So, like millions of others who came before me, I've gotten myself an online journal. Just a little bit about the title and why ... It's a lyric from a Gin Blossoms' song "Til I Hear it From You" (also doubled as the title of their greatest hits album). Just felt it fits, so I'm going with it. Anyways, on to my life ... my rants. Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy.

March Entries

March 24th, 2003 1:29 AM

Damn webpage building is annoying but that's done now. It's been a whirlwind week. Going "home" to the 2nd biggest city in America where you know next to no one became extremely intimidating to me. Perhaps I have a jealous bias, but I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down unjustly by going to college out-of-state and coupling it with a 3,000 mile move by my parents. I mean the only friend I had coming here is at MSU now. I'm all on my own, and this summer may be the ultimate display of just that. Might have to make it on my own in Michigan or may be stuck in an antisocial rut with the parents in LA. It's been a long, challenging year, and sometimes it just seems to be more of the same. It's funny but it seems like at the onset of adversity, I sometimes fall back on my tendency to revert to introversion, though I've learned to know better than that from my past experiences. IT'S NOT A GOOD THING. I do it, but it's regressive. My life feels extremely regressive and introverted lately ... At times, it feels like it sucks. I lose sight of all the times I just thrust myself out into the world when I felt like all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball underneath my covers. Should never feel like that really, gotta really work hard at improving the self. Sure, I take steps back every now where I tend to forget that the mind is a powerful tool. But I promise myself that I intend to use it for personal accomplishents, when I get the chance. I've realized this week that college is essentially meaningless and I got a lot more than that in front of me to build my character and to actually "learn from". So fuck books, breathe life. And that process my friends, starts tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed this experience and continue to in the future. I should be back tomorrow.

March 24th, 2003 5:01 PM

Wow, it's 72 here and sunny. Amazing how the onset of spring changes so much. Spirits are higher on campus, and so seemingly is the appearence of people. Everyone's outside, and rightfully so. At the moment (I mean it's 5 now, sun's gonna go down soon anyway, no sense in trying to tan now) I'm here, just bowled over by this huge metamorphosis that sadly will end with the onset of rain tomorrow. Anyway, onto my day, which has been nothing but good really. Woke up at 12:30ish. Purposely skipped my first 2 classes, didn't miss anything but notes. Showed up for a class, and the quiz to be adminstered was rescheduled and the class ended in 10 minutes after handing out the midterm grades (I got a 91 for those of you brownnosers, haha). Ridiculous amounts of nothing in the schoolwork department today, just adds to my aforementioned theory that I'm not really fermenting my personal growth here in college. Sure, it's 4 years to waste my parents' money so that I have a degree and can get a job, but I think its lost its charm in seducing me. I don't believe in the hype that college is promoting "higher learning" for me. That's coming from my life experiences, which were extremely pleasant today for the most part. Caught up with 2 kids today on separate occasions that I hadn't seen since before spring break. People worry me a lot. I think about them too much. I think that what they appear to be isn't what they really are, I wonder if alterior motives exist, etc. It's essentially futile, because you will never actually know what people think, trust me. All you can do is try your best to communicate with someone, and in order to do that most successfully it takes the ability to be open and fearless. You will say stupid shit all the time, don't try and walk on eggshells, just say it. It'll play out fine, it has in the past for you (that means me too) and it will play out fine in the future. I think a lot of people might take me for granted, because for the most part I'm usually the more dependable, caring one. This is not always the case, just ask my friend in NY and my best friend back in WB. They know who they are. By the way, rule of journal, I don't name names, but if you don't know who the previous persons are, feel free to ask me about it. I'm obviously not afraid to talk about anything, in fact it's probably my favorite thing to do, so if you're bored and you want verbal stimulation, I'm chilling and I'll talk about ANYTHING. I think you should talk about anything too, and talk about it with me. Hmmm ... I'm demented, but I'm not the only one, you know you are too.

"When you gonna make up your mind? Cuz things are gonna change so fast." - Tori Amos "Winter"

Great song, I advise all to take a listen. Hopefully you enjoy the journal and the song. That's it for now, I imagine I'll be back again before I go to bed tonight.

March 25th, 2003 12:54 AM

Change. What an evil fucking word. Or at least most seem to think so. I've heard (and had) my share of complaints about it lately. Myself in fact, for years I resented, avoided, feared the word. That doesn't work. I hope everyone (who hasn't already) finds that out as painlessly as possible. A lot of what I've been hearing from my friends lately is about them rejecting changes. Life is in your hands for the most part, and what's not in your hands is up to you to deal with as you please. Times get lonely, times get bitter, I know this. But these emotions aren't positive. With open eyes (and sometimes with a heavy heart) you can examine life from a broad perspective. If it doesn't work today, try for tomorrow, if not tomorrow, then the next day. I don't know one person who hasn't seen their share of both good times and bad. Don't reject it. The phrase "life isn't fair" has stuck around for so long because it's a little more timeless than "gnarly" or "tubular". I hope everyone can stop planning their lives. I know I struggle with it all the time. (I'm no model anything, and I wouldn't have this journal if I was. You probably wouldn't be reading it either, unless you're just really bored, ya poor bastard. Remember, I appreciate all feedback I get even if I've only received 2 notices so far [both positive and much appreciated], and also don't think for a second that I don't know that more than 2 people read this. I know.) And for all of you that are reading this. Shit's gonna suck. Your parents will move to a new city. You will have feelings that seem too difficult to shake. You will be blamed for something you didn't do. Your love interest will crush you. This shit is inevitable. What you do with it ... well, that is up to you.

"All of the stars have faded away, just try not to worry you'll see them someday. Take what you need, be on your way and stop crying your heart out" - Oasis "Stop Crying Your Heart Out"

I hope you take some of your time to drop me a line about this stuff. Cuz if this journal was just for me, it wouldn't be online. Peace+Love.

