:: 5/2/2003 ::

Well, today I went to my psychologist appointment with Dr. Knapp. She told me I should start keeping a journal so.. here I am. I'm completely exhausted. I didn't sleep at all last night then I went early this morning to my appointment and Dr. Knapp forgot about me! Well, she forgot she had an appt. Waited forever out in the waiting room freaking out for more about 30 mins. Watching as everyone came in the door and got called back.. and wishing she would hurry up and come get me before more people came. My mom was there though so I felt a little more relaxed than I would have been otherwise. Let my mom read what I wrote awhile back out in the lobby.. not sure exactly how she felt about it. Anyways, Dr. Knapp finally showed up and I went in.. talked about some stuff.. she made me read what I wrote out loud to her.. that was fucking hard as hell.. I felt like crying as I said it.. Not exactly sure why. She wants me to make pictures of myself at ages.. 5, 10, 16, and 25.. I don't even have an idea of what to make the one where I'm 25 about.. when she said that.. the only thing that flashed in my mind was me in a coffin. I don't want that now.. I don't think.. but that's what I saw.. Doing these other pictures.. is going to be hard.. I don't remember how I felt when I was 5.. I'm sure I was unhappy since that was only a year after my mom and dad split up. Guess I could do something on that. After my appointment we went over to see my G-parents. For some odd reason my G-pa decided he need a pair of pants.. I decided I'd go with them to Wal-Mart.. big mistake. It was crowded as hell.. pay day and all the fucking soldiers were there. I ended up having a panic attack. Doubt I'll be agreeing to do that again anytime soon.
:: 4:36 PM ::
...

Today was rather uneventful. I slept till 2pm then got up and mom was home. I was suprised. She's never home lately but G-ma decided to let her have the day off. I vacuumed for her and we talked a little bit. Earlier tonight though.. I don't know what happened but I felt horrible.. felt like bashing my head in. I was so pissed off and I didn't even know what I was pissed off about. Every tiny little thing was setting me off. I don't know how to deal with how I feel when shit like that happens.. whether it be I'm pissed or depressed.. or whatever. I feel like I need a release and I can't seem to find one. Guess I'll try writing about it next time it happens. For some reason last night maybe cause I was angry.. while I was laying in bed I got out my razor and cut on my leg a bit... Nothing too deep but it bled well. Heh. Dr. Knapp asked me.. how I feel when I do it.. I guess it does make me feel alive.. it doesn't hurt though.. but something about seeing the blood.. I actually enjoy the way it feels as I drag it across my skin. But I've decided I'd take her advice and try to write instead of cut. I've never really kept a journal before.. so really all I feel as if I'm doing is rambling. I'm trying to do those pictures.. I've got some ideas for them but I can't figure out how I want to do it. For the 5 year old one.. I was thinking.. something about the divorce.. maybe me in the middle and my mom and dad on each side.. but like torn apart.. like a torn picture.. and then the 10 year old one.. I was thinking.. maybe a split personality type thing. Because of me having to go back and forth from my mom's and dad's. Had to be two different people. I'm not exactly sure about the 16 year old or the 25 year old one. So, I have the present me.. I'm going to go work on the others now.

FIVE YEARS OLD:

TEN YEARS OLD:

PRESENT:

:: 3:16 AM ::
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