The DO's and DO NOT's of Shopping at Safeway

• DO NOT park illegally. See those yellow stripes on the road? They mean don't fuckin park here because you're in the way of the trucks. Especially you, the driver of the black Lexus ES300 who parks here every time you come. I swear to god the next time you do it, I'm gonna give you a big old nasty hairy ball mustache right in the middle of the parking lot. Bitch.
• DO drive on the correct side of the road.
• DO acknowledge me when I greet you. Not that I want to talk to you anyway.
• If you are one of the two female customers with a mustache, DO shave before shopping. Please.
• If the soda machines have an out of order sign on them, DO NOT put a quarter in. If you do anyway, DO NOT bitch to me because you are a dumbass.
• DO NOT ask me to watch your dog while you shop.
• DO tip me. If you just spent 60 bucks on groceries, I know you can spare a fuckin dollar for me to buy a goddam hot dog.
• DO NOT ask me if I know anything about goddam Pokeman cards. (although I have been told that I'm gonna be a Pokeman master one day.)
• DO NOT leave your cart full of groceries blocking the empty ones. Especially after you got all pissed when you had to move someone else's out of the way to get yours in the first place. Don't think I don't remember.
• DO NOT give me those dirty looks when I walk by with a hot dog and soda in my hand. I'm on break.
• DO NOT ask me when the variety store is open or if they sell this or that. You see this gay red apron? It means I work at Safeway, not the fucking variety store.
• DO NOT get pissed at me because some guy at the Belle View Safeway went inside when he saw you coming out with a cartfull of shit.
• DO NOT get impatient when it takes me more than a minute to load your two cartfulls of groceries into your car. Instead, DO go grocery shopping more than once a year.
• If you're a short-haired, lesbian bitch, who can't drive, DO NOT come to my Safeway.
• DO NOT think you're cool just because you brought the most bags for the day.
• DO NOT fly by my Safeway with your Integra ridiculously maxed out in first gear. I've already seen it 5 times today.
• DO NOT fly by my Safeway with your shit-ass Mustang ridiculously maxed out in first gear. I've already seen it 10 times today.
• DO address me in the English language.
• If I say excuse me, I AM talking to you and not the invisible man standing next to you. DO get out of the way.
• DO NOT ask me where some obscure item is. I don't know any better then you do, and I'm just gonna go ask the manager, which you can do on your own.
• DO know that I am laughing at you when you walk face-first into the the Out door.
• If you can see my breath DO NOT expect a smile.
• DO leave your asshole dog at home so he's not barking in my face while I'm loading your groceries.
• If you're the woman who has a breakdown because of your crazy kids EVERY time you come to my store, DO come more often. You entertain me.
• If you're Fidel Castro, (don't think I don't recognize you every time you come to my store), bring me some reefer next time.
• DO NOT gesture to me from behind your tinted windows. Do you remember why you had them tinted in the first place?
• DO NOT sit in your car assuming I know which cart is yours and/or where you would like your groceries to be placed.
• If there's already a million fucking cars in the parking lot, DO NOT enter my store. I swear to god you people get dumber when you're in masses.
• DO whatever the fuck you want, I don't work there anymore.

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