Six or seven years ago, in preparation for attending a leadership conference at some big-time training center in Colorado Springs, I had to complete a number of personal inventories, assessments, and the like. I discovered that Myers-Briggs considers me to be INFJ.
One assessment tool required completion by a “superior” in the workplace, and since I am a clergy person, I turned to my then-regional minister, who graciously took the time to fill out the form. I think the idea was to gain a picture of how another person understood me, compared with my self-understanding.
I was amazed when later I saw the results. He had me nailed.
Our answers to the questions or statements were plotted on a graph somehow by those who received the data input, and the line representing my regional minister’s responses was almost perfectly parallel to mine (he rated me slightly higher than I rated myself in terms of skills, gifts, interests, areas of strength, etc.). I found this astounding, but then at that point I had known him for about twenty-five years in different capacities. He figured out my Myers-Briggs assessment, too.
I guess it’s nice to have someone, in addition to a spouse, know you so well. At least that person understands where you are coming from when you present to him or her a concern or problem with which you are struggling.
L. Gregory Jones, dean of Duke University Divinity School, reports what pastors already know – studies show high levels of loneliness and isolation among clergy. True friendships are difficult to come by in this role. Apparently, the same is true of CEO’s and others in leadership positions.
Jones writes of his experience with the online social network available through Facebook, and the pleasure it brings him when he is able to connect with others who “friend” him. But he also points out the need human beings have for intimacy that simply cannot occur through such means.
We’ve all heard lamentations regarding the breakdown of community, and of how “people don’t know their neighbors anymore.” In the past, declines in human interactions were laid to the advents of home air conditioning and television. Now, with all of our time and labor saving devices, people are working more days and longer hours, and for so many, regardless of how they spend the rest of their time, interactions with others largely are confined to time spent online.
I don’t know whether anyone else has coined the phrase, but I think of this as “silent friendship,” in which nothing ever is spoken aloud to the other person – it’s just words on a screen. It’s almost telepathic, as the thoughts of one are communicated to another, but they neither speak to nor look at each other.
L. Gregory Jones says, “We are created for relationship, and we long for support and encouragement from those who know us well…our confidants sometimes know us better than we know ourselves. They can and do check our propensity for self-deception. They challenge us, support us and encourage us to dream even when we have given up. Even when they call us to account, we are confident that they are doing so with our own best interests at heart…Loneliness becomes a spiral downward that diminishes a person's capacity to relate to others and to envision a hopeful future.”