Okay today was a typical day at home. But work was a different story all together. I walked in to everything torn apart and everyone in a pissy mood. This is what happens when we get company from corporate. What confuses me is if were supposed to be perfect why doesn?t corporate give us the help to be perfect. Instead they constantly tell us to cut hours and to do more with less. I say let them see how we operate on a shoestring budget and no help. Maybe they will change their tune.

I did very well today on my diet. Now I call it a diet for lack of a better term. I just count calories in and calories out. In other words I know that I burn about 2100 calories a day just by working and sleeping. So to loose weight I just reduce my net intake to 1500 calories. When I say my net calories I mean all calories eaten minus calories burned exercising. This is has simple has it gets and it also works very well. I like the fact that I can eat anything I want and still loose weight. Okay enough for today.

?isilly.com 2004

All kinds of issues in my life. I need to loose weight. I need to stop screwing around. I need to start being more productive. I need, I need, I need. Thats what its all about now. I'm not happy about the way my life has turned out, and I've just come to the realization that only I'm to blame for that.

I'm fat! Well thats only partly true. I could loose a few pounds but I'm not obese by any standards. Here's the problem I've known this for months and trying unsuccessfully for months to get back on track. Each week I tell myself this is the week. Like I said it's only my fault no one else is to blame. I need to stop bitching and do something about it! Will this week be the week or will I fail again? It's all up to me. Failure is not an option.

Screwing around. Here's a great subject. It's not even been a month since I stopped having an affair with another woman. And I seem to not remember how that went because I'm out there looking like a dog in heat. When will I ever learn? Again it comes down to will power. I'm no different then any other man. I just need to do the wright thing. Will I?

?isilly.com 2004

For the last several years, I have been trying to get into contact with one of my ex girlfriends. When I say trying I really mean thinking about trying to contact her. I know its lame but I am a wimp and deathly afraid of rejection. It's strange because sometimes I will be walking through a store and start to think about her and I will say to myself that I need to contact her. I will run through all the options of how I could get in touch with her. I could call her parents and get her number. No thats no good, they did not like me too much. That could have something to do with the blow job in the basement fiasco. I could look her up on the net. No that did not work out. Her phone and email were unlisted. Just so ex boyfriends who she got caught blowing in her basement could not find her. Yep thats how my mind works. Maybe we will just run into each other someday. Well that actually happened about a year a ago and I did not have the balls to ask her for her number. I had the balls to have her blow me while her parents were eating dinner upstairs. However, I don't have the balls to say ?how about we get together for lunch sometime?? It is always amazing to me how outgoing a man can be to get laid. It is equally amazing to me how lazy, a man can be when the possibility of rejection is involved.

Well a few weeks ago I paid one of the online search company's less than twenty bucks to track her down. I could not believe it, according to them she still lived at her parents address. Now I know when I spoke with her last she had moved out and was doing quite well. Maybe she lost her job and needed to move back home? Maybe she was doing exceptionally well and she bought her parents home? Maybe she will give me another blow job in the basement?

So I sat down and typed a nice appropriate letter. I addressed it to her and put my return address on it and sent if off. A week goes by and nothing. Two weeks goes by and still nothing. I start to think, ah maybe she does not want the hear from me. Maybe she is married with children and happy. She could still be traumatized about the blow job incident. Then when I least expect it she calls. I almost forgot about writing the letter and waiting for her call. I was so happy to hear from her I almost pissed my pants.

We talked for about an hour. We talked about all the little things in life that have transpired over the years and a few of the big ones too. However I start to realize that she is not the person I used to know. A lot has changed in her and I'm sure a lot has changed in me too. I seemed to me that she was very jaded. It just bums me out. I remembered this cute and sexy teenager who would do anything for a laugh. Not to mention she would do it almost anywhere. She had turned into someone who is just totally negative about everything and everyone in her life.

One of my first thoughts was did I have any part in this negativity? I sure hope not. I always treated her right and she always treated me right too. So whats with the F the world attitude? I'm not sure we will get back to the trust and respect we once had but I would like to know why she went sour. Needless to say I was very disappointed in the person I found. I do have some satisfaction that she was not the greatest thing since sliced bread, and maybe I can get on with my life now. It's just good to know that not only my life is screwed up but other people are in the same boat too.

?isilly.com 2004

Busy day off. I went to visit with an old friend. By old I mean I've known her for a long time. We had a talk and I told her everything that was going on in my life. She gave me some good advice. The important thing is that I trust her unconditionally.

While we were out I noticed a lot of very nice looking women in there early thirty's and late twenty's. Would I be looking so much if my wife paid a bit more attention to me? I really don't think so. I could be wrong and I'm always open to that possibility.

My ex girlfriend I sent the letter to on New Years Eve has not called me yet. I am pretty nervous that she may never call me. Even worse she may call me and want to get together. I wonder has she thought about me for the last twelve years? Probably not but I guess it was worth a try.

?isilly.com 2004

Not much going on today. I took a day off from training. I went to work and it felt kinda weird going to work on a Saturday. Work was good no major issues, and not much to clean up from the day crew.

While at work I spoke with a Woman I used to work with in another location. Guess what? She's getting a divorce. Ya a divorce. Now we were close when we worked together, and she always said if she was not married she would hook up with me. The way she was talking tonight I think were on. She could care less that I am married. She is not my ideal woman, and I would never leave my wife for her, but she has a dynamite body, and to listen to her she knows how to use it. I can not wait until next Saturday.

