Blonde Jokes

There was a blonde and she just got a new car. She was driving down the highway when she drove infront of a truck and ran it off the road. The truck driver got out of the car and drew a circle on the ground and told the blonde to stand in it and don't move. He got out a knife and cut all the new leather seats out of the car. The blonde was laughing. Then he got out a baseball bat and smashed in all the windows. The blonde was laughing even harder. He got a knife and cut all the tires. The blonde was laughing histarically now. The truck driver said, "I just destoyed your car, why the heck are you laughing??". The blonde replied, " Everytime you weren't looking, I stepped out the circle!"

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
     Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
     "The sucker called again!"

One day a few blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
     The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
     Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
     The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV,  it's a microwave."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."

One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.
     Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
     The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
     The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
     Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
     Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
     The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
     The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
     "Comfortable?" the guy questions.
     "Yes, you see she reads slow."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
      The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
      A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
      "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
      This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
      The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
      In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
      Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
     The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

After leaving a store, a blonde walked out and went up to a soda machine. The blonde put in 50 cents and out popped a coke. She searched her bag for more money. She found some and kept feeding the machine money. Cokes and Sprite and Mountain Dew bottles began rolling down the street.
      A young man walked up behind her and watched this for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Can I get one now?"
      She whizzed around and yelled, "No way, can't you see I'm winning?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing in front of the Mirror of Truth. It sucks up and kills anyone who tells a lie in front of it. So the brunette says, "I'm the smartest person in the world." She gets sucked up and dies.The redhead says,"I've got the most curly hair," and she gets sucked up and dies also. The blonde says,"I think....." and she gets sucked up and dies.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
      Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows... "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
      Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
      The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
      When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
      Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together....the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
      The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
      When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
      The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
      One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Once a blonde decided to go ice fishing. She grabbed all her equipment and put on her fishing outfit.. She walked out onto the icy surface and found a good spot. She took a knife and made a large circle in the ice with it.
     "NO! Not there! You will find no fish!" a booming voice announced out of nowhere. So the blonde moved a few feet away and made another circle.      "NO!! Not there either!!" The voice boomed again. The blonde moved a third time, making another circle on the ice.
     "I said, NO!! There is no fish there!!" The voice boomed again.
     "Is that you, God?" The blonde called out.
     "NO!!" The voice boomed. "It's the manager of the ice rink!!"

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell - she's got a grenade in her mouth!

A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away.
     Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away.
     Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
     Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."
     So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
     The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Q. Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the W's.