My Favorite Mistake

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I knew from the minute we it started that he would never truly love me. He had a girlfriend—beautiful, albeit fake, the perfect trophy to rest on his arm—and I was nothing special, just an ordinary girl. Was he out of my league? Definitely, and you know what they say… amateurs playing with the majors are bound to get burned… but what a rush it all was…

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone

At the beginning, it was wonderful; he was wonderful. Staring into those deep brown eyes, I was able to forget his girlfriend and bad reputation. Once his strong arms wrapped around me, how could I think of anything else? I was falling in love, a whirlwind of kisses, flowers, and passion, and was blinded to what my brain knew was true. The more emotional one tends to win in such situations of mind versus heart…

Nothing mattered except that we were together. But that was all before it started slipping away.

Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

I couldn’t see the changes until they were right in front of me, and by then it was too late. He was gone, out of my control. I guess I really never had a claim to him; I was something he used to pass the time. What I saw in his eyes and mistook for love was lust; what I felt in my heart was undoubtedly despair.

Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

His goons watched as he toyed with my heart, some with sympathy hidden in the depths of their eyes and some with sheer amusement that I could be so stupid and he so smooth. They knew as well as I, maybe more so, that even as he held me close and kissed my lips, his mind was on another.

Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames

Oh yes, then there was Kristy, who waltzed around trying to act like “one of the guys” as her pretty face showed disgust at the mere thought of spending a night watching football or playing pool. She knew about me, had to watch from the sidelines as I had my turn, but she didn’t hate me. She was too much like me—not the everlasting girlfriend, but someone to amuse him when the sweet bimbo was busy. He thought I didn’t know, didn’t see it, but I was more watchful than he knew.

Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake

Sometimes when he dropped me off at home I would sit and think about who he was running to that moment… how many other mindless wenches he had on his chain… and I would lay down and cry. It didn’t matter that he was just using me; I still loved him…

Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

I hadn’t gone into the relationship expecting him to be my soul mate, the one I would marry… even when I began to love him, I didn’t think it would ever go that far. Sometimes I wished, but I never dared to actually believe it would happen. A ring on my finger wasn’t necessary; I just needed him.

Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong

I saw him in action, once, with another woman, and it drove me to the brink of my sanity. I was hurt immensely, but I was also angered by his actions. After all, he had made me love him. How could he act like he cared for me one minute and be with some other girl the next?

Revenge was… impossible. I tried to hurt him, even lowering myself to do exactly what he had done to me. But his eyes were blind to the men that left my house in the morning… and it was done on purpose. He simply didn’t care. I never loved them, only him, and he didn’t give a damn. I did what I should have done long before… I said goodbye.

We ran into each other a few times after our trysts had come to an end, but we never spoke. He would glance at me, as if trying to see if I was in fact the person that he thought I was, and I would try to bravely meet his chocolate gaze. Was there pain in his eyes? Perhaps, or perhaps I was just seeing what I wanted to see again… either way, it doesn’t matter. I hope I never see him again, but no amount of self-control or determination could ever make me forget him.

*Song by Sheryl Crow*

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