Beer, or Goofy Juice as I like to call it, is one of my favorite pastimes. It is a safe and healthy way to have a good time with your friends.
Reasons Why Beer Is Good:
Beer commercials are damn funny
Beer often leads to sex
Beer won't give you cancer
Beer is legal
Alcohol dissolves cholesterol
Beer turns you into a dancing machine
Beer lets you escape the horrors of reality, and run away from your problems
Being drunk is damn fun!
Drinking Tips:
Always shotgun the first one.
Never drink Milwaukee's Best before you're drunk.
Expensive beer is a waste of money.
Abstaining from food will get you drunk faster, and will make your vomiting experience more pleasurable.
For god's sake, DO NOT eat the Ruffles with Olean! Believe me...
Always invite someone with a lower tolerance than you, like Andrew. Odds are, he'll hit the floor first, shifting the ridicule off of you.
Drinking 40's is cheaper, and makes you feel ghetto fabulous.
Some insightful words about alcohol:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
Never trust a man that doesn't drink. He who doesn't drink is hiding more than just the fact that he's no fun. --Antonio Prieto
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch. --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchil
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for drop of sweet, tasty beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
