12 May 2003

Where do you start with something like this? I guess I could state my point. Well if I could think of one. Let me just say that this is going to be very informal. I am letting you (whoever you that stumble across my thoughts may be) into a very private part of my life. A part that few people even know exists. Oh, sure; some people know I am depressed. But I bet they have no idea that it is this bad. Not one day goes by that I don’t cry about something. My emotions are so out of whack. I cry at the slightest emotional provocation. Even commercials have been known to make me cry. I pray to God a lot. I pray that he give me the strength to get through another day. The tolerance to put up with all the crap I deal with. Maybe that is the only thing getting me through.

Maybe if you come across this and you are depressed you can take something away from it. Maybe you could just send prayers and good luck my way.

I guess what's getting to me the most right now is my "friend." I can't say boyfriend because we aren't together first of all. We just hang out when we can and show each other affection. I love him. I always have. We went to high school together and I always had the worst crush on him. We never got together because he was dating one of my friends. After high school we crossed paths again when we worked at the same place together. We would always flirt but we never took it to the next level. Well, a couple months after I had my son I ran into him again at the mall. He looked me up and called me that night and we have been fucking with each other off and on ever since. Either he really does like me, or he is just really trying to play me. Maybe both. Only he knows, and he's not telling. I've never told him I love him, only that I care for him. He says he cares for me more than I know. And if he cares for me at all, then he's right; I don't know. Oh I left out one key detail. During that first year after we started fucking around he managed to get another girl pregnant and was going to try to do the family thing with her and they got married. I feel like such a stooge when I think about how this sounds to anyone else. So anyways now they are broken up and I'm pretty sure they are, because you can't go home to your wife with hickeys like that. He says she won't let him see his daughter. He says she was trying to change him. He likes to drink a lot and go out with his friends and she had a problem with that so she left him. He still wears his wedding ring. I'm not going to make excuses for him; I know how it looks. I can't help how I feel, I love him. He's said on more than one occasion that he loves me, just not lately. I feel in my heart that he does have love for me. So that's what's bothering me now. Basically that I can't help having feelings for a man who is destined to do me wrong; again. Did I mention that he is a liar? He will lie and lie and lie. I can tell when he's lying. He lies about stuff like when you ask him what happened. For example: last night he came over and he was missing his shirt. Now I know for a fact he didn't lose it with some girl so don't go thinking that. He said that he was about to get in a fight and tore it off or whatever. So I asked him what the fight was about and he gives me some BS about "handling business." Why can't he just come straight and tell me what he was fighting about? It's not important. The fact is he's a liar, and I shouldn't try to make our relationship into something that it's not (a commitment). See, before when we fucked around, I was the one who didn't want a commitment. He would ask me why couldn't we be together and I would tell him why make it more than it is, why mess up a good thing? And the truth was I cared for him and was scared to get too wrapped up in case he fucked me over. I was so much smarter back then. What's happened to me is I've gotten desperate for affection. I just want for someone to hold me in their arms so badly that I put up with his stupid shit. I just want to be loved. Don't I deserve it? Why shouldn’t I? What have I ever done to deserve being shunned by love? Maybe it's not my time, you say. Just wait, it'll happen, huh. Well I'm 24 years old and I am so tired of biding my time waiting for Mr. Right to come along that I'm making myself miserable wishing Mr. Wrong would be my Mr. Right. Hell, he's not even attractive anymore and I don't even notice that. Like if I met him today I would totally not date him. But it’s too late for that.

So get off this guy... Move on... Maybe you would like to hear about my baby's daddy. Well, he's a piece of shit basically. He isn't fit to breathe the same air as the rest of us. Seriously. He should be forced to live in a toxic wasteland to free up natural resources and clean air for the rest of us. I hate him so much, I can't remember if I ever loved him at all now. I like to think that there was at least a glimmer of hope for love for us at one time. But I didn't trust him. So I made up a test. I figured I met him on the internet so let's see if he will try to meet someone else off the internet. My friend was the bait and he bit, hook line and almost sinker. She didn't actually go to meet him. So we broke up over that and then guess what, I was pregnant. So I called to tell him and he wanted me back so I gave him another chance “for the baby." Don't ever do that. Me taking him back was just a license for him to treat me like shit. So we broke up again and a few more times while I was pregnant. The he hit me when I was 8 months along and that was that. I didn't talk to him for 2 years, outside of court. Then a few months ago we both forgot why we hated each other apparently because we gave us another shot. Turns out he's a total loser who doesn't even like to bathe anymore. It was a fight to get him to brush his teeth and then he has the nerve to tell me that nothing's ever “good enough” for me “is it.” WELL plenty is good enough for me. Just not him. I can't stand him; he disgusts me. The only thing that was ever good with him was the sex. So that's where he stands. He's a good fuck, but the hitch is, it's him. I can't be with someone that nasty. Not to mention spoiled and self centered. He couldn't pick his kid up a pack of diapers, but damnit if a new dvd or video game came out he was getting it. Would blow his whole paycheck on games and movies, then act like I should be grateful if he bought us something from jack in the box.