March 25th, 2003 2:59 PM

I was on fire today in Jewish History class. So easy to make those Jewish STD (yeah yeah SDT ) sorority girls laugh. Just gotta poke fun at this grown woman in the 2nd row who asks her questions/makes her comments like she's the expert historian who should be lecutring the class. Such a bizarre situation everytime, whole class laughs at her, great stuff nonetheless. Anyway, joking about her to the girls around me made me feel like my old self today, or at least one of my multiple selves that I like to be. Some people (maybe most?) are surprised when I tell them I have social anxiety. It's pretty annoying to explain the whole situation, but if you're interested, ask me about it, and I'll be glad to explain. Anyways, it shocks my friends from HS because they so often recall me being intensely hyperactively and overtly talkative to the point of becoming annoying. Well yeah, that's a piece of me. That's the reason for people thinking I'm funny usually because I got this Robin Williams/Jim Carrey "always on" kind of craziness where you can't get me to shut up. It's like I'm always performing. Trying to modulate that now though, cuz it's really kinda manic behavior. Been working with yoga lately (in part because my body is extremely tense) to try and gain command of my energy and relax my body/mind/soul. I'm no expert with yoga yet, nor am I consistently making definitive progress with my yoga techniques ... But damn, somedays it's the shit and it just calms me down like no other, allowing me to take control of my energy and release it in more positive ways. Yeah, it's cool when yoga works, kinda like it's cool when life works ... So a lot of the time (Here comes the interactive part of my journal where you give me your opinion ... because if you're reading this I know who you are, so you may as well drop me a line when I ask you to. I'm not gonna hunt you down, but I'd appreciate more than the three comments of feedback I've received. In case you haven't checked the counter says 41, and I can account for every single person on that list.) Sometimes I waver into thoughts that I'm bound for something unique, great, different, in life. My loud mouth ... is that made for TV? (we'll have to see if the rest of me is cut out for it too, haha i'm pale and skinny) or radio for that matter? Will I be designing clothes ten years from now? (How would you like to have my name printed on your jeans, right there on your ass? That's just great.) Or will I just follow in the footsteps of so many of our parents who lead lives supported by ordinary occupations. Business owner, doctor, lawyer, real estate agent ... I mean, am I really destined for that? Where do YOU see ME? As Adam Duritz (lead singer/mastermind behind the Counting Crows) would ask, "Does anybody see me?" but that's a whole separate topic. For now, I think I've said a fairly decent piece. Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. Might just be back tonight before bed for round 2 of today's journal, in between now and then, lemme know what ya think about what's said above and what ya wanna hear about in the future. Sure I do this for me (mostly) but yeah, I'm a nice guy, so this site is for you too, haha.

"We wanna be big stars ... Man we get all fucked up about that." - Counting Crows "Mr. Jones (Live @ the World Cafe, 2002)"

March 26th, 2003 12:54 AM

Just lost the entire entry I had just typed. It's late (for me at least) and I'm not gonna try and redo it. I sat here for three hours staring at this screen with only headphones and a blank mind. I finally had something, but now it's mostly lost. That's the way the cards are played. I'm cool with it. Getting angry over small stuff, so not worth it. I truly believe that, and I think the mind can be trained to accept it. That being said, I'll say in brief what I meant to get across. Be good to the people you care about. And by good I mean honest and understanding. Don't get mad, and don't be afraid to hold back. If we could find common ground in the Middle East we wouldn't be at war. I say, make like Blessid Union of Souls and ...

"Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand. Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand. Open up your mind and then open up your heart. And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart. Cuz I believe that love is the answer." - Blessid Union of Souls "I Believe"

Goodnight, pleasant tomorrow.

March 26th, 2003 12:22 PM

The cycle of losing useful thoughts perpertuates. Last night after losing my original journal entry and posting a lackluster make-up edition, I went to shower. In the shower, like I imagine it is with most people, I have some of my most insightful (or at least they feel that way) moments. Sometimes at the computer I write full-length song lyrics, sometimes I just write down freestyles. In the shower I busted out an amazing freestyle adaptation of one of my previously written, yet incomplete songs. Unfortunately, you can't write much down in a shower. I tried to keep the lyrics in my head as long as I could but by the time I woke up this morning it was gone. A friend once told me of herself, "I wish I was depressed." Befuddled, I asked, "Why would you ever wish for that?" She replied, "It makes my writing better." That could be, but I'm certain that my emotions toward the song I was cultivating were anything but depressed. In short, it was of a relationship between this girl and I that started out purely physical turned boring, then non-existent. Returned, only to be troubled by a new emotional component, which soon fizzled. At current juncture, though sometimes we feel disjointed, we're pretty close to best friends. My point is this brings about inspiration for me, and that inspiration is not necessarily triggered by sadness. The mind is always thinking, whether it be, positive, negative or indifferent. It's amazing amidst this how much creation that is cultivated and then only to be lost so soon after. I guess that's another theory behind this journal. I want to preserve thought, have a memory bank of what I was feeling/thinking and when. I've mentioned previously that I'm often seduced by visions of grandeur. It's like when you watch MTV Cribs and you say "That house is tight; I wish I had it." Sometimes I watch and say, "I will have that house." Maybe we all say that, but as I mentioned, I'm inspired by the above notion. Success stories all started somewhere in a not so radiant light. P. Diddy (who is mad successful despite his lack of integrity) believed he was meant to be big even when he worked as an unpaid intern at the Uptown Entertainment record label. Now he's got Bad Boy, amongst other things and more projects than he knows what to do with. Conan O'Brien muddled amid low-recognition writing jobs on SNL and The Simpsons. Now Conan is on TV every night. (Just for the record, I love his show. He's that elitist kind of funny that you wouldn't wanna be a victim of but you can't help laughing at otherwise.) And there's a feeling that I can't seem to shake these days ... the strength of my individuality. On the phone last night, my friend said of me, "You have a unique style." I don't really think I'm self-absorbed or narcissistic, though I could very well be, but I just can't get over how much I feel like a unique creation. If you're in college, shouldn't you be spending your nights trashed and stoned silly? I mean everyone does that in my room last night, why bother with this journal shit instead? I guess I've failed the initiation into the "everyone" fraternity. Let's see what I make of myself. If I'm right, and I get myself an MTV-style crib, I'm right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. In the meantime though, I don't have a tight crib, so I need that $40 that some stupid bitch who's probably gonna read this knows she owes me. Regardless of her longstanding debt, I got love for her. In any event, I'm dropping the subject of both debts and dreams for now, because it's a beautiful day outside and I got nothing else to do but enjoy this moment.

