THE RAPE

I turned as I heard the phone ring. I had already drank two screwdriver. My mind on tipsy I made it to the phone.

I smiled. It was Kos. At the time he was visiting a good friend in Tennessee. He asked what I was up. I told him that I was on my way to Bacchus House for its Thursday night Wet Underwear and excellent 1 dollar well drinks. He didn't sound happy.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yes," he said unconvincingly.

"Cuz if you want to talk we can," I said.

"I'm fine," he replied. "Just tired."

"Are you sure? Cuz if you don't want me to go out I won't. Just say the word. I won't be mad."

I know that Kos had his insecurities. Most gay guys in their first relationship do. He didn't like the fact I went out alone. I usually was fine with it.

To this day...I wish he had said no.

He did not.

NO GOOD DEED...

It was routine really. Usually every time I went out and got drunk, the 24 hour Mexican Shop could expect me to show up and ask for either a fish or adobado burrito.

As I walked with the newly-bought incense in my hands, I had every intention of doing that. The club had been crazy. Techno beats rocked through my head.

The guy jumped out at me taking me by surprise. I nodded and headed on. He mumbled something. My ears caught it and turned. the guy walked toward me.

His name was Alex. Hispanic buff. Stumbled and dark-haired, he had a look in his eyes that screamed drunk. While he seem like a harmless drunk, a person could never be too sure. I stood and managed a smile as Alex slurred about having a fight with his girlfriend. Whatever the case had been, she kicked him out. He had to walk home all alone.

"Well," I managed, "good luck on that." Buffyspeak released, I turned to go get my burrito.

"Hey! Wait!" Alex exclaimed.

"Huh?" I managed.

"Could you walk with me?"

I frowned. "Uh..."

"I don't stay far."

I still frowned. Then I shrugged my shoulders. There had been too many times back in Arkansas when I've had to walk or take care of drunken guys leaving the club. There had been many times when I've been the drunken guy taken care of. So this...was not too unusual to me.

"Sure," I said.

---

Ten minutes later, I laid on the sidewalk. Alex had freaked out over carlights passing us by. Apparently, Alex was just released from the military and had the flashbacks to prove. His hand was on my back as my stomach was against the cold concrete. I felt uncomfortable with someone's big hand on my back. I also worried about the elastic black muscle shirt I had since it was Kos. I did not want it dirtied.

Every time I tried to get up, the hand pushed me down hard. I told Alex they were only carlights and to calm down. Alex looked like he was off in his own world, making me realize that maybe he was on drugs.

"Okay," Alex finally said, "it's okay." Then he shot up like everything was normal. He pulled me up and we kept walking.

"So is it much farther?" I asked, praying it was close so I could go get my burrito.

"Yea, yea," Alex replied.

A few minutes later, Alex did an abrupt right turn. I saw doors and I was happy...until I realized he was at the magnetic door of a business building. I knew it well since I passed by it on my way to parties. Alex pulled at the door oblivious.

"Hey!" I said. "This is a business building."

"I live here, man," Alex said.

"Uh...you can't live here...cuz it's a BUSINESS BUILDING."

Alex continued to pull at the door. I continued to play the reason care. In this case, if he did not stop and police came by, he would get arrested. My reason fell on deaf ears.

So I grabbed at Alex. He jumped away from the door. I reached for him, seeing a couple walk by. I did a gesture showing that my 'friend' was drunk.

Alex backed into a wall. I reached for his face so he could focus on me, and hear what I was saying.

"I'm not gay!" Alex exclaimed. "I have a girlfriend."

I narrowed my eyes. "Okay. Look. Let's make one thing clear: I'm not having sex with you. I love my boyfriend. You have a girlfriend. You asked me to walk you home. THIS...is not your home. We need to leave before--"

Alex broke away from me. Before I could stop him, Alex grabbed at the magnetic door. He pulled. It snapped open, and he ran in.

I should have left then.

I should have turned and never came back.

All I thought was that you don't leave drunken friends hanging. So without much thought...I ran in.

SHATTERED BEAUTY

It was a three-story building. A motorcycle and one car was in the gated parking. Alex took it all in and ran all over the place. I ran after him, trying to get him to leave. He treated me like a mosquito in his ear.

Finally...hours later and on the 2nd floor...I had it.

"Okay," I said. "Do whatever. There's a burrito with my name on it. So I'm leaving."

I moved to the door. Alex was there like lightning. He grabbed me and dragged me to a wall away from the door.

"You're not leaving," Alex said.

"Oh, yes," I said, struggling. "I am."

That's when his hands wrapped around my throat.

"What the--," I managed.

"If you leave, I'll kill you," Alex said. "I will fucking kill you. You hear me."

"Get off--"

I managed to shove him away from me. I ran for the elevator again. He made it first and knocked me away from it.

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"You're not leaving," Alex said.

I felt fear, anger, and confusion run through my mind. My breath quickened. My eyes looked for exits. Alex's body blocked them all.

"What do you want?" I said, using the only weapon I had at the moment: reverse psychology. "I can only think of one reason a guy that's straight would keep a gay guy here. So...if it'll get me out of here, fine! I'll suck your dick. Then will you let me go?"

"I'm not--"

"Then why am I here? Can I leave and get my bur--"

"No."

"Then--"

Alex ran at me. He grabbed me, pushed the elevator button, and watched the door open. He threw me in.