I may as well tell you about my other big mistake. He's also married now. I was best friends with a guy for years and ended up dating his brother and falling totally in love with him while I was pregnant. The he broke up with me a week before Christmas because he would be going to school in the fall. I always said, it would've been a good reason if he hadn't been using it as an excuse. At any rate, we broke up and didn't date for a long time after that. I still loved him and wanted to be with him but what can you do? It was really hard being best friends with his brother and having to see him all the time. And then we started dating again and it was wonderful; but then me and his brother had this huge falling out and that was the end of hope for us two. Flash forward a year and me and his bro are friends again, only now he is engaged. But you know me, I still care about him and am so starved for affection that I messed around with him anyway. Hell we had sex not 2 weeks before his wedding. I guess we're both whores. One time he told me that if I and his bro hadn't gotten in that fight he probably would've ended up marrying me. But I never buy too much into shit like that. There's no use thinking about what might have been. At any rate there's a definite pattern I'm sure we all see emerging here. But it's not what you might think. You might say I fall for guys that I can't have, but that's not it at all.

I think I'm just not allowed to be happy. Every time it's supposed to be a happy time for me I can't enjoy it. There is always some negativity overshadowing my happiness. Prom was never fun, I never had a date. I'm big so I could never find a nice dress to wear. Hell, I graduated from college a couple weeks ago and I couldn't even be happy then. Why does happiness elude me? There's this guy, Kenny. He's in the army and I care about him so much and he doesn't even know it. He had to go to Iraq and I haven't heard from him since. I wish I could find a nice guy like that to take me away from all my misery. But I will never be happy as long as I'm fat. I'll never be able to get a guy like Kenny as long as I'm fat. Only the losers I've been getting. I feel like shit because I told Kenny I would write him and then aol crapped out and his address was lost. But he doesn't know that he probably just thinks I haven’t' written him because I have better things to do and if he only knew that I would write him every day if I had somewhere to send the letters to.

What is wrong with me?

July 30, 2003


Well I meant for this journal to be a little more frequently kept than this but I just haven’t made any entries. Let me get you up to speed. Me and my friend were still fucking around all the way up until last Friday night. It was horrible, the way it ended, after all of these years too. Well His visits were getting more and more sporadic, and I basically wanted more from the relationship than he did, but that was okay I was still dealing with it, and pretty good I think. Well, he had told me earlier in the week that he was coming to see me on Friday so of course I was looking forward to it. Well Friday he calls and he says it will be a couple of hours, his friend is going to drop him off and can he do some laundry over here too. So I’m like sure that’s fine. Well a couple hours went by and I hadn’t heard from him, but I wasn’t really sweating it yet. Well after 4 hours I hadn’t heard from him so I call him and he says he’s still waiting on his homeboy to come get him. So, me thinking he’s making excuses, says if he’s not coming to just tell me because I can make other plans; I’d already been to the liquor store, I had a babysitter and I was going to do something whether he was there or not. So he promises he’s coming and I told him if he wasn’t there in one hour and he hadn’t called me that me and him were over; forever. It was so melodramatic. So he gets there in 30 minutes and makes a big deal about he told me he’d be here and whatnot. I’m like yeah. So pretty much one hour later to the dot, he gets a phone call and it’s his homeboy saying that his (my friend’s) cousin had been shot. So he says he’s got to go “take care of business” acting like he was going to get his piece and handle it that way. So I’m pissed and crying because like I said I am an emotional nutcase who can’t help my tears. I’m just stirring my screwdriver and looking at it as I think about what a sorry lying motherfucker he is. Of course he comes in there telling me “baby don’t cry, I promise I’m coming back, I love you, I’ve got to go take care of this that’s all. Just give me two hours” He’s literally kneeling in front of me brushing away my tears as they fall, saying “baby stop, please stop crying; look at me, I’m coming back. Do you hear me; look at me…” He has no idea that I’m crying because I know what a lying sack of shit he is and I can’t believe what great lengths he’s gone to leave my house.

But he leaves and I get on the phone with my friend. We call the hospitals and they have no one there by his cousin’s name. So there goes his benefit of the doubt. Well while he had still been there earlier he had checked his phone in front of me and there was an entry on the screen, a call from “Headhunter.” I remembered he had missed my call, and it was on the missed call log, so that was also part of the reason I was mad; I figured it was me. I just didn’t have any proof. But if you know me, then you know that as far as I’m concerned, if I have a reason to be suspicious then it may as well be true. I’m rarely wrong about these things.

