8/2/03 9:00pm
Alright, it's been two years. Is there any evolution evident in the mindfields of my head? Probably not. But I was smart before so, whatever. I went to Lollapalooza yesterday and I'm glad to say rock and roll is alive and kicking ass. I'll update my concert page as soon as I recover some ticket stubs and verify some dates of shows last year. I know the two of you are on the edge of your seat, but worry not, it's on the way.
Most of my journalizing as of late has been on paper rather than online. I'm not afraid of death but I'm acutely aware of decay. I don't want anything to be left unsaid. I don't want people to wonder. I wouldn't want to wonder. Okay, now I'm probably scaring you. It's not that I plan on dying anytime soon, but you never know. Maybe I just took a shot to the kidney in the mosh pit, and that pain in my head is probably just my wisdom teeth. Or maybe my organs have finally said beans to my terrible diet and are leaking toxins into my bloodstream. Nah... it was probably just the chicken fingers. R.I.P. Joe Baker. R.I.P. Timmy Augeri.
5/4/01 10:51pm
Wow. So it's been three months since I last updated. I guess studying for exams is the only thing boring enough to drive me to convey my thoughts to you. Hmm, you'd think I'd have something to say after three months. Well for one thing sobriety sucks. Luckily my good friend beer has been very supportive through this ordeal. Stupid job-getting and subsequent testing. It'll be good to have money though. I'm lookin forward to comin home and chillin with everyone and finally gettin to spend lotsa time with my girlfriend. Ah, I spent a lot of time writing my final paper for english on legalization of marijuana. Maybe I'll try and get that up here tonight. If I don't die first. You see for the last few weeks I've been slowly starving to death as I ran out of money on my meal card and don't like spending what little cash I have. Sooo hungry... Mail me food. Later.
1/28/01 2:22am
Went to a monster truck jam tonight. It was pretty badass. You've all gotta help me convince Jason to be a toughtruck racer. He'll be a star I tell you. Anyway, you know want to know the one thing about monster trucks that sucks? yeah i know this should be on the Things That Suck page but I haven't done anything with this one for a while, so here it is, I know you don't give a damn where it is so long as it's here right? Okay now i'm just rambling. ah yes, back to bigfoot. yes, bigfoot is something the sport(?) of monster truck racing could do without. it just irritates me how everyone is expected to love bigfoot. I understand that every... you know what... this belongs on my monster truck page. yes yes. i'll leave this up here as a mysterious peek into the inner workings of my braaaaaiiiin... Intriguing huh?
12/07/00 4:25am
It's kinda sad how much time people just spend just sitting in front of computer screens and televisions (yes, even I, believe it or not occasionally use these machines) when you compare it to the time people spend just sitting around and having a critical conversation about the bounds of the universe, human nature, perception of reality, or other such topics. Sit around a campfire and sing fuckin Koombaya. That's the way to do it. Yeah...
12/06/00 9:58pm I saw the Phish documentary, Bittersweet Motel, tonight. It did a good job of putting words to feelings that are often hard to describe. I think it's good to have an understanding of everything you think and feel. If I really try to understand why I'm feeling bad in any degree, or why something upsetting is the way it is, nine times out of ten I'll be rid of all ill feelings and instead be full of a new energy that can be directed to fixing whatever problem may exist.
12/05/00 3:14pm I'm feeling rather restless today. I guess this site suffices as a creative outlet, and I've recently tried to pick up the guitar, but I still can't help feeling like I'm gonna explode every once in awhile. Perhaps I should be studying for exams. Hopefully venting a bit will lend me a bit more concentration when the time finally comes. In fact I feel better already. I think I'll give it another go.
12/04/00 11:34pm Wow, has it really been that long since I've had a thought? I guess perhaps I've become less opinionated upon my further realization that everyone is different and the world would be a better place if everyone was a little more tolerant.
09/12/00 11:25pm In case you haven't noticed, I've been doin a lot of work to the site, tryin to make it a little softer on the eyes. I've been spending way too much time on it. Ridiculous. Anyway I'm just chillin. Very exciting. I finally missed a class today. I needed all the time I could get for my Architecture cube. Yeah, that's it... No, I actually did spend hours on that damned thing today. Hopefully this will be the end of it. Well that's enough for now.
