Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

So, I'm super worried about tomorrow. I have to get my sports physical, which, of course, means weighing yourself. I know they are going to ask me what's going on, because I've lost around 13 lbs since the last time I was there. I guess I can just blame it on the cross country.
So, today, I guess I am basically trying to avoid everybody. I don't want to do anything, don't want to see anybody, and I don't know why. I volunteered to watch E for A today, just because she actually has a life, and I don't mind sitting at home watching my baby sister. The only person I really want to see today is K, and she is busy working on her AP English reading. What I should be doing is working on my AP History thing... but I guess we all know thats not about to happen!

The only good thing about mom being out of town is dad doesn't really notice what I eat for dinner, doesn't grill me about what I eat during the day... it makes it a lot easier.

A thought crossed my mind today. So much of our daily lives revolve around food. Not even talking about people with ED's... everybodies lives. I think that is one reason why it is so hard for people with ED's to keep it a secret- almost every aspect of our lives has something to do with food.

I have NO self control. I went downstairs with the baby, opened the cupboard, and there, sitting innocently next to the baby food- a Toblerone or however you spell it candy bar. So I ate a piece of it. WTF? I hate that I can't resist chocolate. Everything else, I'm like, I'm not really that hungry, maybe just a grape or some celery instead, but w/ chocolate, it's like a drug. Like an addiction. Well, I just won't eat tomorrow. That will be perfect.

And now- how quick thinking saved my ass!

My dad gets home, and he whips out this package of Stouffers enchilada things- MY FAVORITE. I know if he made those, I'd eat them. 310 cals per enchilada. My thought process- OH FUCK! So I quickly say, "Dad, there's only two of us tonight- let's make those some other night and just do leftovers." First, he says that we will just eat those tomorrow too, but he just called me and said to put them back in the freezer, we will go out. Which means I can just get a salad! WUNDERBAR!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

1. Can I actually finish?
2. Will anyone else go to this practice, or will it just be me, and everyone else actually goes to the practice later on today?

Just got back from the physical... X-Country actually wasn't bad. I'm not in the greatest shape, but I ran the 3K in 17:26- fasted JV girl. It was nice! Then I went to the physical. When she was weighing me, she got a LOOK on her face, but she didn't say anything, and I passed it no problem, so that's actually okay. I hate physicals. It's like, someone talking to you about your body and sex and your period and all this stuff that you really don't want to share with a doctor that you see once every two years, stuff that you don't feel comfortable sharing with your best friend sometimes. And then this weird chick rubs your stomach and your legs and your boobs and I don't even know. GROSS GROSS GROSS. But I did pass. So now I can do X-Country. Wonderful. I'm trying to lose 5 more pounds at least by the time school starts, my ultimate goal is by monday. We'll see!!!
Now it's time for Nadia to go fill out job applications. blah.

Much much later...

So I just got back from my second X-Country practice of the day. I felt like I had been lazy and eaten a lot, so I decided to go run the 3K again. I shaved 2 minutes off! I went from 17:26 to 15:20. OMG!!!! I feel sooooo good. I'm on such an adrenaline high.
It's odd, but I loved the attention my coach was giving me. I'm such an attention whore. He was talking about how I had the "perfect" work-out earlier to my entire team, and how they should strive to do what I was doing- I shaved about ten seconds off each lap- and I could just feel my head swelling the more he talked. It felt soooo good, so I decided I wanted to do it again. And I did- but even faster. And the very best part is (note the attention-whore-i-ness here) that halfway through the 3K, my HEAD coach showed up, which means he saw me run both times, which means even MORE attention. I'm an anorexic attention whore. It makes me laugh SOOOO hard. Good lord, I am so high on adrenaline. But wow. I heart endorphins. They make me feel good.