El Bucko
"ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! I'm tired of it!" BOOM...CRUNCH. The bar door blew open into little splinters. Buck stomped out of the alchoholic establishment stormin' and a-steamin'. He was going to make his-self a disturbance. OH YES! "CRACK!" "Thud." some kid riding a tricycle fell to the sidewalk bloody and twitching. "Feelin' good, feelin' good!" Buck was makin' tracks to the rail station. "BLAP!" Buck chuckled as he clocked a street mime. "Guy had it comin'" Buck stopped in front of the station.
The big clock read 11:56. "Just in time to stop a train." A big smile crossed his tanned, bearded face as he moseyed over to the tracks. He pulled a big fat peso from his alligator pants. He giggled again as he placed it on the train tracks, directly in the path of the noon o' clock train. He stepped back to admire his fool proof, diabolical plan. He crossed his arms like most tough guy types would at this part of the story and waited.
Well by and by the train come along and the conductor sees the peso and yells,"Oh my sweet Moses!" The people all around the station stopped to see what was amiss. Once Buck's scheme was discovered by the townfolk they began to faint one-by-one. "AHH!" Thud. "EeeK!" Plop. "For shame!" Honk. "It can't be!" Splat. They were droppin' like flies left and right. Buck knew that he'd set off the first in a long chain of events.
The Next Day
Newspaper Headline: CATASTROPHE! A large multi-injury boo boo happened yesterday at the town's rail station. According to eye witnesses it had something to do with a circus train, riots, fire and a peso. More to come on the channel 4 6 o'clock news. "HA, HA, HA." laughed Buck as he crumpled the newspaper and tossed it into the potbelly stove. "FOOLS!" he exclaimed, "All of em! Fools! HA, Ha, HA, HA, Ha!"
Later That Night
"Yee Haw!" whooped Buck as he danced in the moonlight behind the corral. All his livestock watched as he pranced around in nothing but his bear-skin chaps and his snake-skin boots. He was celebrating early. "Free whisky fer all!" he yelled as he fed the hogs some beer. After about 35 minutes of this the drunken animals began to join in his merriment. By the end of the night eveyone went back to the barn with a 'new friend', even Buck.
The Very Next Morning.
"Oohhhhhhhh...Wilikers. What happened?" Buck awoke in head-pounding confusion. His vision began to clear. "Well what're you doin' here Bessie?" "MOO!"
That Afternoon
"Alright! Listen here! Dis a stickup!" Buck appeared in the county bank, face bandana-ed and guns raised high in the air. Just then Buck felt a pair of warm arms slip around his waist. At first he was startled, but as the pair of hands became friendlier he smiled. He turned around to meet this mystery broad that had made him feel nice from behind. "Good Lord lady! Yer as fat n' ugly as my Ma!" Cried Buck as he began to take on a horrible illness. "I'm sorry mister." the pink spandex-wearing howler said with her finger in the corner of her mouth, blushing,"you did say this was a stickup didn't ya?" Buck's jaw dropped. He quickly turned around and ran from the bank, screaming like a school girl.
"Mah plan failed!" Cursed Buck as he slammed his army commando knife into the wooden table. Next time I will not be so easily defeated...I'll show everybody. DO YOU HEAR ME!? Everybody will know MY WRATH! E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! !"
Next Morning
"Yawn." Buck scratched his crotch as he picked up his list of things to do today off of the coffee table. "Damn. Out of all the days the missus coulda picked ta send me to da General Store! Damn, damn damn."
Store
Buck whistled as he pushed his cart around the store. "Lettus, check! Onions, check! Patatahs, check! Get yer stupid butter, check! An the dumb ol' milk, check! And some freakin' cheese! CHECK! Huf, puff, huff, puf." Grocery shopping on a day like this just got the better of Buck. He couldn't handle it any more. He began to spin around in circles, vien-bulging mad. The cart lifted off the ground as it gained speed. "GREAT TARHOOTIES!" He yelled as the grocery cart became air-borne. "ZOOM!" The cart flew through the air and took out a couple of shoppers. It flew high! It flew fast! It flew angry! It flew directly into a display of dishwashing liquid stacked as high as the sky. Thumpcrash, topple, tic, tic, tic BOOM!!! The whole side of the store blew to hell as the volatile dish soap chemicals became disrupted from thier tower by the flaming cart.
"WELL, WELL, WELL...what'vewegothere?" said a deep and all-powerful voice,"Hmmm. Seems you've been a bad boy Buck. That's a no no. Do you have anything to say in your defense?" Satan grabbed Buck by the neck and looked him in the eye. "I didn't think so." A sizzle on the red-hot rocks could be heard below as Buck wet himself.
"HA, HA, HA, Ha, HA!!!...Toss him in the stove with the rest of 'em! NEXT!"
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