DEPLOYMENT TIPS
BEFORE THE DEPLOYMENT
COMMUNICATE
Be sure to keep those COMMUNICATION lines open before your spouse leaves, during their absence and after they return. Let them know what you are feeling and how you are feeling!
GET THINGS FIXED
Be sure to make a list of all the things that need to be fixed and done before the separation. Get the cars working, make sure the washer and dryer are working. Do any maintenance around the house that needs to be attended to. Makes it a little easier for the spouses who remain at home. Although, once the spouse leave, expect for things to happen..always the way!
GET IMPORTANT PAPERS IN ORDER
Make sure you get your wills in order. Make sure they are updated and say what you want. Also make sure you get a power of attorney, just in case anything should come up that only the spouse can handle, this way you can handle it for them.
SPEND TIME TOGETHER
Make the time to have some family time before the separation. Go on a picnic, or go camping or just spend the day at home as a family. Make sure you take time for yourself as a couple too! Have a romantic evening, just the two of you. This helps when you are feeling down during the separation, to remember the fun you had and will have when they return!
DURING DEPLOYMENT
KEEP BUSY:
Find something that means a lot to you. A hobby, a job, take some classes,
do something you wouldn't do if your loved one wasn't deployed.
MAKE NEW FRIENDS:
Try to make friends with the other spouses in your unit also going through
the same deployment. Become active on base, in your church or community, do
volunteer work. Invest lots of time in your children. Go to museums,
parks, dinner out once a week (even if it is just a picnic). If you are
not near any military folks, use your computer to reach out and make
keypals, and go to the military chats.
KEEP IN TOUCH:
Write lots of letters and be creative! The deployed person wants to know as
much detail of your days as possible, though do try to keep whining and
complaining to a minimum. (that goes for both sides) Try using a comedic
slant for your letters, or write with an accent. Take a whole day in
pictures then encase them in a photo album,
write the letter on slips of paper to include in the margins describing what
is happening in the photos.
Send lots of care packages! Once again be creative! Send anything from
baked goods, video tapes, to quirky souveinirs that have no meaning but to
the two of you.
If you both have access to computers:
E-mail is a great way to stay in close touch! The deployed spouse can get
free e-mail from HOT MAIL that lets them access it from any computer, any
where, any time.
Meeting in chat rooms or by way of POW WOW (which is private) is also great!
Even the kids can chat with the missing parent, and POWWOW'S text to speech
reads phonetically, so even if the parent doesn't understand what the kids
wrote, the computer will say it so they understand! If the deployed person
can't download a chat software program, there are loads of places on the net
that do not require downloads.
Splurge on phone calls when you can. It is very good to hear each others voice.
KIDS:
DADDY / MOMMY BOOKS
What I do is follow Daddy and the kids around before a long trip and take a
lot of pictures. But then, if you know me, you know I always have my camera
in my purse or pocket and start snapping at the strangest times in the
strangest places. Anyways, you get a lot of pictures of the soon to be
absent parent and child doing normal daily routine activities, brushing
teeth, reading stories, etc....try to get an entire day of the parent and
child together. Then take the doubles (we all get double prints don't we?)
and put them in a hand held photo album. The child now has his / her own
little book and will always have Mommy / Daddy near!
DADDY / MOMMY KISSES
When ever you have to leave your child, you kiss them and hug them right? Of
course you do! Well kiss the palms of their hands too! Several times if
need be! These are "kisses to keep" and are self replenishing! Meaning once you do this, they
never run out! So any time your child feels lonely, you tell them they need
only "Kiss" their CLEAN hand and it will be a kiss from the missing parent!
This works for grand parents too! They always have a special gift! A hand
full of kisses! You can also have them wrap their hands around themselves
in a bear hug, then you wrap your arms around theirs and hug them tight!
These are "Hugs by the Arm fulls" ! Also self replenishing!
NIGHTLY ROUTINE
Establish a nightly routine while the missing parent is gone. Talk about
what you think the missing parent is doing right now...*HINT* in our house
Daddy is thinking about us and doing the same things! "Read" the Mommy /
Daddy book (tell what is happening in each picture), and end with one of the
"Hugs" and "Kisses".
If my kids are any indication of the norm, this makes the separation much
easier for them to endure.
These ideas were sent in from Sgt Mom! Thanks!
My husband left last July for a remote to Korea. It has been hard, but
keeping and making new friends has been a godsend!! I ended up having my
appedix out while he was gone and couldn't have made it without them!!
KEEP BUSY!! Do your things and even volunteer yourself to others in the
same boat. It's a great strees reliever, believe it or not and you usually
get big warm fuzzies!! Plus,you never know when you may need a favor, they
will be more likely to extend a helping hand!! One more month and
counting!! Keep the kids writing to them and viseversa. Jokes are a big
help, too. I exchange jokes with all my e-mail pals even if they are my
neighbor and also my hubby. It's nice to have snail and e-mail. Send lots
of pics, even if they are rated G. There are numerous other ideas, too.