09/10/00 11:57pm
Having so much free time is great. I spend probably an average of an hour on out-of-class work each day, and the rest of that time is generally spent playing smash brothers, or eating. I've also been drawing a bit, and hope to start writing if I can ever get my thoughts into something coherent. I don't even know what I feel like writing about, I just feel like expressing myself. I feel like making an argument, maybe on the illegality of marijuana or somethin like that.
Well this is funny, I haven't updated in a month, and you would think in making the transition from home to college, I would have something of interest to talk about, but whadduyaknow.
Life away from home is great. It's just nice being able to do whatever the hell I want without having to hear about how I should be reading the newspaper or watching the history channel or something. Actually I would kill to be able to watch the history channel right now. Nah, actually I've been gettin used to not havin a tv. It's not so bad. I'm much more productive without one.
I guess one major thing that I haven't addressed on here is the general exodus of all my anger. It wasn't a sudden thing or anything, but more of a gradual change in my overall mood. Reading back on some stuff I wrote months and years ago, I realize now that I was pretty angry before. Some of the stuff I wrote actually disgusts me now. I'm not really sure when it was, but at some point I just came to the realization that most of the things that most people get upset over are really stupid and pointless and a waste of energy. My advice is just do what you can and be happy with what you've got. I know I am.
8/15/00 11:05pm Well I've finally gotten around to this again, but my thoughts aren't really collected, and I'm talkin to a bunch of people, and watchin TV too, so this is more or less just to let you know that I haven't COMPLETELY forgotten about this website. I leave for Tech on Saturday morning, and am looking forward to just about everything that's comin with it. The one thing however, that I'm not looking forward to, is leaving my friends behind. It's not like I'm never gonna see them again, but I'll miss the short trip. More than anyone though, I'm gonna miss my girlfriend. It may seem naive to put so much into a long distance relationship, but if you really believe in something, then I think it's worth at least a shot.
7/15/00 12:20am Well it's been forever since I last made an entry in here and so much has gone on, but for now I'll briefly cover today's events. I went to Ozzfest for the third year in a row. This year was a little different though. I couldn't really get into the majority of the anger-driven music. I actually half-expected to feel a little disconnected, as I have adopted a more peaceful outlook on the world since last year's show, but I kind of caught myself off-guard. I never once felt the need to mosh, and was actually disgusted as I watched numerous fights break out in the pits. I was feeling rather down about the show as a whole until Soulfly blasted out with a really energized, positive set, just as this crucial thunderstorm was breaking. After Soulfly finished, I made my way back to the main stage to watch the last few bands. While waiting for Pantera, everyone started mudsliding, and the whole thing just turned into a big happy party, minus all the anger that had been there previously. We had to leave early because the rain and hail was just too cold, but I left feeling really good. The event as a whole basically reinforced my theory that humanity is teetering on the edge of a cliff, with about half of us pushing for peace, and the rest of us reveling in the shit that will eventually lead to the extinction of the human race. 6/12/00 9:15am This was an interesting weekend. You know those people who have been around you for years, but you've never really gotten to know? Whether you have a positive or negative view of them, or one of indifference, you should really make an effort to know them better. You'll find mirror images of yourself in the strangest of places. 5/23/00 1:31pm (Look at that, I've started my last three entries within 2 minutes of each other each day. Interesting.) Anyway. I've been really confused lately. I don't know what people want from me, so I don't know how to go about things. Also, I don't know exactly what I want from certain people. I think my problem is that I want something different and specific from a lot of different and specific persons, when I should be looking for it all in one place. I dunno. I don't know if I can find it all in one place. Sure would make things easier on me. Then there is the ever-present countdown to August 19, which fucks up the situation even more. We'll see how it turns out I guess. I'm tryin not to worry about things, as they usually work themselves out. Things have also been really fuckin hard at home. The incessant carping of my dad is starting to take its toll. I've found that drinking is much cheaper than smoking, and offers equal relief from pressure, although unlike smoking, it's never of any value mentally. I think I'm currently worrying about things more than I usually do, although I have a feeling a good bit (not all) of my confusions will be somewhat straightened out after prom.
