Guest Blog: Everyone I've Ever F*cked.
#6: Briony - Freeway Girl

Do you recall that Brian #5's best friend used to throw unsuccessful all night parties to get him and me together? My then best friends both had an enormous schoolgirl crush on her. An attractive actress, artist, and a middle class hippy chick pothead, they thought she was everything cool. I thought she smelled funny. And I felt constant creeping envy of her unconsummated closeness with Brian #5. Perhaps it was the non-consummation I actually envied.
Anyway, a small party, much flirting between Briony and Mad Dwarf Girl, much tactile, hands-laying, much wine. A miniature orgy ensued, of the mild, unexciting suburban style. And how suburban, frozen, and calculating the venality turned out to be. Fuelled by fear, envy, cowardice. George Orwell would have been proud.
Have you ever fucked someone purely to prevent them from boffing someone else? Don't. It's the most soul destroying nasty thing. To be caught up in a moment that should be about giving, to be entirely focussed on what is not present, upon taking. That was some of the nastiest most soul-destroying sex I ever experienced in my life. It felt hollow, brutal, like a rape, where I was the rapist. I felt no desire. I felt no urge to please. Only to distract her, to occupy a space, to prevent.
Such was my introduction to the sapphic netherworld's seamy underbelly. It scared me so badly that I didn't touch another woman for five years.

Posted by Clytemnestra, as part of the Twelve Guest Blogs of Christmas