"I am waking up for the first time. My mind is made up, I've opened my eyes. I can't shake it off, what you said last night. I have slept enough, now I'm going outside." - Graham Colton Group "Waking Up"

March 27th, 2003 1:06 AM

Wow, 79 hits, coming from all over the place. People I haven't talked to in months are converging on my website ... most notably, my infamous ex-girlfriend? Well unless someone took over my dearest ex's computer between the hour of 10 and 11 to access this journal twice ... well then, I've got myself a culprit. Logically, yes, it could've been someone else accessing the link from my profile using her computer, but it sure is a little disconcerning either way. In any event, if you swing on by again, know that I'm not bitter or angry. Though, I am a little disappointed if this was you that you didn't approach me vis-à-vis, as the French say, "face-to-face." I try and profess an ideology of open communication with anyone, friend, enemy or in between. For most people, they're able to express themselves comfortably with me. You and I used to be that way and it was great, but if it's not meant to have more chapters written, life moves forward, not backward and I am at peace with our relationship and all that entails. I think about you too and all that we had, hope all is still well and you enjoyed Dawson's tonight. Kinda funny that last entry was a rehash of a sordid past relationship, and the beginning of this entry was one as well. I guess that stuff has to come out tonight, and I gotta drop all of it down or let it fester within. While that relationship of last semester seems so far away and so much has changed within me since, the end product remains the same. I'm not in a relationship (amid all the environmental change lately, don't think I want one right now really), I haven't had any luck meeting any new loves here @ IU. Thought I came close for a little bit, there's someone certain to be reading this, she may not know who she is, but I thought for a while maybe there was something. There isn't, and at press time there could not be. But that's the way it goes. The old saying goes "A day late and a dollar short". Don't confuse this journal entry. This isn't lament out of me. Just feel like if I'm gonna preach this honesty is the best policy shit, I ought to follow it. Remind me next time I'm alone in a room with a cute girl to kiss her on the lips and not somewhere less passionate. Worst possible case scenario is I get rejected, but at least someone is complimented. This is nothing new that I've suddenly learned or anything, but something I always seem to fail to lose sight of. A lot has happened today. One of my best high school friends broke up with his girlfriend of nearly 3 years. Crazy, at least it brought us closer together after not hanging out for about 3 months. I still don't know where I'm gonna be this summer. In my own apartment however is no longer an option. Michigan or LA, I ain't living by myself. When I've got more details, I'll post them. But it's been a really long day, and after just finishing up an hour-plus phone conversation which basically involved me talking about gibberish the entire time I'm pretty exhausted. I'm glad I make you smile though, even if you will reject me every New Year's when I come onto you. I probably won't do that anymore; I'll just stick to trying to make you smile. I think for once I've finally put together a full entry in this thing. And I hope it shows, because the interest of others in my journal, while it's still in its infant stages, seems to be rising steadily. I still can't believe the ex's name showed up twice. Blows my mind, wonder if it will change things. Anyway, I believe I've covered everything I wanted to and while there is more stuff I wanna get to in the future, I know that it is not meant for this evening. It will be told, with me there are very rarely stories that are never told. So come one, come all ... Come back for more the next day, I'll be sure to serve it up. I'm really glad I got to talk to my friend @ MSU today even if he just broke up w/his girlfriend. Sorry I missed your call dawg and you missed mine back. So in honor of all that, a quote from his favorite band Oasis and one of my favorite song lyrics will end this entry.

"I'm free to be whatever I, whatever I choose and I'll sing the blues if I want. I'm free to say whatever I, whatever I like if it's wrong or right it's all right. It always seems to me; You always see what people want you to see. So how long's it gonna be before we get on the bus and cause no fuss? Get a grip of yourself it doesn't cost much." - Oasis "Whatever"

March 27th, 2003 3:27 PM

Definitely need a nap or some yoga right now. I just spent a half hour writing this, and again it went unsaved strangely. Luckily for the most part it's written down so I'll do the best to resuscitate it. Not very happy right now, but it's mostly because the entry just got lost and my roommate keeps playing shitty music on his giant speakers. Thank god I got headphones that work to drown it out now. Might've had to kill the frat bitch. Even if these headphones make me deaf it'll be worth it. Anyway, the entry I had just written was all about how I was a crazy kid. In elementary school I was a part of the Addams Family. The story behind it is pretty simple. My family's hair is dark and our skin is pale. Also, my parents dressed (and kinda still do) only in black clothes. My mom had really long hair back then and my dad used a lotta moose before the days of gel & wax supremacy and slicked his hair back like Gomez looked like. Kinda an absurd comparison like how kids call me Prince @ IU now, but it's all good. Anyway, more stories. Dead serious, when I was in 4th grade I started a cult based on a reverence for cheese? (Yeah, the question mark is there because I really have no clue what demented shit I was thinking of when I was 9 years old, more on when I was 9 years old later). The worst part about the "cult" of sorts, in retrospect, was that like 10 people actually followed my directions in being educated on how great cheese was. Tools. Yeah, 4th grade was about the only time, except for an extremely brief run in middle school where I sat at one of the popular kids' lunch tables (I think it was 7th grade, don't remember exactly), that I sat upon the upper echelon of school social status. This of course does not include my youth group during high school, where ever since my flawless performance in Jew*Sync I have been revered as a legend for my unparalleled hip twisting. Back to the weird shit I used to do ... 5th grade I was Harry Truman in the presidents play. One of the greatest presidents ever to serve this country, quiet guy, nothing out of the ordinary about him ... until I get my hands on his likeness. Somehow I got a brilliant idea (once again, in a shower I got this one) to arrange a rap in the middle of my segment. In the middle of my bit, I dropped my top hat & suit for a huge chain link necklace and a backwards White Sox hat and started rapping in front of everyone. "I served from '45 to '53. Even Strom Thurmond could not beat me". Yes, I really wrote these lyrics myself, what a joke. I think my family still might have the videotape in storage. Haha. Doesn't end there. In 1994, once again at the age of 9 years old at day camp during the summer I did a stand-up routine in front of the entire camp at morning assembly. Man, I was a funny kid, or not. Something just doesn't seem funny anymore about immitating Homer Simpson catchphrases. Maybe my Jim Carrey immitation was decent, but regardless, who does stand-up at age 9? Thank you to all the people who laughed in order to make me look good. If you were over the age of 9 and you really thought I was funny, I pray for you. If you were under the age of 9, I understand, anything hyperactive was funny back then. I was really a weird little kid. Speaking of being "little", I used to be like ridiculously short even worse in comparison to others than I am now. People would think I was like 3 years younger than I really was for a long time. During elementary school someone coined one of my longest running childhood nicknames, "Stumpy". This of course came about because in the height department I was about as tall as a tree stump. Don't really know why I felt so compelled to tell all these stories but they just seemed to pop into my head today. Kinda makes me wanna explain the boyband/teeny bopper high school phase, but I'm pretty done with typing up journal entries now. That one could cover an entire other entry. Perhaps it will in the future. Who knows? I generally don't. In honor of today's childhood focus I'm going to leave a quote from my favorite band during my middle school years.