5/30/00 1:46pm I went to New Orleans this weekend and was amazed by how different everything was down there. Everyone was just really cool, and all about partying. It kind of gave me some hope for the world. It also gave me some relief from the drudgery of this whole general area. You really don't realize how boring some places are until you have something to compare them to. Anyway, my general impression of the whole city is a good one. It's one of the few major cities in this country where I could actually see myself living after college. I normally don't like being crowded everywhere I go, but these people didn't bother me. Good people. Good weather. Lots of alcohol and sex. The Big Easy definately gets two thumbs up. I also felt pretty safe there. The trip also brought some interesting developments in the way I view my family members. We got along for about a day or two before my Dad had his scheduled meltdown and left us to go sleep in the hotel room. That further reinforced my negative thoughts of him. I like to think he has some kinda chemical imbalance, and isn't a total asshole by choice, but I can't be sure. After he was gone, my sister, mom, and I could finally enjoy ourselves. My mom was extra cool and I really think we bonded while navigating through the drunken chaos of Bourbon street. With a beer in my hand and a big goofy marijuana necklace around my neck, I didn't feel the least bit guilty or uncomfortable walking with her. It just really made me realize that she respects me as an individual able to take care of myself. It's not that I didn't get that feeling before, but it was never as evident as it was this past weekend.
5/18/00 1:30pm Sometimes everything just feels wrong, and it's often hard to distinguish whether it is I or the world around me which is falling apart. I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Whether that's good news or bad news, well, I dunno.
5/11/00 1:32pm If you're gonna bring shit upon yourself, don't you ever fucking complain to me again.
11:18pm It scares me to death that there's a billion fucking people out there to whom I don't mean shit.
5/10/00 10:31pm Maybe it's because I'm about to smoke. Maybe it's because I've already smoked twice today. Maybe it has nothin to do with it all and I'm just a really emotionally stable person. No matter why, I'm mellow as shit right now, even though all of my conversations tonight have been with emotionally stressed people. It doesn't matter that every one of my friends is angry or depressed about somethin. It doesn't matter that I've spent the last two hours fixing my computer for my dad, who sat on the couch the entire time trying to explain why he's such a dick. I don't let it get to me. Everyone's worrying about somethin. Everyone except my fellow heads. I swear to god you people are killing yourselves over trivial shit. Just chill the fuck out. I'm not mad at all, in fact I'm quite calm. I swear sometimes I feel like a goddam counselor. You're entitled to have your problems, believe me when I say I have mine, but you can't let it fuck you up. You gotta roll with it.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm so sick of people disrespecting me because I'm not against drugs. If you're so shallow that you're suddenly gonna lose all respect for me when you find out that I smoke more than you thought I did, then I can't help but lose more than a little respect for you. No hard feelings, just lettin you know, as if you'll read this anyway. Peace.
5/2/00 1:20pm Well my computer's been broken lately again so I haven't been able to keep you updated. I swear as soon as I fix that thing I'm never gonna touch it again. Anyway, I skipped work on Thursday and Friday in addition to the previous two days. I went in a few days later and of course my name wasn't on the schedule. My manager told me we'd have to get things worked out so we could get my name back on it. Like I need them or something. Bastard. It's obvious to everyone that they need me more than I need them, considering they only have two workers for the entire 5-day week, but they somehow think I haven't noticed. I'm normally not a spiteful person, but I know that by quitting I'm being a real pain in the ass, and I'm glad of it.
4/26/00 9:22am I'm in school again, "learning". I slept all of last period, waking up with 5 minutes left in class as Mr. Alexander is giving the answers to the quiz we are taking. What a fuckin pointless class. I don't think I'm gonna go to work today. There's no better day to call in sick than the day right after the day you called in sick.
--------11:14pm For the last month or so, I've been contemplating what I'll do and where I'll be if it turns out adults actually do know what they're talking about, since they've been there before and have all the experience. Anyway, I just realized that all I have to do is keep from growing up. And as to where I'll be, well, I'll be in paradise.
4/25/00 11:07pm I skipped work today. Not for any good reason. I just felt like sittin on my ass chillin with my friends so I called in sick for the second time in a working week. I love doing that. It lets me know I'm in control of my life, and not stupid Mr. Moats, or my sometimes stupid parents, or anybody else. Me. My life. I feel like callin in sick, and smokin all day while watchin shitty movies at Nick's house, so I think I'm gonna do it. Yes I realize it's after 10:00 and my parents are probably pissed at me. But I don't really wanna go home. So I won't. I'll stay until this movie's over. Once you start thinking independently, it becomes exponentially easier over time.
