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Friday, 19 December 2003

Guest Blog: Everyone I've Ever F*cked.
#12: Brian - Porcelain Telephone

Okay, so now everyone thinks I'm this great big lezzer, and all my lesbian mates think I'm one of the sisterhood now. They've stood by my side to expiate and purge Briony #10's memory, and carefully not mentioned that I'm snivelling. So a huge party, and one of the hosts, female has decided to become flexi-sexi for the night. A really good looking, intelligent, sexy, interesting host, too. She propositions me. Still stuck in character I say the wrong thing: "I'm not interested in straight girls".
Spot the irony.
She tries repeatedly, and I'm a fool, a total dimwitted bulb head for resisting, but what the hey, I'm drunk, popular, flirting wildly, and loving it.
So how the hell did I end up in the toilet all night boffing a squaddie?
They'd drunk a hell of a lot by 2am, when I went in there. God knows what they all did to save their dignity until 6am, when I came out. Shamefaced. Tiptoeing. A lesbian of Ill Repute.
And honestly, I spent half the night, inbetween loud shags, chatting about the role of metaphor and reported speech in Roddy Doyle's novels. I swear.

Posted by Clytemnestra, as part of the Twelve Guest Blogs of Christmas

This page graced by sarsparilla at 7:07 AM GMT
Post Comment | View Comments (19) | Permalink | Share This Post

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 2:33 PM GMT

Name: e
Home Page:

Vanessa, I just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying reading your fantastically well-written stories. They are far too personal to comment on, which is proably why no-one is commenting on them, but the above is the least I can say about them. I have to confess as well a lot of naivety about the circumstances in which people discover their sexuality, so I'm finding them very informative as well.

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 3:52 PM GMT

Name: Kat
Home Page:

I need some 'splain. What is a squaddie?

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 3:55 PM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page:

It's a common term for a man over the age of 70 whose wife is still living.

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 6:29 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Cheeky mare!

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 6:32 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Kat asked: What is a squaddie?
In this case an irish lieutenant.

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 6:34 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

What a lovely comment, especially from someone who writes as well as you do. I've never worked out if I discovered my sexuality or if it was foisted upon me. I suppose it works out the same, either way. :o)

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 7:11 PM GMT

Name: yidaho
Home Page:

Oops, typo. Sorry.

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 7:14 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Pfffft! ;-P

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 9:18 PM GMT

Name: Nedra Zeall
Home Page:

I don't know what a squaddie is or who Roddy Doyle is... frankly I think I need a little help in know what you are talking about. But even without a clue I know I good thing when I see it. I like you and you are my fave blog of the day.

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 9:31 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Roddy Doyle is an irish writer, and a bit of an arsehole. Think Frank McCourt without the whimsy.
Wait up, I know who you are, I've read your Asshat post on blorgy, and you're Paul from Noxturne's favourite blogger. Whoo, thanks!

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 9:41 PM GMT

Name: cacoa

why do my comments not show??

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 9:43 PM GMT

Name: cacoa

ok that one showed, right what i wanted to say:

1)very good read, i've read them all right back.

2) visions during orgasm? Really?

Friday, 19 December 2003 - 9:47 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Em. Maybe. Em. *blush*

The comments are weird, it makes it look like it's published when it's only showing you a preview screen, so you have to click twice.

Thanks, Cacoa!

Saturday, 20 December 2003 - 5:24 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa
Home Page:


Your tales of coming of age sexually are a facinating and fun read!
I had to keep coming back to give them the time they deserve, to be read thoroughly rather than skimming.

Were you recently overtaken by a writing frenzy? ;)


Saturday, 20 December 2003 - 5:38 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

They were all written last week, on public transport, appropriately enough, but they're a bit out of date, as they're mostly ten years in the past, and no recent shags are included.
Thanks, anyway!

Sunday, 21 December 2003 - 9:13 PM GMT

Name: sarah

They are blimmin good. Frankly, I'm impressed you can remember them - I can't even remember who I shagged last year, let alone ten years ago.

Sunday, 21 December 2003 - 10:34 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

I'm probably hitting senility early; you know, when old ladies can remember being six years old but can't remember to get dressed in the morning? That's scarily realistic right now.

Monday, 22 December 2003 - 8:04 PM GMT

Name: Hotline

Came out of the bathroom at 6am??!!! I seem to remember it being more like 10am... And I had to go out and relieve my dignity in the garden a couple of times. What really impressed us was how the two of you managed to go at it for so long in such a ridiculously tiny bathroom, no room to swing a decent-sized member let alone the proverbial cat!

Monday, 22 December 2003 - 8:23 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa


But ten years on, I apologise.


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