"There was a place and the name of the place escapes me. When I can't remember it irritates me. Could be I can't remember, could be I choose to not. Let's move along the song and try to find the plot ... One day, one day who knows? Someday, someday I suppose. The more I sort it out, the more things get distorted. I sort of think I'm better off just leaving it unsorted. The more I try to change its course the more off course it goes. Of course I'll reach my destination, someday I suppose." - Mighty Mighty Bosstones "Someday I Suppose"

March 28th, 2003 2:05 AM

Definitely gotta sleep for longer periods of time. I got class tomorrow @ 11:15, definitely need to go to sleep soon, so this entry is gonna be short, and probably rather uneventful. My bracket went 4/4 tonight. Whoever thought to pick Duke over Kansas is straight retarded in my book. I'd said all along that Kansas was too solid defensively and if they could just execute on offense Duke had no chance. This Duke team was bound to die by the 3 eventually, and JJ showed tonight why he's just a freshman. Anyway, I'm sure my sports commentary, though rather integral to my life, is of little interest to the reader out there, so let's move on shall we? Just finished watching my late night TV circuit. These shows (excluding Leno) are great. I really should do this for a living. The repeat of Letterman featured a musical performance by The Roots f. Cody Chestnutt. I saw this group this on tour this past summer and I think I'm finally starting to understand why in the mainstream public they're the most under-appreciated act in music. Some kid walked into my room trashing the song. Obviously the Hollywood sun bleached this kid's brain or he smokes crack, because The Roots' "The Seed Version 2.0" is the BEST song I've heard in a LONG time. Their performance was solid, and feel free to contact me if you want a copy of their performance of the song from a Washington D.C. concert, because Kazaa won't get you the album version. Next up, Wanda Sikes on a new episode of Conan was hilarious. She talks about being thrown out of a casino in Vegas, "So I say the F-word, and they tell me I have to leave. I say to them ... Why in a city where I can legally pay someone to F me can I not say the F-word? You're gonna kick me out for this? Listen buddy, F you." Great line. Then Deion Sanders is on a Carson Daly repeat, he's absolutely hilarious with his suit that is worth more than all the clothes I have combined (and that's a lot of clothes, you know me). In the middle of the interview he asks to trade places w/Carson and starts to become the interviewer. Classic stuff. Sorry if I'm coming up short and rather disappointing tonight. Don't have much else to talk about right now except that I'm very grateful for this medium. I don't tend to be reserved, but sometimes everyone is. This journal seems to have the capacity to extend communication lines for me and its readers beyond any of my wildest creations. April starts on Monday ... Time just keeps flying by. Hold onto what ya can, cuz Joni Mitchell, Q-Tip, Janet Jackson and the Counting Crows will all tell you "Ya don't know what ya got 'til it's gone". What I got coming up right now is a shower then bed. That's all folks, I'm out like Duke in the 2003 NCAA Tournament. Oh, and one last thing, Pistons on national TV tomorrow night @ 8 pm ... Move over Sweet 16, Ben Wallace's sweet ass afro is on my agenda tomorrow night. Much respec' to all dem playaz and skeezas. Out.

