Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve, I had the biggest argument of my relationship last evening. Most of my issues are because of my insecurity. However, that being said I feel has though I care a lot more then she does. I feel that my actions support my claim too. I give up everything that's important to me to be with her for a few minutes. She cannot even call me when she says she is going to. Never mind the fact that she is very rarely is on time for a date. I spend most of my time either waiting for her to call or for her to show up for a date. Am I just expecting too much?

The other problem I'm having is she constantly mentions other guys and no mater how much she says I love you. The fact remains the same she is always talking about other guys. I am not sure why but it always seems to be guys I cannot stand. People that I would not let my worst enemy go out with never mind someone I care this deeply for.

I think for my own sanity I am just gonna go along for the ride. In other words I will see her when I can I will fool around with her when I can but I'm not going to obsess about seeing her and being with her. If she does not want to make the commitment I am certainly not going to leave my wife and go through all the crap that goes along with that for someone who is not respectful enough to call once in awhile or show up on time for a date. Not to mention I think she is still playing the field. Who am I to complain I'm still married.

Here is another example of her not showing how much she cares. Last night I wrote her a poem. Now I have never written a poem in my life. Not to mention a poem for someone I am seeing. Even if I did a poem for someone else I would never have given it to them. Well I gave it to her today and she refused to open it in front of me. Which is something I can understand. I was putting her on the spot. I asked her to read it before she called me on her way home from work tonight. When she called she made not mention of it good or bad. What am is supposed to believe? She read it and hated it? She read it and it overwhelmed her? Maybe she read it and is still laughing at me, because I'm such a sucker?

I do care for her so very much and I hope that the feeling is the same. I cannot ignore the hard earned lessons of former relationships. I like ninety percent of other normal people have been burned in the past. Part of being burned is learning a valuable lesson. I would be a complete fool not learn from them.

I'm on my way home from dinner with my family. It was very low key and casual. The children opened presents and the adults ate. Overall a very nice Christmas Eve. I just miss the one I truly love.
Me!
?isilly.com 2003

12/23/2003
Just so everyone knows I'm having an affair. I have been cheating on my wife for the last year with someone I care very deeply for. Prior to this relationship I have had a few one night stands and one steady ?casual relationship? with someone whom I do not care for except has a friend.

Here is the scoop. I don't feel has though my wife loves or truly cares for me. She just goes through life hoping that nothing changes. She seems to be happy that someone is taking care of her and she does not have to worry about supporting herself. I don't think she truly loves me. As a mater of fact I also don't think she likes me very much either. Who could blame her.

She is very understanding and always lets me do has I please. Whether this means going out or buying something expensive and unnecessary. She does not argue with me about much if anything. Like I said she is just happy that the pressure of running the household finances falls on me and not her.

I am kind of a home body I don't drink or smoke so there is no reason for me to go out carousing. I go out to be with my girlfriend/mistress. If I was not in another relationship I would spend every night at home. Most of my time would be spent reading or writing. How can she not know that something is going on?

12/21/2003
I just got on the scale and I weight a whopping 214! This may not seem like a lot to some of you, but considering last year at this time, I weighted only 177 its a lot of weight to gain in one year. The problem is not exercise, because I exercise at least five times a week for forty five minutes or more some days, I go to the gym twice in one day. The problem is eating! I eat way to much of the things I shouldn't eat such as pizza, ice cream, and bakery items. Starting today I'm back on track! I realize that its Christmas week but I need to do this now!

12/19/2003
I know that I come off like a pompous ass but I'm not perfect either. When other managers get me down I sometimes think like screw it if they get away with it then why should I work so dam hard. The answer is I should not worry about what they are getting away with and I should concentrate on me and my carrier. Everything they get away with today will eventually catch up with them tomorrow. I just can not stop myself from getting down sometimes and staying motivated is also part of it too.

Today I went out to lunch with a friend. Well we actually did not go out to lunch we went shopping. Our plan was to do lunch but with Christmas only a week away the time was dafienetly better spent shopping for last minute items. We did get Lattes and talked a lot about our current lives. More about this friend in the future.

