| Monday, September 4, 2006 I hate this. I really, really wish that I could just eat like a normal person, just BE a normal person. And today, I tried. But all day I was screaming at myself to stop being a fatass, put the damn fork down, what the hell are you thinking? I thought that this was something I could control. Now I see that it's not. Anyone who doesn't have an ED could not get this. Looking in the mirror and hating what you see and hating yourself for making you look like this. I think I spent an hour today just poking my fat and wishing I could kill myself. I cut myself today, hoping to lose enough blood to lose a pound. This has gotten so far out of my control. I can't even see my old self in me anymore. I feel like I have to cut out friends who eat normally. Thank god for K. If I didn't have a friend with an ED I would die. |
| Tuesday, September 5, 2006 So, I was on my myspace this morning, and I came across this in a bulliten... i'm so sick of this. i dont care anymore. if i'm sick i'm sick. everythings just falling apart. im a emtional wreck. i want my antidepressants updosed but no i'm "too thin" && it'll intoxicate me if he updoses it. my boyfriend hasnt called me since the night i almost passed out. i went out to dinner last night felt so much better but woke up this morning a fat fuck. 99 pounds what the fuck. i dont wanna be this heavy. i betcha its cause i didnt really take my regular dose of diet pills and stuff yeserday. today im taking more i dont care. im going to the doctor. i just wanna crawl up & go back to sleep. im not in a good mood ): And it just seems to fit so well with what I've been thinking about. It will be included in my quotes and poetry page as well, but I just wanted to make sure that it got read (if anyone actually reads this!!!) It seems like the happier I become with my weight and everything else that is going on with me, the more estranged I get from friends and family, and the more lies I have to tell. The thing that keeps running through my mind is, will I ever be really and truly happy again? Go to my main page |
