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The Boyzzzz of Zoom!

It's all right to cry... even big boys cry sometimes too!

In my lifetime, I've seen a lot of awesome things on Zoom. From when Pablo had a porno stache at age 12 to when Caroline got hit in the face with a brick. But this year, by far, has exceeded my expectations. This kid, Mike, squirted some. I mean, he CRIED. What a sissy. You see, the Zoom gang was sitting around reading their "Fan" mail (they NEVER read my letters... you know, like the time I sent the one for "Pablo's Hair Stew...." but, whatever) and one of the Zoom girls starts reading about this girl with a "special" brother who loves Zoom and gets upset every time the show ends. Then Mike starts to blubber. Like David during the great Twinkie shortage of '99. These huge crocodile tears are streaming down his cheeks and then like *snap* Cappin' Wussy composes himself. What a poser. P.S. This kid always looks like he just drank a gallon of Kool-Aid and forgot to wash his face. He has a perma-juice mustache ALL THE DANG TIME. Hi, this is base to Mike. USE SOAP YOU DIRTY MOP!!

I bet Essy wears Dressies on the Weekend....

Metal mouth is back in the hizz-ous. Why do they always have to bring back the most BORING people? I swear PBS reads this site and eliminates all the people we love. Pablo, Claudio, David, Jared, BUZZ, RAY (Me thinks Ray had a little identity crisis anyway), and Jesse.... who wouldn't love to throw a quarter between her teeth?! I'm not even sure Essy's been in any episodes I've watched this season. If he was, I didn't notice. For goodness sakes, I think Lynese's sister Kortney has been on more this season than Essy. Strangely, Caroline and Essy look more alike every day. It's eerie really. I think they just keep cloning all the past Zoomers to create a new super-zoomin' human. Let's see, there's Essy and Caroline. Lynese and Kortney. Ray then Eric. Jared and Garret. Ooooh, and let's not forget Kaleigh to Mike. At least clone a good Zoomer... hrm, like PABLO. Anyone who wants to contribute to the "Clone Pablo Fund" please contact me ASAP!

On the Ears of Love...

Clay Aiken anyone? Perhaps his long lost brother. Anyway, this is how Garret picks up the chicks. He serenades the ladies all while flapping his ears. They swoon, he steals their wallets in hopes of paying for some ear pinning surgery in the future, and everyone is happy. I contacted ABC, and they told me that Garret would be a great candidate for "Extreme Makeovers." Yee-haw, here he comes!