Work as you probably already read was not that good. My supervisor left early and no one was in house to take charge. Great! What is wrong with him/her? They just leave and no one is in charge for hours on end until I come in. I just don't get how someone can leave their job and not worry about what is going on while there out doing what ever.

12/17/2003
We waste more time, energy, and resources on not doing the right thing. I can hardly believe we have any customers left. One of our manager?s cares nothing about their job or their position and status within the company. I seemed to me that if they were terminated they would just find another job in some other similar business. There is no commitment to the company they work for and that is one of the biggest problems within the business community today. Everyone is out for himself or herself and in the shuffle the customer is the only one who suffers.

The part that gets me fired up is managers need to be better than their associates not lazier. We need to work harder; we need to do more than what is expected of us. We need to prove ourselves every single day.

The person I work with is on the phone with their significant other at least five times a day. The topic of discussion is always personal has their significant other does not work for the company. When an associate wants to use the company phone to call for a ride or just to call home to check in their request is meet with ?the pay phones are outside? oh and ?be sure you?re on your brake time?
How does anyone get any satisfaction out of going to work when this is there outlook? I personally don?t think its possible for someone to get satisfaction from doing a poor job. When I come to work, I work and my focus is on work and related matters. I can say the same thing for about ninety percent of the managers I have worked with. It?s the other ten percent that disappoint me.

The other side of the coin is who is watching the slacker? Now everyone has a boss no matter how high up you are. We all have someone to answer to. If a manager is slacking and getting away with it there boss is also slacking. Not to mention the individual associates who are smart enough to know that there boss is not paying attention and they are getting away with all kinds of good stuff. From theft of company property, company time, resources, and just doing a poor job.

I think that there has to be a better system in place to watch the person watching the candy store!

Just my opinion!

12/16/2003
So were all at the ?unofficial? company Christmas party when one of the larger ladies arrives. Now being large is not a problem because I personally like a women with a little meat on her bones. She is someone whom has very low self esteem. Lately she has been trying to loose weight and I personally think she is on the ?Snickers diet? it seems has though every time I see her she is eating a candy bar.

She arrives at at the party alone and with a sweater on that is almost to her knees.

?This sweater never used to fit me? she said. I replied ?what you used to be eight feet tall??

?No I lost weight? She said. My next question was ?what does that have to do with the fact that your sweater is hanging to your knees?? All I got was a blank stare and she walked away.

Has someone who has lost weight I can appreciate how difficult it is to loose weight. I can also appreciate how much you want people to notice your weight loss. However, when your overweight maybe you shouldn't call anymore attention to your self that absolutely needed.

Believe me most people don't notice your weight loss until you have lost about ten to twenty percent of your body weight. It is also my opinion that a lot of people will never say anything either out of shyness or jealousy.

Thats just my opinion!

12/14/2003
We finally caught Saddam. I, like most Americans hopes this means that American soldiers are coming home sooner, rather than later. Some part of me also thinks the first soldier to identified Saddam was either a complete coward for not pulling the trigger and saving the American public from a costly trial or quite possibly a better person than me and most Americas.

What can I say today was not a very good day. I had a family party that was snowed out. The snow was blowing and falling at a rate that was not conducive to traveling. Surely not conducive to traveling for a family Christmas party. Considering that I would rather chew on tin foil instead of going to the party to begin with let it snow.

I sometimes wonder is everyones family has screwed up has mine? Does everyone have an uncle that they avoid like a hornets nest? I have at least two of them. The first one we will call Uncle A. He's good for making statements that would make anyone uncomfortable. Then theres the way he looks at women. Now I don't have a problem with someone checking out a hot babe walking down the street. However, when it's one of your nephews girlfriends or wives thats a little bit too much for me. This is where the statements come in like ?wow what are you doing with him? or ?where have you been all my life? at the same time he is undressing her with his small eyes which reside behind a pair of coke bottle brown framed eye glasses. Did I mention that he is five feet nothing, bald, fat, and sixty years old. No ones family could be has screwed up has mine!