Number Twenty: Death by Open Heart Surgery
Being trampled to death by an angry mob of your fans is embarrassing (I should know, lol). And painful. But let’s face it, that isn’t painful enough, is it? And Logan was brooding on that murderous rage caused by Jubilee (see my fic “Logan Returns”). And also wondering why he’d only had one shot at murdering Scott.
Anyway, to cut what I can’t seem to make a long story short, let’s just cut to the part where Cyke is lying on the operating table.
“Are you sure this is necessary?” Cyclops whimpered, staring up at Logan.
“Nope,” he replied. “This is...” Scary music sounded and thunder clapped. “Unnecessary surgery!”
You may remember Unnecessary Surgery Land from Itchy and Scratchy Land, of... some episode of The Simpsons. Also, I’d like there to be a Hospital expansion pack for Sims so you could do Unnecessary Surgery... oh, I am insane...
“Unnecessary surgery?” Cyclops asked nervously. “Then why...?”
“’Cause I wanna hurt you, that’s why,” said Logan. “Now this WILL hurt quite a lot...”
Scott cowered on the table as a familiar “snickt” sound alerted him to the fact that Logan planned to do surgery with his claws.
“Be nice,” begged Scott, “this is my first major operation.”
“Oh, what a coincidence,” Logan said, “Mine too.” He dragged his claws down the side of the table. “Yeah, sharp enough,” he muttered. He raised his hand up and then dragged all three claws down Cyclops’s chest.
Cyclops gave a girly high-pitched scream.
“Hmm... perhaps one slit would have done,” Logan mused to himself. “Too late now though.” He stared at the three gaping holes in his teammate’s chest. “Right, I wonder what I do now?” He picked up a book sitting on the table. It was entitled, “Open Heart Surgery for Dummies”.
“Oh, you’re supposed to do it while the patient is under an anaesthetic,” Logan said. “Well, too late for that now. Have to continue without. What’s next?” He skipped a few pages. “Well... what type of surgery? I don’t know, I just wanted to cause pain. Perhaps if I fiddle here... tie up these bits here...” He used his free hand to start reorganising Cyclops’s internal organs. “Ooh, what’s this?” he pointed to something that looked like a great big bag of fat that appeared to be beating. “Oh right, that’s his heart.”
Cyclops gave a great moan of pain.
“So if I just put his heart over here... whatever this is here... and now... what do I do afterwards?” He squinted at the page. “Sew the patient up. I can’t sew! I could get Jean or Ororo or some woman to do it... nah, they’d give me a whole ‘Unqualified Doctor’ lecture. So I guess I better just bandage him up and get rid of him.”
And so Logan wrapped bandages around and around Scott’s stomach. He looked back at his handiwork and rubbed his hands together in a pleased way. “You can go now,” he suggested.
Scott got up and walked halfway to the door, where he collapsed and fell over, dead.
“Perhaps,” Logan held up what appeared to be a lung, “I should have put this back first.”
Next death