March 29th, 2003 3:38 AM

Okay, first and foremost, apologies for no afternoon update. I'm gonna try and make up for it with a giant night entry. In my defense, I was seriously out of my room for 14 straight hours. Happens, pretty eventful day between those 14 hours, so I'll get right into that in a quick second. First, on a note regarding last night's entry ... I said that it's not possible to find the album version of the song by The Roots on Kazaa. Well after much searching, I found it last night. So if anyone is interested in an incredible song, ask me for a copy of The Roots featuring Cody Chesnutt "The Seed Version 2.0" Crashed my best friend's car, no mad damage, but it wasn't exactly the coolest thing to do. Gonna pay for that, and then that should put an end to that dark cloud. Luckily, he was extremely understanding about it, so that's a big plus. Once that gets fixed it's a dead issue, thankfully. Moving on, got a call this afternoon. One of the regular site visitors, a very close friend, is starting his own journal. That's awesome. I think that means I inspired someone. Granted people have already met this journal with overwhelming support and often comment on how it provides them with inspiration ... I was inspired by one of my friend's journals to make my own and here I am today having it happen to me. Very happy 'bout that, it's real a simple but extremely rewarding pleasure ... Now we hit the big topic which seems to have been plaguing me all week with more twists & developments than a soap opera plotline. The ex. The only real physical/emotional relationship (if I can even go that far) I've ever had. No need to take this time to rehash the illegitimate nature of most of my other past relationships, but this one was easily the most emotionally involved of whatever exists amid my sordid past. Anyway, she went and checked the site again about 3 hours ago ... Why does she have to do that to me in silence? Mentally, these games are at the very least, draining. Do I love her? Do I miss her? Is she too much trouble than it's worth? Is there a relationship left to return to? Is it friendly or romantic? Is it all doomed to be a continuing period of unhealthy infatuation that can never become a mature, adult relatiosnhip? Should I disregard the seemingly obvious fact that she still thinks about me and just put her away in the back of my mind? Am I secretly dreaming of some reconciliation that is not realistic? I honestly don't know very certain answers to these questions. That is okay. I don't even know if I'm really ineterested in some of the questions, but I always feel like surrounding social factors are pointing me to signs of fate. Take these for example: A few months ago I was having problems with my sex drive, which coincedentally, the problems have improved but not healed back to what I believe is 100% (Hey, I ain't afraid to talk about it, I'm not ashamed. Everyone's got their shit, this is mine, and this is my journal. Go figure.). In any event, I kept hearing jokes over and over that I was gay. I started to obsess and freak out over this. I started imagining that fate was pointing me signs that I was gay. Absurd? Sure, but I do it anyway. I mean yeah, I COULD be gay, but I've lived with me longer than you have, so I'll take my word for it, and if my word changes (Which as we're about to see, it changes quite often) this place will be the first place to find out. It always is the first place to find out when my word changes on ANY subject. Anyways, the whole fate/social environment thing ... Take this week for example: My ex checks the site three time. My best friend back in the WB warns me that I'm still in love w/her, and although I deny the claim vehemently ... Is it that I'm in denial? Maybe, maybe not. I think I just have to be less defintive, making everything black and white ruins a lot of great gray area, like the once mentioned situation w/my location this summer. I don't need to definitively answer that question this moment. I'm learning things can flow. Returning again to the fate/social environment theory, there is the fact that my best friend here @ IU, also from my home area, spoke to his ex-girlfriend for the first time in a long time this past week. He too is unsure of what future roles are meant to be played between the two of them. The final evidence: I'm not much of a Dawson's Creek fan anymore (though it sure as hell is my ex's favorite show) but I've heard murmurings from other fans that I know, that say Joey and Pacey are looking like they're going to get together once more before the series ends at season's end. I used to say how I thought things went in cycles like the seasons do. I'd talk of how behaviors between social circles were parallel. When one person wants to be in a relationship ... everyone else around them does too. I'm not drawing conclusions tonight. Perhaps the ex will continue to check my website and we'll never exchange words. That's fine too. I mean, that's real safe isn't it? There isn't much I can say on this thing that would shock her anyway, and I'm not afraid of ANYONE hearing my innermost truths, so she's welcome to access this site to her enjoyment. The whole situation is bizarre, and when bizarre situations arise, this is my forum to present them in an attempt to come to terms with them. In any event, developments should unfold, and assuming they do, they come here. Now as it passes 4 am, on the first night in a while I've had a real major SOCIAL outing, I'm gonna let these questions sit, try to get some sleep and likely give them a reintepretation in the morning. So my random media playlist just happens to fall on Counting Crows "Anna Begins (Live at the Fox Theater in Detroit, 10-18-02)" Isn't that the night I went to go visit the ex and the next day, the ensuing break-up? Fate/social environment coincedence? You decide. Nonetheless, here's a song excerpt.

"My friend assures me. She says, "It's all or nothing". But I am not worried; I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions. Oh she says, "You're changing". We're always changing. It does not bother me to say that this isn't love. Cuz if you don't wanna talk about it, then it isn't love. And I guess I'm gonna have to live without it. But I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray, there's something in between. And I could always change my name if that's what you mean ... You try to tell to yourself these things to make yourself forget I am not worried. But if it's love we're gonna have to think about the consequences ... And everytime she sneezes I think it's love, and oh lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing. She's talking in her sleep and it's keeping me awake." Counting Crows - Anna Begins (Live @ The Fox Theatre, Detroit 10-18-02)

P.S.: Now the media playlist is getting into "Goodnight Elisabeth" from that same Counting Crows show. Don't even get me started on that song. I'll say this much, it's a beautiful piece performed better in concert than almost all other Crows tunes. If you're interested in the story behind it, or anything else that I've presented, feel free to ask me about it, cuz I've noted a major influx of former HS friends back home at the universities in the state of Michigan checking up on this journal lately. Don't be a stranger if you don't wanna be. I mean, just read the journal if that's what you wanna do, but you can ask me about it too. I love the feel of the questions or comments people pose to me about the journal. And after I pull myself away from the Counting Crows' grip on my heart & soul w/their striking live, extended rendition of "Goodnight Elisabeth" I will love the feel of my bed. Night all. Peace+Love.

