I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I knew why I sat home waiting for your call, knowing in the back of my mind you were never going to anyway. If only you knew how I felt. If somehow these thoughts that I entertain in my mind of you and I were able to be put into words, you would feel the same way. But they're not. And this is how I came to be in the present situation that I find myself. I think, for lack of better words, that I love you. Now, I know what you're thinking. "How could you be in love? You don't even know what love is." And this very well may be the case. However, if I have even the faintest notion of what love could be, you are it for me. No one has ever made me feel this way and it seems no one else ever could.

♥ Sunday, June 8 <8:24pm>

So today I was taking a walk, which I occasionally do, trying to “clear my head.” However, instead of doing this, I decided how I’m going to kill myself. Now, technically, it won’t really be suicide because I won’t actually be doing the killing, but I will die, nonetheless, so it doesn’t really matter to me. Anyhow, this is my plan. One evening, as it begins to get dark, I’ll go for a walk. I wait until there are no cars coming and I will lie down in the middle of the road. I’m thinking that I’ll wear all grey so that I will blend in with the road better. Then, a car with come down the road and not be able to see me and I will get hit and die. I think this is a really good plan because, this way, my family won’t be guilty and remorseful that I killed myself and that they could’ve done something about it or helped me. Ya know, that old chestnut. And, they can sue the person who hit me so at least they will get monetary compensation from my death and not nothing.

I also tried to give myself a tattoo last night but it didn’t really work because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

I just went to Wal-Mart with Tammy and got a new tank top and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Funny how this is the highlight of my weekend.

Wow, my dad is going to get kicked in the face. Ohhhhh, my life is such a waste. I wish I had drugs to take.

♥ Sunday, June 8 <9:04pm>

I wish my mom would buy a gun, shoot my dad in the head, then turn the gun around and shoot herself in the face. This would make me really happy right now. They need to act their fucking age and not like 12-year-olds.

♥ Sunday, June 8 <9:23pm>

Devin, you are my best and only friend and I love you so much!!

On the way home, this car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way. This weather. The wind outside is biting. It's left me feeling tired and exposed. You've been asking me to bleed. It seems these kinds of questions come too easy to you now. Your lack of shame comes naturally. I should not be surprised. I should have seen it sooner. You expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong. While you're inciting others. You're owning up to night and I wish that I was gone, because you're not going anywhere. This damp air is fighting my defroster. My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass. It's clouded and so is my head. The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to hold them back. It's useless. I'm useless against them. They are beating me with ease. On the way home this car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way.

♥ Monday, June 9 <4:51pm>

Fuckin a. I'm so incredibly tired and I can't even function. The only reason that I'm even awake right now is because I am a faggot and am waiting for Dominick to call me because I am supposed to go to his house later. And now Eric might have mono so I am completley convinced that I have it. Mountain Dew works for shit because I drank half a bottle and can barely move. I need fucking anti-depressants because I will not be able to survive the summer without them. Tammy and Mark are practically dating and I am in love with this kid and I haven't even met him yet. So if they don't get married then I am going to marry him. Can't even move. So tired. Have to go to a fucking parade tonight. Don't want to. Will be back later to talk about Dominick because I am fucking gay.

♥ Monday, June 9 <8:38pm>

Dominick is a jew and I want him to die. I need help. Serious help. From someone, anyone. I would pray to God but I know he's not listening. Someone needs to help me before I commit these irreversible sins.

My mom is going to get shot in the face. And if Tammy doesn't stop fucking talking about this Mark kid I don't know what the hell I'm going to do to her.

♥ Thursday, June 12 <11:55am>

It's the remix to ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen. Mama rollin' that body got every man in here wishin'. Sippin' on coke and rum, I'm like so what I'm drunk. It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun....Wow, you would never guess he he has sex with 14-year-old girls...

♥ Thursday, June 12 <12:06>

Well, not that I go that out of my system...NO MORE ZIMMER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!! Math final today was soooooo incredible easy!! I'm off to the library! I'm in such a good mood! NO MORE SCHOOL!!

P.S.-I'm in love with Dominick because I went to his house last night...

♥ Thursday, June 12 <1:11pm>

My mother is going to get her fucking throat slit.

♥ Friday, June 13 <1:19pm>

Omg. School is not even officially out yet and already I want to fucking kill my self just so I will have something to do. It also doesn't help that it is about 4 degrees outside and it is june. And I have fucking SARS so that also doesn't help. Devin do you wanna hang out this weekend?

♥ Friday, June 13 <7:43pm>

Today blew my ass. An hour and a half of Barbra Notch. Thought I was going to fucking hang myself. Came home, did jack shit. Actually, I cleaned out my fish tank which took me a good two hours because I am fucking retarded, but it looks pretty now! Anyway, Devvy is coming over sometime soon so we can sit around and do nothing. Pretty much set the precedent of what our entire summer is going to be like.

♥ Friday, June 13 <7:49pm>

Summer goals:

1.) Never be sober.

2.) Decide what college I want to go to and what I want to major in.

3.) Get to third base with Dominick. (I don't think I'm quite ready to "hit a homer.")

♥ Friday, June 13<8:06pm>

How straight edge are you?
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♥ Thursday, June 19 <9:56pm>

Haven't written in a long time. I'm so tired. And stressed. But after tomorrow, I won't have to think about school for two months. The two regents that I thought were going to be the easiest were wicked hard so now I'm even more stressed then I was before. I have to pee. And do laundry. Fuck. I'm so tired. Dominick is coming over on Monday to "bang" and I am afraid because I don't trust myself around him. And I know if I do anything serious I'm just going to regret it because I will feel used. Oh boy. What to do. And I still haven't finished my fucking book. Goddammit. Maybe that's what I'll do now. Peace out.