This was sent in from Chris Dyson from GA.
Copyright (c) 1997 Marilyn Pribus. It is illegal to
reproduce or distribute this work in any manner or
medium without written permission of the author, e-
mail: pribus@compuserve.com.
This version of this story appeared in
MARRIED TO THE MILITARY, a special section of the
Army/Navy/Air Force Times on 5/19/97.
KEEPING CLOSE TIES WHILE A PARENT IS AWAY
by Marilyn Pribus
It's many years since my husband was on his
remote tour and our sons and I were adrift in a
civilian sea in (this is absolutely true) West
Henrietta, New York.
A long term separation isn't like a business trip
of a week or two. It's different from a death, too,
because adjustments must be permanent rather than
temporary. But when a military parent is gone for a
long time, there are two periods of adjustment -- first
to the absence and then to the reunion.
Our boys were in elementary school when my husband
Glenn was away for an endless year. Although
I quite literally counted the days until his return, I
was apprehensive at the same time because I'd noticed
that for some families, readjustments upon the parent's
return were almost as traumatic as the absence.
I had time to plan and to ask for advice, but I
didn't know what to ask. Two months into the separation
I wrote a letter pleading for help which was published
in the Army/Navy/Air Force Times. I was touched to
receive many responses with a variety of strategies
that had worked for other families. They worked for us,
and now I'd like to pass the favor along to others.
BEFORE THE DEPARTURE
Your primary goal is to keep the distant parent
and the children in close, real contact with each
other. Emphasize how much the departing parent cares
for them and will dislike not being physically with
you, although you will still be a family.
*Tell the kids. Unless they are very small, tell
them well ahead of time, underscoring the fact that the
parent must go. Have several especially good family
times to recall. Arrange some one-on-one special times
with each child, and be sure to offer frequent and
strong reassurances of love.
*Take snapshots and videos of the parent doing
ordinary things around home -- making tacos, washing
the car, playing catch. These will be especially
valuable for young children with short visual memories.
Play the videos often -- perhaps just a few minutes at
a time -- and post the pictures where they can be seen
frequently.
*Have a special gift. One man gave his eleven-
year-old daughter a locket which she wore day and
night. My husband gave each of our sons a scrap book.
His drawings of his jeep, instant photos of him with
friends, and even foreign language laundry tickets were
mounted in the books to be enjoyed over and over.
TIME GOES BY
If you know how long the separation is going to
be, start a count down. For very young children, you
can even make time "visible."
*One family created three paper chains with each
link numbered. One was 1-365 for the days, the second
had 52 for the weeks, and the third 12 for the months.
The chains were festooned around the kitchen and each
day they mailed the appropriate links to Dad. At the
end of a month, he'd get three -- one each for the day,
week and month.
*We made a Big Day Chart of about twenty-five
special occasions such as Thanksgiving, birthdays, and
the last day of school. The smaller number was not so
overwhelming and we made a real ceremony of crossing
out the days. After a long month with no progress, we
zapped Valentine's Day, President's Day, and Grandpa's
birthday in less than a week!
IT'S ALL ON TAPE
We had twin cassette recorders at each end of
those thousands of miles and just about wore them out.
*Keep the parent's voice. Put some books on tape
so the children can still be "read" to. Do several
tapes ahead of time so you can bring out a new one from
time to time.
*Keep it candid. Set the mike on a table or the
floor or hide it in the centerpiece. People are more
spontaneous when they aren't actually holding a mike
and casual family conversation makes better listening
than self-conscious speeches. I taped the dog barking,
the clock chiming, and -- Glenn's absolute favorite --
the boys laughing.
*Talk to a picture. Very young children
especially, can do better speaking to a photograph of
the faraway parent.
*Keep it handy and be sure everyone can use it.
The mother of a two-year-old put colored tape on the
buttons -- green for go, red for stop -- so her son
could record whenever he wanted. Encourage short
messages from everyone the absent parent knows, family
members, neighbors, the baby sitter.
*"Happy Birthday to You." My husband sent a
special tape singing the birthday song, reciting poems,
and relating anecdotes about the birthday boy when he
was little.
*Number, please. By placing the mike right next to
the telephone receiver you can record conversations.
There are also inexpensive telephone mikes. If the
parent is within telephone range, earmark part of your
budget for long distance and record the calls to hear
again. Even if nothing important is said, the sound of
the parent's voice offers a sort of audible hug.
MISERY IS AN EMPTY MAILBOX: SNAIL MAIL/E-MAIL
*Whatever sort of mail you use, try to send
something every day. The more often you write, the
easier it is.
*Have a bunch of envelopes all stamped and ready
to go. Blow a buck on some of those return labels and
use them as a real time saver to address letters.
*Write letters on the back of the kid's school
work. Invite them to draw pictures of what's going on
at home. Include cartoons and newspaper clippings.
*Keep a stack of pre-addressed post cards.