March 29th, 2003 3:51 PM

Once again gonna have to start this entry off with an apology, to myself this time though. Last night's entry was way too crazy. I've been making a large effort toward modulating myself recently. I made mention in an earlier entry of "manic"-like tendencies when I get too hyper for my own good. Sure it feels good, like a natural high of sorts, but just like any high you got to come down, and so I'm trying to keep things more calm these days. Last night I came back after having a crazy up/down day. I let that get the best of me, and I think that craziness shows through the entry. I'm not very proud of (not what I said, at least not for the most part necessarily, there were some RIDICULOUS things but) how I said things mostly were just out of line from the start. I mean the quotes, the two mentions of the Counting Crows songs, I mean in my eyes it is very clear to me in looking back that I was out of control. I didn't even take a step back, as I'm trying to do now, 12 hours later, to just relax, I just put a lot of random shit down. But at this moment I'm a little better rested and back into perspective. Today's entry is gonna be a bit different than most. Since I woke up less than an hour ago there will be no rehash of day's events. Today, I'm going to take the chance to talk about what is probably my biggest hobby, something that makes up a major portion of my daily regimen whether I talk about it here or not. MUSIC. Sometimes I look at music in my life w/bits of contempt because I'm almost always spending my time listening to music. At times it is a very antisocial tool, walking around the campus or sitting at the computer in your dorm room resting in a cocoon of headphones. It kind of cuts you off from the world, or at least the way I use it lately it does. But nonetheless, I'm gonna give it some thought here because I love it so much. A lot of my past (and I guess you could call them present) musical tastes have been called into question, soliciting suggestions that I must be gay or just have bad taste in general. Let the defense present its case to the jury right now before the conviction is rendered. If listening to *NSync, 98º, O-Town, LFO and willingly seeing all of the above in concert makes me gay or a poor listener in choice of music, then count me in. I like that shit sometimes, not as much as I used to LOVE it back in the HS days. In any event it's solid pop music that can just make you move your feet, something I've always loved since I was brought up on assorted Motown records. That whole "teeny-bopper" phase (which has definitely lessened recently, though not fully receeded like say: my roommate's hairline, haha) of my music listening, is really just my brother's fault. This of course is because nothing is EVER my fault, or at least for a long time (say 18 years or so) I used to pretend nothing was ever my fault. I'm sure I'll speak more on that little note at a later date, but today it's music. If my brother never gave me the initial *NSync CD saying, and I quote "I thought that this would be as good as the New Kids on the Block and New Edition, but they're not, so you can have it." none of this would've happened. The original *NSync CD is really good. It's probably their best amid the three so far, and Timberlake on his own is great, and I'm glad I'll probably see him in concert this summer. It's all just like the Motown I used to listen to in my house growing up, just done in prepackaged, hypersexualized, teenage-idol styled males. Sorry, but image is nothing, thirst is everything, drink the music, not some other bullshit surrounding it. Moving on, what am I into now? Well, anyone could tell easily, the Counting Crows. I'll defend this band (and I always have to, especially to my dad, who mocks my extreme love for them, after ironically initially exposing me to one of what he thought was [and it IS] the greatest albums of that current time, their initial album. Others mock me, knocking their other mainstream releases, which I think are amazing songs.) Anyways, my advice on the Counting Crows, listen to some of their stuff, see them live with an open mind, and if you aren't blown away by how they've been able to keep their music current despite Adam Duritz getting up there in age (he's like 40 these days, honestly), I'd be surprised. I'm glad to be seeing them next month at Butler in a very SOCIAL setting w/2 good friends from IU. There's also been a lingering passion incited in me (much like the Counting Crows was) by a close friend, for Oasis. They're the self-proclaimed greatest rock band, and I wouldn't exactly give them THAT prestigious title, but I would go as far to say they're pretty damn high up there knocking on the door to that claim. Now, I'll get to some more music worthy of focus because they're more like my own "discoveries" of sorts. Graham Colton Group (sometimes just called Graham Colton). Some of you reading this are familar with this group who have been to Bloomington 3 times this year, once opening for my much loved Crows. They've recently signed w/Universal Records, and I couldn't be more excited for their first big label release, and if you've heard any of their stuff you might just be too. Another genre of music I'm big on, is a capella music. I didn't discover this music until late into high school a friend of mine gave me her school's a cappella CD. I kind of discarded it, but since getting to college it's been totally different. Here at IU we have Straight No Chaser, critically acclaimed as one of the best college a cappella acts in the country, and after seeing them live, I'd say it's tough to say otherwise. I've got over 100 college a capella MP3s on my computer, and it just keeps growing. That music is tight, when I'm breaking from the above mentioned bands I like to slide it in, most usually since my random media playlist on my laptop comes upon an a cappella track like one in every five times. If you've never heard the University of Virginia Hullabahoos sing "I Wanna Sex You Up" (done originally of course by Color Me Badd), then you haven't lived. Anyway, that's about all I'm gonna say for music for now. Just gonna drop some other names of artists real quick that I'm too tired to talk about but deserve just as much consideration as the ones above. Remy Shand and Craig David. Both have amazing soul voices, great stuff even if Remy is white and Canadian and Craig is black and British. Might slide back into a longer discussion of music tonight, think I'm staying in, getting some HW done and such, cuz being the non-drinking/non-pot smoking low-level partier I am, I had quite enough yesterday. In any event, I'd like to round this entry out with a fairly large (since of course, I'm always listening to music) list of songs I've been listening to a lot lately, excluding that track by The Roots, because that song has been said MORE than enough in this journal so far despite the fact it is one of my favorites. It's so damn long to type out and I just don't want to do it AGAIN. Anyway, here we go:

Bruce Springsteen "The Rising (Live at the 2003 Grammys)", Justin Timberlake "Rock Your Body", English Beat "Save it for Later", General Public "Tenderness", Bob Dylan "Most of the Time", Thompson Twins "Hold Me Now", M2M "Don't Say You Love Me", Elwood "Slow", Simple Plan "Addicted", Ben Taylor Band "Island", Linkin Park "Points of Authority (Jay Gordon Remix)", Matchbox Twenty "3am", Cornershop "Brimful of Asha", and finally, Tears for Fears "Woman in Chains" (one of my favorite songs, EVER). I will be back later, my adoring public, haha. Hope this tides you over until we meet again next time. Peace+Love, these are the necessary ingredients to life my friends.