Another hour passed. I saw offices. I sat in stairwells listening to him ramble. The whole time the only exit I had seen to outside was on the first floor...through the door we had walked through.

Some more time passed. On the third floor, my fear and confusion subsided. Anger rose to the surface. He dragged me to an emergency exit door. All I wanted was a burrito. And as my friends know, my anger was a force of nature.

"That's it!" I exploded. "I'm leaving!"

Alex grabbed me and pushed me into a wall. He looked at me like a crazed man. I didn't care as I glared at him. I wanted to get out of there.

"We been at this for hours," I said. "Is this what you want? Huh?" I grabbed him. I pulled him closer. "Huh? Is this--"

I kissed him. He knocked me into a wall, knocking the wind out of me. He yelled in Spanish like a madman and stormed away. I looked around quickly. No exits that wouldn't set off an alarm...what would the police think if I ran out the emergency door? Except....the one door on the first floor. I would have to run past him.

Before I could do that, Alex stormed back down the hall. He grabbed me and dragged me down the hall. We made it into the offices and he stormed with me into a stairwell.

And...that's when it happened.

Alex tore off his buttoned blue-stripped shirt, reveal his upper tattooed body. Before I could stop him, he grabbed me by the throat and knocked my head into the concrete wall repeatedly.

It felt like forever. Before I knew what happened he had my face in his crotch. He dragged us to the floor. He unzipped, dragging his semi-erect uncut dick across my lips. He said if I did not get him off that he would break my neck.

It felt like forever. Images that were etched into my head. His mouth open, spit flying out. Spanish littered the stairwell as he yelled out how he was some messiah and this was part of his plan. He was Alex. And his seed would be spent.

I sucked his dick into my mouth. It went limp, then hard, then limp. My eyes watered as he shoved it into my mouth, causing me to gag. Tears fought to pop out of my eyes. They came out when he demanded I pinched his nipples. I cried as he forced me to suck his nipples, his ever-present hand at the back of my neck. He kissed me, tonguing into my mouth like a drooling dog.

Then he grabbed me and knocked my head into the concrete some more. That was followed by him throwing me halfway down a flight of stairs. Then he grabbed at my black jeans, trying to tear off the button and drag them down so he could stick his dick in me on the stair. I cried more, sobbed, screamed, fought.

Then...he ran off, screaming Spanish. I was left in a husk across the stairs, shirt dirtied and head bleeding in a state of shock. I thought how happy I was that my mother bought me pants that was ALWAYS a size or two too small which no matter what would not come off. My body shook as I realized that I needed to move before he came back. I flinched as I realized that he was on the first floor with the only exit out. I could hear him screaming and kicking the walls. I could sense that I was about to go into catatonic shock.

"Hello," James said on the other end of my cellphone.

I called James. At that moment, I just needed to get out of there. I couldn't do that if I was in so much shock that I couldn't move. When I heard Alex run back upstairs, I ran out the stairwell door on the first floor. From there, I ran out the door.

James told me to call the police. In my shocked condition, I...admit I wasn't thinking right. Questions shot through my mind. What if I call the police and they told my sister? What if my sister asked questions and then I would have to tell her that I was gay? What if I was in trouble for going into the building? What if Alex came after me? How would people look at me for letting a guy do that to me? I ignored James and tried to act like I was fine.

The Mexican workers looked at me.

"What!" I exploded.

"Are you--," the worker started.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," I said. "All I want is a fucking burrito!"

However...fine...was far away from me. And the person that stood before that worker...was a person in shattered pieces.

AFTERMATH

I sat on the couch, trying to listen to my sister. She had bought my story of being so drunk that I fell and my forehead hit the concrete. The more she talked however, the more I felt like a lie. I wanted to yell at her for talking about a trivial thing like a concert or whatever it was...when last night...I had been...

I walked out the door Unbathed. In a daze. Almost got hit by a car...twice. My mind could not accept that me...a guy...had been sexually...

My feet wandered around. I eventually found myself outside the business building. It looked so normal like nothing happened.

But something had.

---

I laid in my robe on the bed. I laid in the dark, my arms holding me together. Images ran through my head from last night, causing me to flinch.

---

I looked over at the police station. It was right across from my apartment. I could easily walk over there and report what happened.

'Where's your evidence?'

'Why did you go into the building?'

'Were you wanting him to come onto you?'

They felt like questions from a Lifetime movie. Now they were all about me in real life. James...and an operator at a 1-800 crisis center told me that.

I...could handle it. I was strong. And I didn't need trouble.

I shut my blinds, laid on the bed, and stared at the ceiling.

Would I ever feel normal again?

---

It felt like every male eye was on me as I tried to make my baggy clothes look very baggy. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I didn't want a straight man to grab me and...I shook the thought away. Everything was normal. Nothing happened.

That idea fell apart when I had an aggressive customer. He was big, buff, and really looked like Alex. He brought his body all in my space, causing me to freak out. I ran to the back, went to the bathroom, and cried.

So...no way it was going back to normal.

---

I looked over at the counselor. She had long, dark hair, a pleasant voice, and looked kind. She asked questions from her clipboard.

I've been searching for it for two weeks. Even now, my body shook as she asked me the questions. She said it wasn't my fault. That no one should have to go through what I went through. She would put me on a waiting list so I could get some help from a therapist.

Hopefully, I could accept what happened...and move on. A question kept coming to mind when I finally got to my first session. Would I ever feel the same again?

Would I ever feel...normal?

Diego



 

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