O'DOCHARTAIGH ASSOCIATES

A common occurrence in many homes is one involving a child who does 
something that doesn't fit the pattern of behavior that a parent has 
come to regard as usual or correct. The parent may respond to this 
behavior with instructions, directions, and moral judgments. When 
this happens, the child feels misunderstood, angry or defensive. A 
secondary result may be that they ignore what the parent is saying 
and attempt to protect themselves in any way they can. They may slouch; 
explode verbally or even physically; become apathetic; express indignation 
or communicate the physical pain of "hurt feelings". On the other hand, 
they may passively accept what is said and change their behavior 
accordingly. They may also bury their anger in a quiet rage. If they do 
this, they may hit back at a later time, possibly in some unexplainable
outburst. The outburst may be masked, appearing as hostility, delinquency 
or physical symptoms. They may also take out their anger on themselves. 
In this case, it might appear as depression, drug use, or failing at school. 
A girl might become pregnant out of wedlock. This is the "You'll be sorry 
when I die" way of getting back.

Parents often go through similar mental operations when they think that 
their values or authority are being challenged. However, because adults 
are older, often bigger, and in many ways more powerful, the results are 
different. The types of parental instructions, directions, and moral judgments 
mentioned earlier are all forms of defensiveness.

It is interesting to note that the defensive reaction on the part of the parent 
or child may not occur in relation to someone else's child or parent, unless 
the other person is seen as a direct parent-substitute (as in the case of a 
policeman or other authority figure). Because of this, a teen-ager may talk 
openly and freely with a trusted adult confidant and may even take pretty
strong criticism from them without feeling defensive or disenchented. Similarly 
an adult can often be a lot more tolerant and supportive of a neighbor's child 
than their own.

Defensiveness results from feelings of being threatened. Things which are 
especially close to us are apt to appear more threatening during times of conflict. 
When someone we care about shows disapproval or anger, it means more than 
when it comes from a relative stranger. By the same token, the loss of someone we 
love is more important than that of a distant acquaintance. The failure of our own 
child is usually more important than the failure of a friend's or neighbor's. When 
faced with threat, human beings characteristically defend themselves by using 
attack, withdrawal, or any of a variety of psychological defense tactics. Many of 
the problems between adults and youth seem to have some of this defensiveness 
at their core. When in situations of conflict, each "side" boxes itself in. They 
become increasingly defensive of their position. As a result, they evoke still more 
defensiveness. The noise which results in these battles often hides what is being 
said. As the battle rages, neither parents nor children ever stop to think about 
what the battle may be about. For example, a minor disagreement over the use of
the family car can erupt into an attack by a 17 year old son on the parents' 
alleged selfishness, preoccupation with material things, old fashioned attitudes 
toward sex, and incompetence in driving. The parents may respond with comments 
about their son's incompetent driving, low quality friends, tendency to eat or 
drink too much, poor grades, and political attitudes. Quite likely, none of these 
arguments may even be related to the fact that the son has asked for the car in 
an abrupt voice because he thought his girlfriend was mad at him that day and the 
parents refused to let him have it because the son of an acquaintance was injured 
in a recent accident. After such an exchange, it's likely that both sides have 
forgotten what they are arguing about. Unfortunately, everyone is left with an 
uncomfortable feeling of anger, which is usually followed by a sense of having 
been hurt for no apparent reason.

Misunderstandings like this clearly indicate that one important step toward the 
improvement of parent-child relationships is the clarification of the substance 
of communications between parents and their children. If this can be done, then 
what is being transmitted and what is being received may more closely 
approximate each other and are more directly relevant to the issues at hand.  

1997

QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS? SEND THEM TO: O'DOCHARTAIGH ASSOCIATES P.O. BOX 786 LARAMIE, WY 82073-0786 OR EMAIL: highplains140@usa.net

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