March 30th, 2003 1:34 AM

I haven't even been up for longer than 10 hours today and I'm getting close to going to sleep. Definitely won't make it much farther past 12 conscious hours on the day, but hey, it happens. Fairly uneventful day, gotten some major feedback in all directions in response to the comments I made about the ex. Thought I kind of cleared up in this afternoon's entry that last night's comments were the rambling sensations of a sleep-deprived man. If that wasn't clear, I'm sorry. Yeah, I miss her and I don't think it was fair, but I know that is life. Sometimes when the thought of a reconciliation arises, I forget all the things that caused the initial split. Just like anyone else (remember, this especially includes myself), she's got great qualities and not so great ones. Unfortunately for us, too much of our collective bad was overriding the good. I remember this picture much clearer now. If it's meant to come back around, it will. She should know that just as well as I should. I'm feeling like I've dwelled on this subject much too long so it's done from now on unless something changes. That aside, one major bright spot worth reporting came out of the day, I was introduced to a new band by the name of The Bens. Big ups to my perpetually drunken informant (who also is a frequent journal visitor) for the lowdown on this band. The Bens consist of, well, 3 very talented Bens: Ben Lee of Australia, Ben Kweller, and Ben Folds. The track of choice is "Bruised", with vocals commanded by Folds. Absolutely stunning stuff, Ben Folds is a rare talent that words just can't do justice to. Speaking of words on talent ... someone far more informed on the subject than me took slight exception to what I've said about The Roots. I like The Roots, saw them live up close this past summer, liked it very much. I can't get "The Seed" out of my head these days, but I'm no expert on them by any means, nor do I try to be. Every mainstream magazine (not just music ones, ones like Details too) says only good things about this band, and perhaps I'm starting to understand why. So, in summation, I know very little about The Roots other than ?uestlove, their drummer, is a music prodigy who digs anything from certain new-wave '80s music to Timberlake's new album. That being said, I hope to have righted my wrongs for the past week on this late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Haha, isn't it funny that the current AIM conversation I'm having right now is about someone's (not mine for once) mistakes? Great, I'm not the only one. I think I knew that already though. Anyways, musical quote of the night, please don't read into it, I swear it's just for fun tonight. Not like psycho quoting of last night. Well, the nod goes to those boys The Bens and this new treasure I've found, "Bruised.

"Oh no, love just leaves you bruised. If you wanna know, you find something to lose. The world won't turn until something breaks. Who will make the first, last mistake? They say that good things come to those who wait. Into the spiral, your world and my world, it's never final. Love just leaves you bruised. - The Bens "Bruised"

March 30th, 2003 3:33 PM

Was just back here adding the latest entry like 14 hours ago. I really devote a lot of time to this thing, and yeah, it's silly sometimes. Oh well, people come back for more and so do I. Cleaned up the site a little. Everything is now crisp and to my liking. Lotta stuff looming over the next week, but I'm feeling pretty calm now. Wouldn't say I'm filled with joy, but I feel pretty together and relaxed and clear-headed. I definitely just took like an hour long shower, that never hurts. Simple pleasures in life, like a shower or a few minutes of yoga, or a good book, so under-rated and under-utilized a lot of the time by our peer group. Lot of people laugh at me when I tell them about yoga, but in actuality I really wish I had the discipline to sticking to it in a structured daily routine, as well as the other functions listed above. They really are such positive aspects to incorporate into daily life. Oh well, nothing falls into place overnight. One day I'll have time for that stuff and make it into a structured routine. Got a lot of positive response for posting that M2M song in my list of songs I've been listening to lately. Those little guitar-playing Euro-teeny boppers kind of fell off the map. Sad state of affairs considering they put out a second album not too long ago and I never really looked much into it. The two singles off the first album were great. Yeah, it's another one of those cheesy pop-bands, no question, but the hooks and vocals are damn catchy. Not gonna go and say the lyrics are artistic treasures because that would just be insane, but yeah, I dig M2M even if it's chick pop-rock. MSU plays Texas tonight and I'm pulling for them hard. I grew up hating those bastards, bleeding maize and blue, but hey, they're the ones who let me into their school even if I ended up @ IU. Outside of IU, the majority of my friends go to MSU. So even though people will eternally debate if I'm from Michigan or California from now on, I gotta represent for MSU. I hope all my friends enjoy a crazy riot in East Lansing after earning a much deserved final four berth. Anyways, kinda a short entry for this afternoon, I gather weekend afternoon entries will be as such most of the time. There ain't too much to say when you've only been awake 3 hours and done pretty much nothing. So for all y'all out there who like to blast M2M, throw your hands up to this rather poetic quote.

"My heart is spinning round and round. There's something special I have found. And everytime I close my eyes, all I can think of is you and me. Oh baby, can't you see? That everything you do, everything, everything you do, everything that you say ... Everything you do makes me wanna go ooh ooh ah ah" - M2M "Everything You Do"

Peace+Love+Truth=Something, haven't figured it out yet. Until we meet again tonight ...

March 30th, 2003 9:37 PM

Obviously an earlier update than usual tonight. Not going to bed yet, but probably will attempt to do so. Apologize to the two people who asked for me to come hang with them. I really just don't have the focus for this. I have other shit (like that yoga, reading, etc. stuff I talked about into today's afternoon entry) that I need to do. Just want to reiterate that I'm sorry if I didn't hang out w/people when they asked last night. I always question people's intentions when the shoe is on the other foot, thinking they don't want to hang out because it's me. Well, in this case, it's not you, I just don't wanna do it tonight. Anyways, been working on something all day, and I wanted to share it. I've made mention many times before of my avid latenight television watching. I thought to myself today, how hard is it to write one of those opening monologues the hosts do? So, in about an hour's time, I put together one today. I'm gonna share it right here to a fairly assorted audience, hoping to get all sorts of feedback. Anyway, here it is:

A Reuters newswire article states "Mutual fund directors, who are responsible for safeguarding the interests of investors yet criticized for being too lax, received pay raises last year even as industry profits and portfolios tumbled." In response to a large outrage from the American public over this finding, our President responded by saying "I don't have time to worry about the economic freedom of you Americans. Can't you see I'm too busy trying to free the Iraqi people?"

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Lisa Marie Presley admitted that her attraction to Michael Jackson during their 1994 marriage was "real". In a related story, drug tests administered to Lisa Marie Presley showed a strong presence of crack cocaine in her system.

A Reuters Health article reports that "New York bar patrons may someday agree with a smoking ban". It is being reported that this story is supposed to coincide with hell freezing over.

The AP reports, "A man in civilian clothes drove a pickup truck into a group of U.S. soldiers standing outside a store at the Kuwaiti desert base of Camp Udairi on Sunday, wounding 15 of them". This just proves my theory that you can train a group of average Americans to be fearless in the face of war, but you just can't train them to be smart. I mean, these people are at war. What the HELL are they thinking? “Gee guys, I think we can take a break from war and just chill out here at this Kuwaiti 7-11.”

An AP article quotes Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan as saying that "Better data on the status of poverty in the country is needed in order to survey the severity of the problem". Wait ... this just in ... It's being reported that Alan Greenspan hasn’t stepped out onto the street outside his office in Washington D.C. since becoming Federal Reserve Chairman.