4/23/00 8:05pm Every week should be Spring Break. We left last Thursday and visited Sharp in Georgia, then drove to Hume's house in Hilton Head, S.C., where we proceeded to get fucked up. I can safely say it was about the best week of my life. No worries or responsibilities at all. Besides having fun I also had some really deep conversations with some friends. Coming home to reality was pretty groin-grabbingly hard. I forgot how much my family sucks.
It being Easter doesn't help. I can honestly say that I hate Easter more than any other day of the year. But I guess today wasn't as bad as some years. We woke up early and went to church for the first time since last Easter. (Actually I'm not even sure if we went last year.) Anyway, the service wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was interesting to watch the whole process. I swear everyone in the building just looked like zombies. Some of it was just disgusting. I thought I was gonna vomit every time they said to ignore your life on Earth. It's such bullshit. Anyway, my analysis of the whole thing was cut short when none other than Ms. Cochran sat down right in front of me about half way through the service. She was just as sweaty and lonely-looking as ever. The only positive thing I could pick out of the whole church thing is that it gives people like her something to hold on to. We left before I had a chance to talk to her, but she did give me a smile. I'm not positive, but I think she recognized me. Anyway, I could continue about the horrors of Easter but my dad is forcing me to go watch the same fucking Easter movie we watch every Easter. Jesus Christ Superstar. Actually it is a pretty tight movie for one about Jesus. If you haven't seen it, it's a musical made by these hippie-type people back in the 70's. I'll continue later...
4/10/00 10:09pm I finally got to visit Tech today, with Pat and Sharp, and it was nice as shit. I can't wait until August 19.
4/04/00, 2:00pm I've gotta work today and I really don't want to. I called in sick yesterday simply because i didn't feel like going in. I almost wish my parents would have called up there looking for me, and gotten me fired. I didn't feel bad about making Andrew work the extra 2 hours since he did the same thing to me a week ago. It's good to do things like that once in awhile, just to let yourself know who's really in charge of your life. I didn't even have anything special to do. I hung out with a friend for awhile, then went out to Best Buy for an hour and didn't even spend any money. (I've gotta start savin a bit since I'm not gonna work this summer.) Anyway, I got back to my neighborhood at about 8:30, so I still had about 40 minutes to kill. So I just went to the park and sat there alone in the dark for like a half an hour. It was actually pretty nice. It's good to just get away from everything sometimes so you can think about things. When you actually get a chance to get away from everything and everybody, it surprises you how simple everything is. As complicated as life is, it really is isn't that complicated. Well I gotta go, the bell's about to ring.
3/31/00, 9:40am I'm actually at school right now, working hard as always. Nothing interesting to say. My in-class activities today have consisted of sleeping, reading the sports page, doing a crossword puzzle, laughing at the mulletporn at MulletsGalore.com (go there if you haven't been), watching Dante's Peak, and updating my page. I have a feeling this is not the best preparation for college. Oh well, it's fun now I guess. Thank god it's Friday. I can't wait to drink some beer...
---------1:27pm I'm in Information Systems right now. Don't really have anything to say, just reinforcing the point that my school days are a complete waste of time. Maybe I'll go finish my Crystal Method page.
---------2:05pm Well my Crystal Method page is just about done. Just need some pics. What a productive class period...