(Remember those little address labels.) Have them handy
for the kids to use. Hand them out to friends. I sent
our Christmas cards early and included a post card
addressed to Glenn in each one. He loved hearing from
all our friends.
*Be sure the distant parent is stocked with post
cards, too, so a child can get an individual message
from time to time.
*Say "Cheese!" Dispatch lots of pictures (and
videos if possible) in both directions. Unless you look
truly ill, send every one, even the out-of-focus number
that shows your double chin. Stop at a $1 photo machine
in the mall. Glenn got an especially big kick out of a
photocopy of the boys' hands we did at the library one
afternoon.
*If the absent parent will have e-mail access, be
sure the family does, too. Even an inexpensive used
computer with a slow modem can open the world of e-
mail to you.
*Never whine on-line. If you've written in anger
or about a problem, wait until morning and reread your
message before you dispatch it. This is true for snail
mail, too, but somehow e-mail can get away from you
more easily.
TALK, TALK, TALK.
Talk about the absent parent a lot, mentioning pet
peeves, favorite pastimes, hobbies and habits. You
might say, for instance, "Dad always likes to make
lasagna." (Or, "It there's one thing Mom hates, it's
lasagna.")
Sometimes I'd comment that I was wearing a sweater
Daddy had bought me for my birthday or that he liked
apple pie even more than blueberry. I'd bring his
opinions into the conversation whenever I could. That,
more than any else, perhaps, kept him real.
When Glenn finally returned we spent very little
time getting reacquainted and that was good. A year out
of our lives was a long time, and to find that we could
settle right into our own comfortable relationships
without tense readjustments and personal strain was
satisfying indeed.
-30-
Marilyn Pribus and her now-retired Air Force husband
live near Sacramento, California.
The first thing I thought of as a survival skill was to be involved with the
units family support group before anyone is deployed. If you involve
yourself long before a deployment then you have established the support
system and friendships that will encourage and sustain you through the
deployment. Not to mention that if preparation for homecoming begins at the
time of deployment you are very busy making plans and time tends to go by
faster. The support you find within the military community far surpasses
anything that you would find in the civilian community. When my hubby was
deployed I found that I would get frustrated with well meaning family and
friends who tried to compare their hubbys business trip for a week to my
hubbys deployment that lasted 6 months or more. One last thing, it is my
humble opinion that unless there is a serious reason, the service members
wife/hubby and family should remain in there home during deployment. I was
ombudsman for my hubbys squadron for 2yrs and saw the effect separation from
a spouse combined with separation from a good military support system can
have on a marriage. Surround yourself with people who really understand what
you are going through, they will be your greatest source of strength when
you are getting discouraged. Sincerely, Michelle
I also heard, if you fill a jar with Hershey kisses, one for each day gone, then there is a kiss a day from dad, and
the less kisses left, the fewer days till he comes home!! Since my son is only 3, I am going to try that for him. Also, since my husband is on a carrier, he
found a kid oriented video on carriers for my son to watch. That way he has an idea of where dad is. Submitted by Jennifer
I am an Air Force brat, and when my dad was sent to Taiwan and Viet Nam
my mom did everything she could to keep Dad in our minds and prayers at
all times. Your "Deployment" page brought back a ton of memories for
me. One thing we were fortunate enough to be able to do was to move
back close to grandparents. I lived 28 steps from Grandma and Grandpa's
kitchen door, and 15 miles from Gran and Grandad. We included Dad in
everything with a camera or taperecorder (they were reel-to-reel
then!). The last thing I did before going to bed every night was to
write to Dad and give my letter to Mom to mail with hers and then pray
for his safety and quick return. Dad saved all those letters and
pictures and tapes, and even now he gets misty-eyed, as do the rest of
us, when we go through these things. And all his grandkids beg to do so
every time they're at Dad's house! Those letters and tapes and pictures
and stories are the only way they know their great-grandparents and they
love to see their dad or mom when they were little! Thanks for letting
me share this with you....
Submitted by Linda Haston Holzgraf
HOMECOMING
Homecoming can be very joyous as well as very overwhelming. Joyous because your loved on is finally home and that is a great feeling! Overwhelming because during the separation you have your way of doing things and they have theirs. There will be an adjustment period where you all have to get used to each other again. Here are some ways to help the transition a little easier:
COMMUNICATE
Yes, there is that COMMUNICATE word again. You need to make sure that you are honest with how you feel as well as how your spouse feels. It is important to keep those communication lines open!
GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN
Take the time to get to know each other again, as a family and as a couple. Do something as a family like a picnic or playing a game at home. As a couple, have a romantic night out. Don't get upset if things don't go the way you expect, remember you have changed as well as your spouse. In time things work out!!
KIDS ROUTINES
Sit down and let your spouse know your kids routines, as they have been gone for awhile and things probably changed while they were away. This helps keep the kids from playing on parent against the other. Also helps the parent who was away to ease back into being the parent again.
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