployed in sufficient concentrations of salt, fat and sugar, can fulfil many of the same self-loathing functions as alcohol; a recent day's menu:

Coffee (filter)
Half a pack of choccie Hob Nobs
Six coffees (instant, bleurgh)
Coffee (filter)
Kit Kat
Two super sized bags of pan-fried vegetable crisps
Multi pack of choccie buttons
Pack of four chocolate cream eclairs
Two cream scones with jam
Herb tea

Tell me the nutritional value of that.

Christmas Cracker Joke Survey 6:
Q. What do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella?
A. Polly Unsaturated.
(Sainsbury - weirdly inventive)

This page graced by sarsparilla at 9:55 PM GMT
Updated: Wednesday, 24 December 2003 12:47 AM GMT
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Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 10:49 PM GMT

Name: ThePimpress
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i get a craving for sweets about once a month. but you're absolutely right a calorie fest is better for some things then alcohol. i'm not sure if either is really worse then the other with regards to your body.. but the chocolate cream eclairs are absolutely more yummy.

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 10:53 PM GMT

Name: Looby
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How do you stay so thin eating like that?

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:07 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ah. Well I mostly only eat every other day at the moment - there's a side effect of Being Dumped for you. Prior to that, I just dieted. Constantly.
(Context: I was skinny till I was 27, then fat till I was 32, then discovered actually Eating Less.)

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:08 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

It's my experience that you're either a Sweet or a Savoury.

I'm a Sweet. Cheese makes me feel sick after a while. Barely ever eat it.

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:26 PM GMT

Name: Legomen
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The Sandy Toksvig Diet dictates that one eats exactly what one wants to eat but only half the usual amount. Which is exactly the same as eating every other day but keeps people happy as they think you're eating regularly when, in fact, you're not.

Hungry now

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:31 PM GMT

Name: Toulouse

I KNEW at least one of those photos would end up on this bloody blog!!

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:36 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

But Sandy Toksvig is a fat unfunny minger.......

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:36 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Heh. I knew that you knew, too.....

Tuesday, 23 December 2003 - 11:57 PM GMT

Name: jatb

I love the way that you drank 8 coffees, and then a herb tea. Because 9 coffees would be just 1 too many?

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 12:07 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Pre-cisely. :o)

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 12:26 AM GMT

Name: paul
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Holy @#%$! on a biscuit! I couldn't eat that much in three days time! I have the ability to eat less, beause I just don't like to eat more. But that, wow!~ Drinking all that coffee helps you stay thin, too, it forces your body to deal with the caffeine by burning reserves of fat. My god.

I considered drinking tonight, but instead I'm just going to go to bed. I'm muy exciting!

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 12:30 AM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Drinking coffee also makes you poo more. According to Vic Jameson, that is.

Damn, I just broke into my Christmas Day chocolates. I better buy some Christmas Day baked beans, instead, tomorrow. They'll be less tempting.

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 9:02 AM GMT

Name: Cyn
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It may not have been your intention, but you just made me feel soooo
much better than I have for the past few hours. I made batches of kolachy (little pastries with fruit preserve fillings) to give as gifts and ate bunches of them.
Also, I got called *fatty* by a horrid little troll today. I hadn't been called anything like that since my rotten first marriage ended 19 years ago.
So thank you, and best of luck with the parents. Just keep telling yourself that it will soon be over.

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 11:44 AM GMT

Name: billy
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...I'd have given that herb tea a miss if I was you...herbs are notoriously bad for could have had a hot chocolate made with full milk, topped with whipped cream and a flake crumbled on top...maybe a couple of marshmallows to dip in the cream??...

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 12:31 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Lol!!! You know, you're right. I just finished all my Christmas boxes of chocolates for breakfast, in honour of this comment.

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 12:32 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cyn, you seem to be besieged by trolls at the moment - just remember that grandeur and glory always attract jealousy and slap them real hard.
Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, 24 December 2003 - 7:38 PM GMT

Name: Cyn
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Yes, besieged by trolls and I thought it was the season of elves!

No matter, I'll fortify myself with more kolachy.

Enjoy your high tea!

Thursday, 25 December 2003 - 2:07 AM GMT

Name: Lux
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You and Ernesto are adorable! Have a Happy and a Merry.

And here's an extra smack for Cyn's troll.

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