3/29/00, 4pm I'm at work right now and I am so incredibly bored. I've been in a stupor all day long and it's only getting worse. My mind has been unpleasantly numb since I woke up. Let my tell you why: After a five hour sleep, I'm out of bed eating a shitty bagel for the third day in a row. Ten minutes later I'm in the back seat of a car listening to some good old fashioned christian music. Not even christian rock. I don't know what the hell it was, but it sure did suck. Anyway, I finally get to exactly where I want to be at 7:30 in the morning, school. I take the nice long walk from the parking lot to Geosystems, strolling through mud, rubble, and hordes of obnoxious underclassmen filth. (How can you possibly have so much fucking energy this early in the morning?) I get to class. It hasn't been five minutes before I'm subjected to the daily rage-inducing banterings of a fat, obnoxious, attention-starved female who shall remain nameless. In short time, we've engaged in some intense cutting and pasting followed up by some truly challenging coloring. Many of the animals in my class impress me by actually completing the assignment. Next, it's on to Accounting, where it's hard to tell the difference between sleeping and learning. I drift in and out of sleep as an equally uncaring Mr. Mackey drones on about the wonders of general ledgers and post adjustment trial balances. Ahh, finally it's lunch time where we discuss what we're gonna do this weekend when we actually get a bit of time to live. Next, we go to Government, where we always make the most out of our time. Any and all thoughts I have about school being a waste of time are quickly dispelled as we waste no time getting started on nothing. No writing, no lesson. A long nap, a thirty minute walk around the school with Kevin, and a twenty minute discussion about the irrelevance of claculus. Now that's my kind of government! Next it's on to Information Systems. I take another long stroll through the detritus of West Potomac (objects inanimate as well as human) and soon I've arrived. A quick chat with my friends, and I'm hard at work, struggling to find a decent webpage informing me of upcoming Sega games. At 1:45 with only 25 minutes left of class, I start and finish a lab the rest of the class has been working for 3 days. It's not even 2:00. Back to my video games. The sound of the bell brings me no excitement, as I have to work today. I'm in and out of my house in less than 5 minutes. Ah, the highlight of my day: It's 2:50 and I'm in the Safeway parking lot eating a less-than-spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. So here I am, working 3-9, an extra two hours because my co-worker is feeling under the weather. Funny, he seems to look fine every time I see him drive by. But there's no time to worry about that now. I've got to load this poor young woman's wine into her Jaguar before she has to get up and exert herself. No that's okay. I don't need a tip or a thank-you, or even a wave. In fact, I couldn't care any less about you yuppie-ass customers if I tried. I'm lookin for a reason to quit. In fact the only reason I'm still here is because I'd rather work and earn this money than eat dinner with my parents, so fuck you. So here I am, watchin the sun set on a truly pointless day. It's all good though. Writin this sarcastic commentary seems to have gotten my mind moving for the first time all day. I'm feelin pretty damn good.
3/28/00 Since I've heard for the third time in as many days that my site depicts me as a cynical asshole, I thought I'd better write somethin while I'm in a good mood. (I think I'm always just cranky at the time of day I work on my site, as my family is always home then.) Anyway, I've been feeling extra alive lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's great. I've been doing all kinds of atypical things lately, simply because I feel like it. Today I discovered the rush of adrenaline that comes with blasting Pitchshifter (a pretty good band if you've never heard of them) while speeding through the driving rain with your windows down. On Saturday I discovered the content feeling you get after leaving your house at 3 in the morning to visit someone who just wants to sit and talk outside for an hour. I've also been exploring the concept of mind over matter in the past couple of weeks. I had to get three shots today, but instead of turning my head away like I normally do, I watched the whole process, just to let myself know I could do it. Of course, it hurt, but I didn't let myself be bothered by the pain much, and didn't tense up even a bit for any one of them. You can kinda do the same thing, in the cold when you don't let yourself shiver, or by refusing to scratch an itch, or even by suppressing fear. I know it's nothing like walking on burning coals or anything, but it's one more bit of control I have over my life. I'm learning that control equals happiness. If you let other people like your parents or the government intimidate you so that you don't exercise your free will to the fullest, you're not making the best of what you have. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again: live your life. I wouldn't really know myself, but I hear it's short.
3/24/00 Well I guess it's actually the morning of the 25th but whatever dude. I just got back from drinking lots of, uh... milk. I'm feelin real good right now, about everything. You know life is so tight. And it's just not worth worrying about stupid shit, don't waste your time. I just fuckin love havin fun and not worrying about anything except the shit that really matters. What matters? What doesn't? Friends matter. Your job doesn't. Your happiness matters. Assholes don't. If it doesn't make you happy, it's not worth worrying about you know. Fuck it, that's what I say. Live outside the fuckin box. Fuck "normal".
3/18/00 Today’s subject is stupid and inconsiderate people. It’s often hard to tell whether someone is an ignoramus or an asshole, but it has come to my attention that 90% of the world population is one or the other. To avoid becoming a total cynic, I try to give everybody a chance. Basically I’m not gonna hate you if I’ve never encountered you. But the second you do something that I find offensive, I’m gonna have a grudge against you for the rest of eternity, or at least until you do something cool to balance things out. I’ve been told that I’m too judgmental, but I think I have pretty damn good reason. Everyone is so uncool, always gettin pissed off when there really isn’t anything to get mad about. So you know what, all you friends of mine who always call me judgmental: Fuck off you damn hypocrites!
