Real-life team batting -- 2007 Absurdville Madness
Regular season
| Primary |
| S | Name | P | AVG | OBP | SPC | G | AB | H | 2B | 3B | HR | R | RBI | BB | K | HBP | IW | SB | CS |
| | Wills# | ss | .299 | .348 | .373 | 165 | 695 | 208 | 13 | 10 | 6 | 130 | 48 | 51 | 57 | 2 | 1 | 104 | 13 |
| | Klein* | rf | .348 | .401 | .646 | 154 | 650 | 226 | 50 | 15 | 38 | 152 | 137 | 60 | 49 | 1 | 7 | 20 | 10 |
| | Coleman# | lf | .289 | .363 | .358 | 151 | 623 | 180 | 14 | 10 | 3 | 121 | 43 | 70 | 126 | 3 | 0 | 109 | 22 |
| | Cuyler | rf | .357 | .420 | .598 | 153 | 617 | 220 | 43 | 26 | 18 | 144 | 102 | 58 | 56 | 13 | 6 | 41 | 13 |
| | Sandberg | 2b | .305 | .364 | .488 | 153 | 609 | 186 | 21 | 6 | 26 | 113 | 83 | 57 | 97 | 1 | 5 | 54 | 11 |
| | Waner* | rf | .370 | .443 | .547 | 152 | 602 | 223 | 50 | 19 | 6 | 142 | 86 | 77 | 16 | 5 | 8 | 6 | 2 |
| | IRodriguez | c | .332 | .357 | .558 | 144 | 600 | 199 | 29 | 1 | 35 | 116 | 113 | 24 | 64 | 2 | 2 | 25 | 12 |
| | CCrawford* | lf | .305 | .348 | .482 | 151 | 600 | 183 | 20 | 16 | 18 | 89 | 77 | 37 | 85 | 4 | 3 | 58 | 9 |
| | KWilliams* | lf | .332 | .410 | .627 | 153 | 585 | 194 | 34 | 11 | 39 | 128 | 155 | 74 | 31 | 7 | 8 | 37 | 20 |
| | Anderson* | cf | .297 | .396 | .637 | 149 | 579 | 172 | 37 | 5 | 50 | 117 | 110 | 76 | 106 | 22 | 1 | 21 | 8 |
| | Kluszewski* | 1b | .326 | .407 | .642 | 149 | 573 | 187 | 28 | 3 | 49 | 104 | 141 | 78 | 35 | 3 | 9 | 0 | 2 |
| | Murray# | 1b | .316 | .391 | .549 | 151 | 550 | 174 | 30 | 1 | 32 | 87 | 110 | 70 | 82 | 1 | 18 | 7 | 2 |
| | Caminiti# | 3b | .326 | .408 | .621 | 146 | 546 | 178 | 37 | 2 | 40 | 109 | 130 | 78 | 99 | 4 | 16 | 11 | 5 |
| | Castillo# | 2b | .334 | .418 | .388 | 136 | 539 | 180 | 17 | 3 | 2 | 101 | 17 | 78 | 86 | 0 | 0 | 62 | 22 |
| | Kendall | c | .327 | .411 | .473 | 149 | 535 | 175 | 36 | 3 | 12 | 95 | 75 | 51 | 51 | 31 | 3 | 26 | 5 |
| | Larkin | ss | .298 | .410 | .567 | 152 | 517 | 154 | 32 | 4 | 33 | 117 | 89 | 96 | 52 | 7 | 3 | 36 | 10 |
| | EMartinez | dh | .356 | .479 | .628 | 145 | 511 | 182 | 52 | 0 | 29 | 121 | 113 | 116 | 87 | 8 | 19 | 4 | 3 |
| | Henderson | lf | .325 | .439 | .577 | 136 | 489 | 159 | 33 | 3 | 28 | 119 | 61 | 97 | 60 | 4 | 2 | 65 | 10 |
| | Molitor | 3b | .353 | .438 | .566 | 118 | 465 | 164 | 41 | 5 | 16 | 114 | 75 | 69 | 67 | 2 | 2 | 45 | 10 |
|   | Pitchers |   | .166 | .196 | .234 | 0 | 205 | 34 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 16 | 21 | 8 | 81 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
|   | Total |   | .323 | .398 | .535 | 0 | 11090 | 3578 | 621 | 145 | 482 | 2235 | 1786 | 1325 | 1387 | 120 | 114 | 731 | 189 |