Are You an Angel?
By Sha

Title: Are You an Angel?
Author: Sha
Rating: PG13,language
Spoilers: ?? Season 2 and 3 to be safe.
Summery: Ahhh,this story MAY bother you,especially if you've ever had someone in the hospital on life support and had to make a tough decision about taking them off of it.Has a good ending though.
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Productions, 19th Century Fox, WB Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. The situation is totally mine, and I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
Distribution: My site,UCSL,Andra's site,Or the B/G shippers.Others,please ask first.Thanks!

Notes: Sarah's songs struck again.Also this has some of Darcy's influence in it. ;-)If you have Sarah McLachlin's CD,"Surfacing" then turn it to Sweet Surrender.Oh, I hope this isn't too confusing for you.

I wondered for the 100th time where I was. I keep calling out for someone but no one answers.
I am *truly* alone. I can remember very little. I remember laughter,small touches,walking ,noise,screams,and pain. Oh god, the pain.

Who, what,where,and why? I'm having trouble connecting it all together, but the answers are there. I know they are.They MUST be.Right now it's all I've got.

OK. So now I have a mission.To remember.But hey! It's a beginning, right? Right.
OK,name? Ummmm-pass.
Age? Well, young.I mean hands look young,legs do and such so young it is.
Hair-blond and longish. Wait- this sucks.Sleep.Yeah more sleep.Think and worry and remember later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's that beeping again.Beep,beep,beep,beep.What the hell is that so I can break it?! Ooooohhh, I *like* breaking things when I'm mad.
Hmmm a clue.Ok Buffy, keep this up and-WAIT! Buffy! That's it.That's my name.Buffy.YES! Hi, I'm Buffy, and you are?Alright, yeaaa me!

What the *hell* were my parents thinking naming me that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Buffy just who are you?

Oh God help me please.Please.I feel like I'm drowning.There's water all around me and I'm too tired to swim any more.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.
No hope Buffy, no hope.Who do you have now? What does that leave? Please someone?
What does that leave now?
ME. I can DO this,I will.
I'm Buffy, and I was meant for greatness.I just have to keep my head above water.That's all.
OK now.I've repressed enough.It's time to 'take stock'.
So, I'm in this room.It's white but smoky,hazy.No one is around.Like life itself doesn't exist.I have blond hair,I'm young and my name is Buffy.

But......there's other things.Important things.Somewhere I have friends, good,dear friends. Also, there is a man.He's wonderful,smart,caring and looks *really* good in leather.

I have work to do,important work.People need me, depend on me.I need to get back.HELP ME PLEASE!

I'm so scared,so scared.

What happened to me?To them?

Oh please tell me I didn't fail them again.I couldn't live with that.The memories are there behind the lapping water.I must get to them.

Only way I know how to get stuff done is to dive right in.Even metaphorically speaking.OOOhhh a big word for Buffy.Hmmmm, someone influenced......who?WHO!?
Calm.Calm.Sleep now.Sleeeep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh boy.That beeping again.Wait! Something new.Crying.Someone's crying and it's not me this time.
HELLO? Hello, who's there? I can hear you.I can.Oh please what is going on?
I can remember.....laughter,small touches,walking,noise,screams,and then,pain.A light, too bright,crying,pain gone....for now.I'm Buffy,I have friends.Good ones.Willow,Xander,Oz,Cordelia, Angel- Giles.Yeessssss.I remember so much. So,so much.Things, too many all at once. STOP! Not so fast.Slow, slow.I hurt them, they hurt me.
Doesn't matter. I love them, they love me. One of them is *mine*. All mine. I MUST get back. Dang the sleep again.Don't wanna this time.Have- to- get- back.

Sleep.Dang.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, If someone doesn't stop that beeping I'M GONNA START BREAKING STUFF!
So, here I am.Another mind session with myself.Okey dokey.

I'm Buffy and blah blah,biddy blah.
I can,finally, remember everything. Well everything except why I'm here.What happened to me.

