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Was in Viet Nam 67 -68

Have been diagnosed with PTSD and still I Isolate
Know that I'm still full of hate, it comes and goes.
For me it is as if time and my memory has froze.
Still I remember all those things that come with the war.
Not looking for sympathy at all, just looking for peace.
Peace in the way that all my nightmares and PTSD is gone.
It is a struggle for me each day and night: But: I still fight.
Tried to take my life here, not long ago and God only know
it's as if my mind gets to a point and blocks out all.
That's when I feel that I'm ready to fall, die and find peace.
Spend day after day locked away from society.
Afraid of getting out there for I know how I go into a rage.
Don't take much to set me off, a dirty look or a stare.
The point is that I really don't care and lash out at them.
This is what I get for fighting the war.
Feel lost without my m-16 out there in the real world.
Seems at times I find love and always wind up destroying it.
Guess in my mind being in shape as is, I don't really think I fit.
Am, alone most of my time and do at times go off to escape.
Feel at my best in the woods or the bush as I like to call it.
No people out there to bother me and make me have a fit.
Have hurt a lot of people in my life and some that really care.
Frustrates me even more, PTSD is no excuse no more than war.
In my mind I think I do right; But:Then I find I do wrong.
No wonder I isolate, can't stand myself, so be safe, Isolate.
Lost so much during the war, that I shut out all that glows.
Fear getting close, for it is to hurt once again, like war.
Like being on ambush, have to be quiet and not move.
These combat tactics are still in effect for me.
A means of survival, can't find a way to get out of them.
Think if I was to surrender to it, I would win.
But: I continue to fight like getting caught in a riptide
Like harder I try to get out, the farther I go back
One step forward, three steps back, getting very tired.
Hope one day I will find my way.  Maybe, maybe not.
Just know that something has to give way soon.
Not sure what the message is at all, just know there is where
my head is, Not Good, I know; But:  It is where I am
My heart says fight, my body says enough is enough.


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