It was seven o’clock on a Saturday night, and by some miracle Duo had been invited to a formal dinner party at Relena’s house. Duo looked over at his clock and cursed. He was going to be late.
<<The primary rule of table manners is to do nothing, ever, that may be unpleasant to others>>
Duo raced in the door and was greeted by dozens of shocked stares. As he entered he tossed his coat at Pagan and stopped in the doorway. He leaned over and panted as he tried to catch his breath. He paid no attention to the people who were staring at him, completely appalled. At the other side of the room, Relena groaned and dropped her face into her hands.
Duo looked up finally and into the faces of the people standing there. "Oh shit, hey everybody!"
Relena fell down anime style with a big sweatdrop.
<<Place small cookies and sandwiches on your plate or saucer before eating- don’t take directly from the serving plate to your mouth>>
Before the actual dinner there was a time to mingle and talk with the other guests. Duo headed immediately headed for the buffet table where there were appetizers set up. He grabbed a handful of them and began to eagerly shove them into his mouth. Relena looked at him with disapproval; but he had no idea why.
<<Everyone should come to the table at the same time and appropriately dressed>>
Just before dinner started, Duo had excused himself to go o the bathroom. As everyone else sat at the table Duo was still up there.
The others sat down impatiently and waited for him to arrive.
It was twenty minutes before the Deathscythe pilot had returned.
"Sorry I’m late," He grinned sheepishly. He rubbed his wet hands on his jeans and sat down in the seat next to a fat woman. The fat woman stared at him, and he winked and she looked away.
<<Pass food to others. Don’t help yourself>>
The servers came with trays of food and they started to pass it around. Duo looked at the food and waited impatiently until the food had been placed on the table. He immediately lunged at the closest thing to him, grabbing the handle of the serving spoon out of the reach of the old man with a huge nose sitting across from him. The Snout stared wide-eyes as Duo shoveled food onto his plate.
<<Pass jugs to the person receiving them with the handle towards them, away from you>>
"Pass that, will you please, young man?" The fat woman asked of Duo as they continued to serve the food. Duo nodded and grabbed the handle of the jug and passed it to the fat woman. She made a grab for it, and Duo let go too soon. The drink spilled out all over the crisp white tablecloth. The fat woman screamed and jumped up, swatting at her dress, which was now covered in rich red liquid.
"Why you…you…you…" She growled in frustration and stormed off to get her dress cleaned before it stained. Duo blinked as he watched her run off.
"Wonder what’s up with her?" He was lucky he didn’t catch Relena’s deadly glare.
<<No one should begin to eat until all have been served and the hostess begins to eat>>
When the fat woman was gone and could no longer be heard, the activity began again and the food continued to be served. Duo shrugged and picked up his fork and started to shovel food into his mouth. Relena was appalled as she held her fork in mid-air.
<<Napkins are on the lap. However it is generally permissible when eating spaghetti to tuck it under your chin>>
Duo didn’t pay attention to the stares he was getting, and soon the other guests started to ignore him and start eating themselves. He looked up in time to see that everyone had napkins around their necks or in their laps. He shrugged and decided he might as well make a good impression. He grabbed his napkin quickly and picked it up off the table; flipping his fork to the ground. Heads snapped up to look at him but Duo paid no attention. He tied the napkin around his neck and then bowed his head over his food again.
<<Start at the outside of the silverware and work in, but watch your hostess for variations>>
"Whoa!" Duo cried. "Look at all these forks!" He nudged the fat lady who had returned from the bathroom. "Which one do I use? I do I use all of them?"
"All of them," She answered sternly.
"All of them? Really?"
She nodded curtly and turned back to her food.
Duo shrugged and picked up all three forks in his hands and jabbed his dinner with them. He laughed as he goofed around and tried to shove the immense magnitude of food into his mouth. Relena was getting close to snapping.
<<Take butter from the butter plate with the butter knife and place it on you bread and butter plate. Use your own butter spreader to put it on your roll etc. Break the roll into pieces and butter only one at a time>>
Duo looked at the still-warm rolls that had been placed in front of him. He grabbed one quickly and broken it in half. He took some butter from the plate and spread it over his roll. He had to grab some more, and got bread crumbs all in the butter. The fat woman and the Snout just looked at him. He gladly stuffed the entire thing in his mouth, dropping pieces onto the flood.
<<Food should be chewed slowly with the lips closed. Never let anyone see what you have in your mouth>>
"Oh, excuse me," He mumbled with his mouth full. The fat woman looked at if she was going to pass out.
He shoved more food into his mouth and ginned. "You should try this." He pointed to some yellowish stuff on her plate.
<<Carry on pleasant conversation during the meal>>
"So then this guy shot me in the arm! It was rally gross too, because there was like blood everywhere! It was just squirting everywhere." He motioned with his hands where everything was going. "And it was really red, like…like this stuff." He pointed at the wine in the glass next to him.
"So I’m bleeding everywhere and there are dead guys all over the place, and the entire place stinks and…"
"Duo," Relena cut him off. "Stop."
Duo blinked at her, apparently confused. "Why?"
<<Never make unnecessary noise while eating or drinking>>
Duo sighed and took a long sip of his drink, gulped it down loudly. Relena was appalled. Duo took a bite of food and chewed, smacking his lips and trying t figure out why everyone was staring at him.
<<Comments on food are not necessary; there should be no mention of disliked foods. Do not over-praise a particular dish; your appreciation is shown by your enjoyment of it>>
"Wow, this stuff is great." Duo said, eating some of his steak. "Who made this?" he turned to the fat woman. "You should really try this!"
The fat woman just rolled her eyes.
"Now that," He said pointing at the food on the Snout’s plate, "That stuff is gross. How can you eat that?!"
"Please let this be over soon…" Relena groaned.
<<Never cut up whole pieces of meat when starting to eat. Just cut one or two pieces at a time>>
Duo stabbed his steak with his fork and eagerly started slicing it into pieces. He hit a tough spot and he elbow flew into the fat woman’s arm, spilling her wine…again. Duo’s other arm slid and knocked the pieces of meant all over the floor and table cloth.
Relena groaned and dropped her head to the table and tried to ignore the screams of he fat woman.
<<When the meal is finished, place the napkin beside your plate, but do no fold it>>
"Well, thank you all for coming." Relena said as the meal finished. People started standing up and leaving. Duo stood up, folded up his napkin and dropped it on hi plate, in the mean time getting food all over his hands.
"Well, see ya Relena, thanks for inviting me." He held out his greasy hand. Relena only looked at it and signaled for a security guard.
"Wha-Relena what are you doing!?" Duo cried as the guard dragged him out the door and threw him to the driveway.
"Relena!" Duo cried. Relena only slammed the door in his face. Duo felt very insulted as he got up, brushed himself off and walked towards his car. "well, that’s the last time I go to one of her parties."