Well, exactly two hours later he’s back. We cuddled around and did what we do. Then we talked for a while and watched some TV. Well he gets up and says he’s going to bed. So I said I might go to my friend’s house since it was still early. So he gets all mad saying don’t get mad when he’s not there when I get back. So I was like where are you going. But he just went and passed out drunk on my bed. Well I found his phone, and normally I wouldn’t go looking through anyone’s shit like that, but I had already seen that entry and I’ll be damned if he’s calling me a headhunter behind my back and I won’t make it my business to find out. Well I look through and there are all these girls’ names in it, but that wasn’t my concern because we weren’t together and I figured he sees other girls anyways. Well the headhunter was me, and that was pretty fucked up because you figure, I’ve been fucking with this guy for 3 years, known him for damn near 10, and this is all he thinks of me? Not to mention that he rarely even gets head. So that means he probably just put that shit on his phone to front in front of his “homeboys.” Well I got so pissed just thinking about that shit and I was already drunk. I went back to my room and just started cussing him, telling him to get up and get out of my house; I went and put all his wet clothes in his basket and threw it on the back porch, along with his shit from on the counter. Then I went and got his phone and threw it in the basket. I had given him some cologne earlier and I took that shit back, because fuck him. Then I went back in my room and yelled at him some more. I started shoving him to get his ass to wake up and finally he did and I told him he was a sorry piece of shit. Threw his shirt at him and told him to get dressed and get out. Told him he had the nerve to tell me he loved me; I brought him around my kid. What was headhunter supposed to mean anyways. He just kept saying it’s whatever you want it to mean, and, whatever. What a little bitch. So he left and walked to his momma’s house. Called me on the way to say his momma would be there in the morning to get his stuff; I said good tell her that shit’s on the back porch. So that was that. Chapter closed.

Well about Kenny, my silver lining. I was able to find his address and I sent him all the letters I had written. That was about a week ago, I doubt he’s gotten them yet. I hope he writes back, but in a way I hope he doesn’t; but that’s just my selfish heart. I have built him so far up in my mind that I don’t want to ruin it. I told him all kinds of the way I feel about him. That I care for him, that when he gets back I want to come see him, and I would cook him a good dinner and all that. I signed all my letters with Love. I spritzed the paper with my perfume; maybe that was going a little too far… I don’t want him to write me and be like I don’t care about you at all or something like that. If he does say some shit like that I will just tell him that’s okay I just wanted to make your stay in Iraq a little bearable get over yourself. I miss talking to him so much though, and he’s such a great guy. He would never fuck me over like the person whose name we won’t mention. But then there’s the voice that tells me that if I don’t lose some weight I don’t stand a chance of catching a great guy like Kenny. Hell it’s a fact of life.

Anytime you see a good looking person with a fat person, just be aware that that is the exception, not the rule. But I ordered a Tony Little Gazelle and it should be here any day now and I am going to try and lose some weight. Not just for Kenny, but because I’m not happy and I think all my problems stem from my weight. I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life being fat. I don’t go swimming; I don’t really dance in the club. I can barely shop at normal stores and I hate having to go to plus size stores to find decent clothes. Then there’s the stores that only carry grandma looking plus size clothes. Like every overweight person is some 80 year old retired lady in Miami. I’m tired all the time; I’ve never had a decent relationship. All the guys I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me, and I have a very pretty face. I can send my pic out over the internet and every guy wants to meet me and says how beautiful I am, but then on the rare occasion where I have went to meet an internet guy; it always turns out the same. I end up feeling like I have fooled them into meeting me by showing them a pic of just my face. Like I didn’t warn them I was fat. So I rarely meet guys from over the internet. I don’t want to set myself up for rejection. I figure nobody here in the real world wants me so why would an internet person? It’s a valid question.

I can’t believe I am so depressed like this. I cry all the time. I was lying on my bed earlier and thinking to myself, just trying to be sorry for myself. And I started thinking some really fucked up shit about killing myself, but I would never do that as long as I have a kid. So I chalked it up to that was the devil trying to get to me, then I just got mad because hell, I can’t even have a pity party in my own head? Doesn’t everyone get their time to grieve and feel sorry for themselves? I really loved that sorry motherfucker. It hurt finding out the truth about him, that he never even gave a shit about me. I wasn’t shit to him, never would be. I was less than shit. I wasn’t a friend, not someone that he thought was cool, he didn’t appreciate coming over and me taking care of him, cooking for him and doing his laundry, giving him affection. He used to always tell me how much he liked being able to talk to me, that I made him feel better about himself, that he thinks I was the only one who really loved him. It was all lies. He was only trying to run game, and I allowed him. I knew most of it was game, but I went along with it anyways. It was like we were in a movie, playing roles; reading from a script. Don’t get me wrong, I can run game with the best of them, and that’s what I did, but it didn’t mean that I didn’t give a shit about him. I should never have let my emotions get involved.