Chapter XVI


(Your Milage May Vary)



Date: Sat, 10 Jul 2004 19:15:28 -0700 (PDT)

Pardon this question from a newbie. I have heard several people here online make reference to a "Holy Toaster." I'm confused. Is this a reference to a kitchen appliance? Or to someone who makes a toast, like say at a wedding? (With H2O, I assume.) A cosmic emcee, so to speak.

Someone please help. I don't want to offend any here by saying the wrong things :-)

I just need a little help in battling our common foe--the cunning and baffling and omnipotent Alcohol!!

Emma Bovary


Date: Sat, 10 Jul 2004 20:15:43 -0700 (PDT)

You bring up an interesting point...I just assumed we were talking about a kitchen appliance, but it also makes sense for Him to be 'one who makes a toast.'

So which is it?

Phantom Disrali (who has been talking to her kitchen toaster for the last week)


Date: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 11:21:40 -0500

I refer specifically to the Hotpoint "El Tostso" toaster manufactured in 1913 as the "Holy Toaster". Other sects may be referring to other toasters when using this phrase.



Sent: Monday, July 12, 2004 3:02 PM

The only REAL Holy Toaster is the one my Church follows. It is not connected with those other, false, wannabe toasters and their inferior apostles. The world is adrift in false toasters, beware!


Date: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 15:19:21 -0400

Hey, I have two toasters in my house. One by Braun and the other by Krups.

Therefore, I am faced with these questions:

Q: Does this make me a pagan?
Q: Is my God German?
Q: Where do I find kitchen appliances in that 70's avocado color.
Q: How come it hurts when I tinkle.

And, while I sit here repenting my sins in the Homewares section of Bloomingdales, I need to indicate the following:

1) I used to have a toaster by Black and Decker. Never did it's job real well. I think that it was a false God.
2) How about the Video Toaster product for my Amiga. Would that be the God of Porno?

Since I don't have my worry beads (or anal beads) handy, should I use the extension cord, 3 ft, color black, 110v, model 482j instead?

TwinkleFweep, please advise.



Date: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 16:21:42 -0500


If you worship both toasters this makes you a polytorrotheist ('torro' Latin, "to toast"). If you only worship one of the toasters then you are a montorrotheist.

Please refrain from inserting your "unit" into the toaster. The pain when you "tinkle" should go away on it's own.



Sent: Tuesday, July 13, 2004 12:31 AM



Date: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 16:27:36 -0500


Which Toaster does your church follow? Not the "Torrid Swinger", I hope...



Sent : Monday, July 12, 2004 11:29 PM

No, THe "Torrid Swinger Toaster" even has the nerve to appeal for funds on Television and everything. Now we, the "REAL HOLY TOASTERS" do sometimes, in times of great need, socilit funds on television, radio etc. But since we are the REAL Tosters, we have an absolute RIGHT to do that!


Sent : Tuesday, July 13, 2004 7:12 AM

The server was spitting out posts one or two at a time all evening yesterday... looks like it finally got them all regurgitated.

Probably just as well I didn't get myself involved in the passionate Toaster discussions. Perhaps to some of you the Toaster is a benign deity. I personally, however, have have spent far too much time getting toasted. Go out to a bar, some crumb tries to butter you up. Then the next day you feel burnt, and don't wanna do anything but loaf. Bad scene, no matter how you slice it.

Sappho d'Arc


Sent : Tuesday, July 13, 2004 10:02 AM


Don't stray from the toaster. Something good is bound to pop up.

WWWonder WWWanda


Sent : Thursday, July 15, 2004 3:08 AM

I woke up inspired.

While saying my morning tribute to Our Holy Toaster, I had a vision. Yes, a vision. Suddenly, I became fully aware, that the Holy Toaster was not the only deity. In fact, He is not even the main man.

Nope, the Holy Toaster is the second man, a sort of Christ figure, not the Big God, but a spin-off of one much larger.

At that moment, light flooded the room, the bed began to shake, and I was filled with the omnipotent vision of The Holy Pressure Cooker. Oh Praise the Cooker!

So I am proclaiming The Good News, to all who want to praise and worship at the alter of the only true god, The Holy Pressure Cooker.

So be aware, the Cult of the Holy Pressure Cooker is the correct one, and others are false deities. Do not be fooled by cheap imitations or false Cookers, like the Holy Toaster: Lord Presto is the only true Pressure Cooker, and obviously much more powerful that the Toaster.

One can easily imagine how the Presto Pressure Cooker explains the Big Bang Theory. A very good bean soup, exploded on the seventh day creating the cosmic chaos we now live within.

More will be revealed.

Praise the Presto!

May the appliance be with you!

Bugs Barbarella


presto presto

Sent : Thursday, July 15, 2004 9:37 AM

Bugsy, Baby

Big Bang????? Nonsense!!!! The Big Bang theory has been totally discredited!! (see Hotpoint and Westinghouse, 1986).

Everyone knows that the origin of the universe was a Giant Pop Up!!!



Date: Thur, 15 Jul 2004 12:50:03 -0400

Oh, I forgot to mention how many times getting toasted has gotten me into a jam... (Dammit, I knew I would forget one!)

Sappho d'Arc (The little pop tart)


Thu, 15 Jul 2004 14:56:30 -0500

Does not the 11th commandment state:

"Thou shalt not bathe with the Lord thy God"

Does not the Epistle To The Odoriferous tell us that "The Lord smote with fire from the heavens all who disobeyed the 11th commandment."


B. O. Grimes, DD. Church of the Holy Hydrophobe


Date: Tuesday, July 13, 2004 5:59 PM

WOOO HOOOO Everybody!!!!!

I just saw Loompanics has a new book out!! It's called "DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT AND LIVE LONGER."





the enigma of darwins toaster