faith
faith is one of those words,
that if associated with religion,
pisses me off.
but when associated with other things,
intrigues me.
what the word faith represents,
is broad and heavy,
intense and unforgiving.
strength builds it, while weakness destroys it.
it is hard to explain the idea of faith in me right now,
because i seem to have lost it,
my weakness i guess, has destroyed it,
the fragility of the relationship set me up i say.
her lack of foresight set me up i say.
her lack of insight set me up i say.
thats what i say.
but they are all excuses.
since in the end, it is simply my weakness that was the cause,
the cause of my demise,
the cause of my destruction of what i call faith.

"in the end, we are all immortal"

I broke my hand
during a bar fight.
now typing is a biatch.
i don't usually fight,
feel like i lost my mind,
for five or so minutes.
doesnt help though,
that it was my birthday,
and everybody was trying to get me to hurl,
with all those drinks,
atleast thats how i felt.
breaking my hand,
is probably a good indication,
that i dont fight very often,
or at all.
but atleast it wasnt my face,
that got a fist broken on...

last nite
i had all deez funny dreams.
with all deez funny people.

people from my past.
people i thought i forgot.
people who i dont remember.
its funny what alot of sleep can do to your brain.
some of em were from my highschool.
what are they doing there?
but as usual, my brain is somewhat predictable.
since i saw the usual rachel.
this time though, i was convinced that i was not sleeping.
weird. my brain tricked me real good.
there was this list of things that i had to do.
not literally a list, like some kind of written list, but just a figurative list of crap to do.
i woke up with this same feeling.
i think i may have been in a pool with all these people from my past.
swimming in it like we used to do back in elementary school.
during the summer.
at someone's house.
i ignored rachel and acted like she didnt exist.
too proud i am. even in my dreams. stoopid.
then i woke up. and like i said, with this list of crap to do.
i realized after a moment of panic that i really didnt have anything to do except the normal crap.
like bills and shtuff.
normal in terms of a nine to five, five days a week boredom.
still, my brain did trick me real good...

TEBOEL
teee booooel.
the exagerated beauty of entities lost.
whether it is innocence,
or objects,
or life,
or love,
or soul,
or anything
that you want to call an entity.
just a simple statement on the exagerated beauty,
of things that seem to slip through our fingers,
and through the cracks that we call our everyday lives.
seems that these lost entities somehow develop a beauty with the passing of time.
a different type of beauty.
one that is exagerated.
one that is beautiful because of the loss.
exagerated because of the loss.

peebee bee'n gee
thursday night,
heading to pee bee bee n gee,
walk is a bit crook ed,
wait the line with the smirk,
the smirk of the crook ed bunch,
once in, its all a blur,
and once out, its still a blur,
and still the crook ed walk,
to the car we go,
and somehow we are home,
dodging the road which seems to swerve in our direction,
dodging left, then right, then home we find,
this is where the fun begins,
with more of the crook ed smirk,
one by one we fall,
some by liquid,
some by air,
occasionaly one creates the exodus,
in which we all point with laughter,
oh what fun.

last night i had this dream
where i was kissing this beautiful woman.
someone so beautiful that i did not want it to end.
but for some reason or another i just woke up.
and could not remember what she looked like.
now what was all that about?

step into liquid
so last night, i took a bong hit and headed for the movies.
step into liquid was the name of the film.
about surfing and the love.
interesting experience to go on a date with yourself.
somewhat relaxing and enlighting at the same time.
i am not sure if many others will get the same joy i received from watching this film.
it was awesome to say the least.

so now it is thursday.
thursdays seem to be good days for me.
probably since i work full time and thursdays are so close to fridays.
i get paid on every other friday.
so this is what happens when you join the work force.
you are forced to see things in terms of weeks. or more like weekends.
not many people, i feel, think about things past the weekend.
it is inevitable when working full time. it is tiresome.
and looking forward to weekends is what happens. just happens.
till someday you realize that the grand aspiration and dreams you had have somewhat been pushed back due to the weekend.
short term goals have replaced those dreams of fixing the world.
only those who are not intelligent enough become enthralled by the weekend. joy in life becomes the weekend.
those others who have too much to think about become anguished to the point of torture.
not a claim about two types of people in this world.
just some possible pathways people may fall into.
and then we have the do-ers.
yeah.

blabber
this whole blog thing has turned out to be better than i had originally expected.
i mean, i just blabber without previous thought or concern.
blabber blabber blabber.

my recent days
consist of being annoyed by the short comings of the one.
the one may be an illusion.
that i have created to lose focus of the lost one.
or more importantly, the cause of loss, the short comings that caused the loss...
of myself.
i continually lose the identity of i, day by day.
all while attempting to gain it back.
some how i find myself finding ways to dilute my visions of the past.
and to focus on the delusional aspect that i call agnes.
a hope, a wish, an illusion.
from years past.

my recent days
consist of being annoyed by the short comings of the one.
the one may be an illusion.
that i have created to lose focus of the lost one.
or more importantly, the cause of loss, the short comings that caused the loss...
of myself.
i continually lose the identity of i, day by day.
all while attempting to gain it back.
some how i find myself finding ways to dilute my visions of the past.
and to focus on the delusional aspect that i call agnes.
a hope, a wish, an illusion.
from years past.