A new virus has killed more than 50 people and has infected hundred worldwide according to Maggie Fox, a Reuters' news Health and Science correspondent. She claims that experts advise in order to combat the problem that people should "Wash their hands". In related news, this correspondent has signed on to host a new Fox News program entitled "News That Is Obvious."

It's being reported by LAUNCH music that James Taylor will be honored with a bridge in his name @ The University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill next month. School officials expect by bringing in a famous musician they will receive an enthusiastic response by the student body. Members of the student body have been quoted on the matter as saying "Who's James Taylor? Isn't that the name of the guy from Home Improvement?"

Well, that's my news monologue. Late night potential? You tell me, I'd really appreciate it. Back to rather "normal" journal entries tomorrow, a day I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about. As always, peace+love.

March 31st, 2003 3:49 PM

Good to hear a few responses to the jokes. Glad for the couple of you who thought they were actually funny. Glad people responded with honesty and told me what sucked when they thought so. I mean, I'm no pro yet, but maybe, just maybe, with a lot of work, this is my calling? That idea of what's our calling seems to be a topic of focus with a lot of my peers. If we're sitting around here in college taking classes and spending what's left of our free time on the computer, socializing, partying what are we really doing to advance us past the stages of high school? Seemingly nothing. I mean it seems like the same shit at a different place to me. How are we finding our calling here in college? I think in this anxiety driven world I'm always feeling like I gotta have the answer, at that moment, and I gotta believe in it with all my heart. Bill Gates had all this figured out when he was 19, went straight out of Harvard after a semester, and look where he is now. I'm not advocating dropping out of college by any means, but taking a step back and planning for your future never hurts, if anything it might give you a leg up on the competition. It also helps me sleep at night, haha. It probably is also why I can't hold sucessful relationships, because I tend to get, say, overexcited at first and that either persists to an uncomfortable level for the other person or it fizzles quickly for me and never returns to its initial fire. That right there is one of my clearest signs of immaturity. And that also explains my deep desire to "modulate" my emotions to a more relaxed pace. Anyway, today has been really odd, overslept through a lecture, then the discussion which would normally be taking place right now was cancelled and they didn't even announce it IN the lecture I missed. Not so cool. But the free hour is cool. In between these two happenings I took my much-needed hour-long shower which was preceeded by a trip to my headphones. I felt like I was gonna cry. Don't really know why I felt like I was going to, don't have much to be upset about right now, but something was prodding me. The ensuing events, the shower, and the cancelling of class seemed to curb that emotion. Anyway, 2:15ish right before the shower, I went to my bed w/Counting Crows from MSU (11-23-02) and something about my favorite Crows' song "Murder of One" started to snap me out of it, I think. When performed live, Duritz always ends with the added lyric "I have been to Paris. I have been to Rome. I have gone to London. I am not alone. I have been to Paris. I have been to Rome. I've come to [insert city of current performance here] tonight, [insert city of next performance here] tomorrow. I am not alone. I am not alone. You are not alone. We are not alone." Something about that bit just makes me feel good inside. Can't really describe it, but it's a pick me up, and obviously 2 hours ago I could've used one. Anyway, lot of shit to take care of this week. Fallen sizably behind in my French class, perpetually worrying about where/what is gonna be of this summer, and I also am not thrilled about the prospect of reliving the idea that I drilled my friend's car by having to go fix it. Hmmm ... maybe I do know why I was so bothered earlier this afternoon. Nah, I really don't think it was those things for some reason. There are always other factors your psychologist discovers that you never expected. This final section will be a quick lament on our poor Tigers and Spartans from the past day in sports. Better luck next time is about all I can say, it sucks. Wait no, I hate the Tigers. I hate baseball. My roommate is back and he is obsessed. Pathetic kid is calling out plays, "Strike on the outside corner, 0-1 count". I'm seriously gonna cry, or just kick his ass. How easily I forgot about the unneccesary amounts of baseball I had to suffer through in the fall, and here it comes again. On a happier note, Pistons made a 32 point turnaround on arguably the most solid team in the NBA to pull out a win last night. These guys have heart and they're for real. We've got ourselves a Central Division Championship for sure, and probably an Eastern Conference one too even if so far the numbers haven't made it official. If you get a chance to peep the jokes from last entry and have comments to add, I'd really like to hear them, cuz I think I'm gonna start taking notes on the latenight shows tonight on how it's done. That's it for now. Another update tonight I imagine. Peace+Love.

March 31st, 2003 11:30 PM

Well, there seemed to be some deeper message (unbeknownst to me) behind that little bit of sadness I touched on briefly in the last entry. This evening, I was on the phone w/my parents (this is usually when it happens, when I'm talking with my parents. They're such good people, when I get weak I go to them and just lose it. I do it too much even, and they pad me too much too, trying to comfort my falls. Thanks to open communication we've been able to determine why I'm so dependent, and we're in stages of turning ourselves into something better than we appear today) and I just about went "pull my hair out" crazy over this whole Michigan/Los Angeles summer thing. It's crazy. Don't know where I'm working/living, etc. But it's really not that big of a deal and in taking a step back, I realize that now. So, I will focus my attention to the biggest news of the night ... A few entries ago, I ran a mock latenight monologue. Now, Leno used the same NY public smoking ban news story that I did for a joke. Now I'll be damned if my bit wasn't funnier. I mean his bit about the NY public smoking ban was, "and following this piece of non-smoking legislation, is a proposed ban on urinating in the NY subways". How is that funnier than my hell freezes over bit? His bit wasn't even funny to begin with! How is this guy the #1 latenight host on TV? Every single one is better than him and so am I. Oh well, one day, when they get a suit that fits me I'll be doing that shit. Anyway, screw this journal tonight, I'm gonna go watch Leno and yell at the TV by myself like my roommate stupidly did, waking me up this afternoon when his hometown baseball team came from behind to win. Woohoo St. Louis Cardinals. I do not care, I care about Leno, Conan, Kilborn, Kimmel, Letterman and Daly.