Hmmmm.The best thing to do is think.What is the last thing I can remember?
I was - I was with, everyone? YES! We were all together, celebrating.....something. At a restaurant, talking,laughing.YES! We were laughing and I felt a small touch on my knee.
A caress. It's him.My lover. No one else knows.Yet. Soon.Very soon. We share a secret smile. Our feet bump.Hmm both of us are shoeless. Imagine that. We've been 'together' two months now.
It has been wonderful. Late night meetings, special nights out to let loose and be ourselves. Fun,laughter,smiles,touches,love.Ahhhhhh. I *so* need to get back.Now.NOW! Why can't I ?What's wrong that I'm stuck here?

I HATE THIS BLOODY PLACE! HELP ME DAMNIT!
NO, not sleep.Not the sleep again.Who keeps doing this to me?This isn't right. Please help me? Mom, Giles, Angel SOMEONE!
Shoot, time to fade out again.Flipping sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a dream.Except I don't think it was a dream.We were at a restaurant, celebrating..... Cordy's diamond ring? Whatever.Anyway,after, we got up to leave.We were walking to our cars.
Everyone was there.Oz and Willow got into the van.Xander and Anya did too.The rest of us waved and they left.We're not in Sunnydale though. We're in.....L.A.!! That's where Cordy lives now. Angel too.Mom,Giles,Angel and I say goodbye to Cordy, and kiss her.She told Angel she'd see him later and left in her car.

It gets a little fuzzy here, but someone runs out of a nearby store.Giles and Angel start yelling the guy turns and....he has a gun! He's gonna shoot them! I did the only thing I knew.I pushed my mom behind a car,then I pushed Giles and Angel to the ground.

Then.....noise, screams, pain. Oh god the pain. Then nothing until I wake up here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can hear voices. Some familiar, a couple not.They're arguing.Over me I think. Yes, it is over me.Some guy is saying- what?
It's like trying to hear voices when your under water.
Something about no change and choices,decisions.Hard to make. Oh! That's my mom! She's crying. Saying- yes. Yes to what I wonder? Uh-oh.That's him.My love.He's yelling,screaming.Ooops, at my mom.Hey! Easy there babe.You shouldn't call her *that*.True, she may act like it at times but still.....NO hope?Who has no hope?Hey! I have a tube, a breathing tube.They're gonna pull it?
Ohhhhhh, he doesn't want that.OK then, neither do I.No,no,no DONT!Mom has the rights, the only one.I dont because I'm stuck here.

Oh, there's the others.Hi Willow,Oz.Hi Xand,Cord and Anya.WOW! Angel, hello.Please guys, don't cry.I didn't want to leave this time.Why is everyone yelling at my mom?

Ohhhhh, the tube thing.She's telling them that this is no life.Not for her Buffy.It's been too long, pull it.

Hey, they're saying goodbye.DON'T LEAVE GUYS PLEASE!I'm too scared to be alone.OUCH!
That didn't feel very good.I think - yes, they took out the all important tube.
I'm getting dizzy.
Hard - to - catch - breath.
Hold my hand.Yes, that's it lover, hold my hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh God no! Please.I've been begging too much here lately.So please just listen for once!Damn. I love you, goodbye.

It's so surreal to see yourself underwater and to be underwater at the same time.I am drowning, my hand the only visible thing above the water now.Slowly, it too goes under.Goodbye my darling- I will be waiting. All of eternity if I have too.

HUH? What's that? Someone is pulling me up by my hand.Noises surge all around.The machine beeping. People outside the door talking, their shoes squeaking.Most important was the voice. The figure leaning over me, begging me not to go.I couldn't see nothing but his outline bathed in a white light.Who - what is it?

"Are you an angel? Am -am I already that gone?" My voice, raspy and faint is still heard.
"Oh Buffy, no.You're still here, with me.Please don't leave me baby,stay here."
Yesssss, it's him. Not an angel,but close.
"I'm so tired."
"I know darling but please.I need you.We all do.Try Buffy, try harder."
OK, I will.It's just I'm so tired.Oh.
"Sleep now.Sleep for just a little."
"NO! No, please.I'm afraid if you do, you'll leave.
BUFFY DAMNIT!I love you and I'm going to marry you, but only if you stay awake.BLOODY WAKE UP!"

"Geesh Giles,OK. This isn't easy you know."
"I'll help you Buffy, I'll help you. I'll stay right here, where I have been all this time. Only if you stay awake though."
"OK, but would you wear the leather pants to our wedding then?"