* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

* Your children begin to look middle-aged.

* Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

* You look forward to a dull evening.

* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

* You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

* Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

* You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

* Your back goes out more than you do.

* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

* You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

* You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

* You wear black socks with sandals.

* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

* You got cable for the Weather Channel.

* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.

* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

* You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

* Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell
the same story for the zillionth time.

* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

* You sing along with the elevator music.