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London at night
by Lynda Archard
©: May 2002


A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every person walking in the road assuming they had no right to be there. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud Thump and he swerved back on the road.

One day as the driver was driving along, he saw a Priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over, he asked the Priest "where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to say Mass at the church about 2 miles down the road", replied the Priest.

"No problem Father. Climb in and I'll give you a lift!"

The happy Priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a stray pedestrian walking in the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But just in time, he remembered the Priest, so at the last minute he swerved back on the road, narrowly missing him. However, even though he was certain he missed, he still heard a loud "Thud".

Not understanding where the noise had come from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the Priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the stray pedestrian!"

"That's ok replied the Priest, I got him with the door."

Car acronyms

AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented - All Un-informed Drivers Insulted - All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW - Big Money Works - Bought My Wife - Brutal Money Waster

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE - Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily - Found On Road, Dead! - Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM - General Maintenance

GMC - Garage Man's Companion

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again - Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW - Virtually Worthless

Red Lights

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went straight through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went through. This time the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Ethel! Did you know we just ran through three RED lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Ethel turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"

A question for drivers:

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he was unwell and really didn't feel like driving. His wife came to the rescue and decided that she would take their daughter out instead.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a single bastard!"

More coming soon....

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© Lynda Archard