The LaTeSt AnD tHe GrEatEsT nEwS...fRoM bOB
LAST UPDATED (AT THE BOTTOM): 10/18/01
Greetings, fellow human beings...this is Bob talking.
Stay tuned as I tell you the news...all about my life. Who cares about the rest of the world? They stink!! I smell limburger...stupid ants!! well, anyway...
*recently in early July, I attended the Annual National Lumberjack's Convention in Antarctica. I'm not a lumberjack in any way, shape, or form, however that was ok because there weren't really any trees there. I just wanted to see if I could get some maple syrup for my pancakes. Unfortunately, I found myself at the mercy of an overaffectionate penguin...and that's all I have to say about that.
*Last week, I went to Hawaii to some coconuts and beach umbrellas. The coconuts were perfect, and I was able to make a delicious coconut drink with them and some McCain's fruit juice I bought at Save-On-Foods. However, the beach umbrellas were far too big to fit in my glass. I was extremely disappointed.
*The other day, I went out with Dorothy. She said I was a studmuffin. I guess that's better than a potato pancake.
*Yesterday I wrote my first poem. It went something like this *ahem*:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You know green eggs and ham?
Well they smell like you.I am rather proud of it, although I feel that it is too nice. Send all comments/criticisms/death threats to bobs_fish@hotmail.com. Ha ha.
*I have decided to see what it is like to be a homey-G. Therefore, I am wearing my pants down to my knees. In traditional homey style, of course. And I also have one of the legs rolled up to my knee. Makes for a pretty interesting pair of pants. I think that perhaps homeys are related to ants. At least in brain size, anyway. Well, that's all I have to say about that. Lates, homeys.
*I am seriously considering re-purchasing the state of Minnesota in conjunction with my plans to smuggle turkeys from there into Canada for my turkey farm. I plan to have my ants dig a tunnel all the way from Canada to Minnesota in order to get the turkeys into the country with great ease...WHAT??? You mean it's ILLEGAL!?!?! Stupid ants...it's all their fault! oh boy, I'll get them one day...
*I am right now -yes, right this second- on the search for Lost Doritos. Yes, ladies and germs, that means any lost, bruised, or stolen Doritos. Especially the delectable Mocha Cappuchino Doritos for people who were told by their doctors to lay off the caffeine. Or the worm Doritos for people who don't feel loved. Or Chucky Cheese Doritos for those giant mice types. So far, I haven't found any. But I'm keeping an eye out.
*Today I found an appendix at the side of the road. I put it in a jar and watered it, but so far it hasn't grown an inch.
*It's been almost a week and my appendix still hasn't grown an inch. However, it has turned an interesting shade of green...
*I was the first man in the world to discover a rare species of antelope...the Great Pink Herd...
*I called my Mommy for the first time in 18 years...she was extremely shocked and pleased to hear from me...so pleased that she threatened to call the cops and hung up.
*I saw stars today...yes, in the daytime. It was after I got hit in the head with a piano. I don't know how the two are connected, unless the piano eclipsed the sun as it fell. Or something.
*My appendix grew an millitmetre when I was in Antarctica. I measured it with my Ronald McDonald growth chart. I just hope it's not cancerous.
*I have discovered that I like crackers and green cheese.
*I have decided to start another farm -no, not another turkey farm!!!- a giant pickle farm...
*I went to a flea market the other day and acquired a used flea circus...it's rather fun, but I think that the ants are jealous...dumb ants...
*Ok, folks, so it's been about a month since I last updated...so sorry...but...Julie's birthday is on October 13th, and I'm thinking of getting her a new kitchen sink...so yeah...it's made of plastic so it melts when you put hot water in it...but whatever. That's all I have to say about that...oh...except, if any of you would like to chip in, send all donations in the form of Doritos to me, and I'll take all the credit for getting her the sink...yeah...
*the other day I bought a secondhand bin of armadillos at Value Village...it's great fun...yeah...that's all I have to say about that for now.
*October 13, 1999...Julie is 18 years old and in the antfarmian culture, this means that she is now old enough to curdle milk unsupervised. Congratulations, Julie. Anyone for some poutine?? ...Oh yeah. I sang Happy Birthday to Julie. I'm proud to say I was the only one. HAHA, suckers!! Although...she didn't appear to be all THAT pleased...hmmm...
*I have just heard from an unimpeachable source that I was a very, very disturbed child...whatever that means.
*I snuck along with Julie to the MxPx show last night. I have never ever been THAT smushed-up close to another human being's ear wax before...Yes, yes, I am human. Yes, yes, I said ear wax. Some guy shoved his ear practically up my nose. Lucky Julie just got his shoulder in her face. No, no...I didn't take the ants. They could have got squashed. But I should've. Darn it. Oh no, wait...I forgot. Charlie of course snuck along inside my shoe...he lost his head. R.I.P for the 10th time, Charlie.
*Today I stuck a fish bowl on my head and named it Herbie. The people from the funny farm thought it was a rather nice name for a fish bowl.
*I recently found a llama and adopted him. He was out at the potato farm, all all alone...what do you mean, doing what?!?! he was picking potatoes!!! what else do you do at a potato farm?!?! So, anyway...I named him Odufus after Julie's sister...don't ask.
*If anybody knows who Lucas is, will you please let me know!??!
*Julie has a boyfriend. I can't believe it. Can you? This is crazy...I need some peanuts...
*Julie's boyfriend is weird. He cut his own hair and looks like he just had multiple brain surgery operations. Don't ever get coffee from Starbucks, folks...
*At the moment, I'm having a battle of wits with Ted Butter...I'm winning, of course...but he did write a decent insulting poem about me. I think I'll post it here:
BOB
You are so very stupid,
You make my brain hurt with your dumb words,
Your donkey must be tired of thinking for you,
As this is obviously where you brain is located.
You remind me of my old pet Duck,
Who was deprived of Air at birth.
He was a very stupid Duck,
Much like you, if you had been born a Duck.
Stop your insane quacking!
Stop it I say!
I said Stop!!!!
Oh, I'm sorry Ducky, I didn't mean to throw my Guitar at you.
Maybe if I hit you with my guitar,
I will knock the smartness back into your stupid brain.
But where your brain is currently located,
It would require me "Kicking your @$$"
This Can be Arranged.
~©2000, Ted Butter's Poems.
*This is Ted Butter: a freak with a 3rd triangular brow. 
***This is Bob talking again. I have been off planet on vacation for the past year and a half, visiting the cats on Europa. They greatly appreciated the Chuck E. Cheese Doritos I brought them, especially after I left the moon. However, I think they may have performed some sort of operation on me...
Well, that's all the news I have for now. Stay tuned for the next update on my life, which will be whenever I get around to it. Bye.
