Every girl in the nation liked romance a lot,
But the Roberta, who yearned to be British, did not!

Roberta hated romance! The whole Valentines season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be her head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that her shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, Her heart or her shoes,
She stood there on Valentines, ignoring her muse,
Staring down from her arrogant, sour, Roberta-ish frown
At the candy-filled-boxes below in the town.
For she knew every girl down in Webster beneath
Was busy now, brushing their hair and their teeth.
"And they're calling their boyfriends!" she snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Valentines! It's practically here!"
Then she growled, with her fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Valentines from coming!"
For tomorrow, she knew, pink would cover the halls,
The world would be bright! There'd be no black at all!
And then! Oh, the love! Oh, the Love! Love! Love! Love!
That's the one thing she hated! The LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!
Then the teens, girls and guys, would cuddle each other and kiss.
And they'd kiss! And they'd kiss!
And they'd KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
They would gloss up their lips, and the kissing won't cease,
Which was something Roberta couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something she liked least of all!
Every couple in Webster, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with soft music playing.
They'd stand hand in hand, and the pairs would start swaying!
They'd dance! And they'd dance! And they'd DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE!
And the more Roberta thought of the teenager's flings,
The more Roberta thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
Why, for sixteen years I've put up with it now!
I must stop Valentines from coming! But how?"

Then she got an idea! An awful idea!
Roberta got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" Roberta laughed deep in her throat.
And she made a quick pinkish-red Valentines coat.
And she chuckled, and clucked; it was so good she wept!
"With this bright pink new coat, I look just like a prep!"
"All I need is a boyfriend..." Roberta looked around.
But, since she was a bitch, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the great prat? No, Roberta simply said,
"If I can't find a boyfriend, I'll make one instead!"
So she saw her inflatable Vanyelish bloke
And knew he'd be perfect for her practical joke.
Then she threw pants and a shirt on the hot-air filled man,
And in her car put her new boyfriend Van.
Then Roberta started the car and her street she drove down
Toward the school where the preps had a dance of their own.

The pop music was playing and perfume filled the air.
All the preps were dancing in pairs without care
When she came to the lockers away from the faire,
"This is stop number one," the Roberta-git hissed,
And she jimmied the lock, rotten eggs in her fist.
Then she fit them all in, a rather tight pinch,
And laughed as the rot covered every last inch.

She only was spotted by a couple or two.
But they didn't pay heed, for they wanted to screw.
She looked in the lockers and at the marvelous sweets.
"This candy," she laughed, "is the first thing I'll eat!"
Then she crammed them all in her rucksack, with a grin most unpleasant,
Out of every girl's locker she took the chocolate presents!
Truffles! And caramels! The dark and the light!
She shoved them all in, and the fit was quite tight.
And she filled up her bags, and then the proud punk
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in her trunk!
With Van in her arms she turned back to the function:
She had one more thing in mind in the way of destruction.
All the bright decorations that covered the hall
Would soon be ripped down from their place on the wall!
And in the paper-hearts place, Roberta plotted with cheer,
Will be bold, black words stating "Love's Banished From Here!"

She laughed as she finished off the last of the sign,
When she turned and saw an ickle girl from grade nine.
Little Katie McCarthy, who was no more than fifteen,
Had been off to the loo to give her hair a quick preen.
She stared at Roberta and said "where's all the decor?"
"Why'd you take down the hearts? What's the paint for?"
But, you know, that Roberta was so smart and so slick,
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake preppy girl lied,
"There's a heart on this wall that's crumpled its side.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And her fib fooled the child. Then she turned around
And walked resolutely out of the school grounds.
And the one speck of love she left when she did part
Was a shape far too small to be known as a heart.

She went to her car and parked behind a dark screen
so she could watch the effect her scheme had on the teens.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Preps!" she was fiendishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Valentine's coming!
The dance is just ending! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the preps from the dance will all cry boo-hoo!
"That's a noise," grinned Roberta, "that I simply must hear!"
So she paused. And Roberta put her hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising, at first very low,
It was a male's voice. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
She peaked over the screen! Roberta popped her eyes!
Then she shook! What she saw was a shocking surprise!
A couple of boys with tight leather pants
began up a chorus! They started to dance!
She HADN'T stopped Valentines from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Roberta, with her Roberta heart turning ice-cold like snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without chocolate! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And she puzzled much longer, till her puzzler was sore.

Then Roberta thought of something she hadn't before!
"Maybe Valentines," she thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Valentines... perhaps... means a little bit more!"
And she watched as two boys danced, frolicked, and spun,
Singing Boy George at the top of their lungs.
One leaned in quite close and grabbed Number Two's ass
And Roberta thought, "Why! That's quite a nice pass!"
And what happened then? Well, in Prepville they say
That the Roberta's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute her heart didn't feel quite so tight,
She whizzed with her load through the bright waxing moon's light
And she brought back the candy! And the hearts from the bags!
And she, SHE HERSELF! Roberta danced with the fags!