?isilly.com 2004

Hey whatever. Thats what today was all about. Not much going on and not much to write about. I worked out this morning actually I crossed trained for forty five minutes. After running for the last five days I needed a day off.

Not much to say about work either. Did my usual stuff and cleaned up after the day crew. Nothing new here either. One of the guys asked me to go out for a beer after work. But I don't drink and I don't hang out with people from work. I know this sounds snobby but actually it makes life a lot easier.

?isilly.com 2004

Today is the first of the New Year. I am starting my New Year wright. My ?girlfriend? has effectively broken up with me. Now if you have been reading my blog you would know that, I'm also married.

I feel confident that she wanted to break it off several weeks ago. She just did not have the gumption to do it. What is it with women thinking they are going to put a guy over the edge because she no longer wants to be with him? I do love her but I am old enough and experienced enough to know that if someone does not want to be with you there is nothing you can do about it. If in the future this changes great. For now though I just have more free time.

Moving on. I sent a snail mail letter to an ex girlfriend the other day. She happens to be the one person that I have ever truly loved. Now I saw her about a year ago and I should have had the guts to ask her for her phone number. I am not sure what I want from her. For now I just want to catch up with her and find out whats been going on for the last ten years. God I'm nervous how is she going to react to my letter. She may even have a boy friend. We will see.

?isilly.com 2004

Christmas Day

Christmas day and I cannot get over how complacent I am about the holiday. To me its just another day off. I actually went into work for an hour today. Ya what ever.

I'm getting along a lot better with my ?girlfriend? has a matter of fact we will probably go out tonight. My wife took off to go to her family's get together. She did not even ask if I wanted to go. Not that I would want to go I certainly would not. That just goes to show you how screwed up our relationship is.

I cannot wait to go out tonight. I'm getting laid! Ya like I said, I'm just going along for the ride. To hell with all the emotional crap. If everything works out in the future great, if not well at least I had some fun. To be serious, I have to believe that she probably is thinking the same way.

By the way she did get back to me about my poem. She liked it, but I don't think she was in love with it. I also think she thought it was more humerus then heart felt.
Me!
?isilly.com 2003

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve, I had the biggest argument of my relationship last evening. Most of my issues are because of my insecurity. However, that being said I feel has though I care a lot more then she does. I feel that my actions support my claim too. I give up everything that's important to me to be with her for a few minutes. She cannot even call me when she says she is going to. Never mind the fact that she is very rarely is on time for a date. I spend most of my time either waiting for her to call or for her to show up for a date. Am I just expecting too much?

The other problem I'm having is she constantly mentions other guys and no mater how much she says I love you. The fact remains the same she is always talking about other guys. I am not sure why but it always seems to be guys I cannot stand. People that I would not let my worst enemy go out with never mind someone I care this deeply for.

I think for my own sanity I am just gonna go along for the ride. In other words I will see her when I can I will fool around with her when I can but I'm not going to obsess about seeing her and being with her. If she does not want to make the commitment I am certainly not going to leave my wife and go through all the crap that goes along with that for someone who is not respectful enough to call once in awhile or show up on time for a date. Not to mention I think she is still playing the field. Who am I to complain I'm still married.

Here is another example of her not showing how much she cares. Last night I wrote her a poem. Now I have never written a poem in my life. Not to mention a poem for someone I am seeing. Even if I did a poem for someone else I would never have given it to them. Well I gave it to her today and she refused to open it in front of me. Which is something I can understand. I was putting her on the spot. I asked her to read it before she called me on her way home from work tonight. When she called she made not mention of it good or bad. What am is supposed to believe? She read it and hated it? She read it and it overwhelmed her? Maybe she read it and is still laughing at me, because I'm such a sucker?

I do care for her so very much and I hope that the feeling is the same. I cannot ignore the hard earned lessons of former relationships. I like ninety percent of other normal people have been burned in the past. Part of being burned is learning a valuable lesson. I would be a complete fool not learn from them.

I'm on my way home from dinner with my family. It was very low key and casual. The children opened presents and the adults ate. Overall a very nice Christmas Eve. I just miss the one I truly love.
Me!
?isilly.com 2003

12/23/2003
Just so everyone knows I'm having an affair. I have been cheating on my wife for the last year with someone I care very deeply for. Prior to this relationship I have had a few one night stands and one steady ?casual relationship? with someone whom I do not care for except has a friend.

Here is the scoop. I don't feel has though my wife loves or truly cares for me. She just goes through life hoping that nothing changes. She seems to be happy that someone is taking care of her and she does not have to worry about supporting herself. I don't think she truly loves me. As a mater of fact I also don't think she likes me very much either. Who could blame her.

She is very understanding and always lets me do has I please. Whether this means going out or buying something expensive and unnecessary. She does not argue with me about much if anything. Like I said she is just happy that the pressure of running the household finances falls on me and not her.

I am kind of a home body I don't drink or smoke so there is no reason for me to go out carousing. I go out to be with my girlfriend/mistress. If I was not in another relationship I would spend every night at home. Most of my time would be spent reading or writing. How can she not know that something is going on?