The Mysteries of Human Mating Rituals
Basic Disclaimer: Paramount created Star Trek: Voyager and all characters. I do not own any of this, I'm just borrowing it for the purpose of this story.
Copyright October 1999
Dedicated to everyone who made this story possible.
Author's Notes: This is my forst finished challenge. What did Tom and B'Elanna fight about that led to him giving her roses in the episode 'Someone To Watch Over Me'? Seven's logs are used throughout the story.
"Stardate 52647, 1000 hours: More quarreling. Subject of hostilities: Unknown"
"B'Elanna, will you listen to yourself?" Tom Paris shouted desperately. "You're yelling at me for no reason!"
"No reason? You call being a self-centered pig ‘no reason'?!" she yelled angrily, throwing her hands up wildly.
"You always accuse me of being a self-centered pig, but at least half the time you're civil about it!" he yelled back. His anger level was rising rapidly. He and B'Elanna had been at it now for over an hour now, arguing for a reason that was obscured to Tom. He had no clue why B'Elanna was yelling and hurling insults at him. Then again, what else was new?
"Yeah, well maybe I'm not in a civil mood right now!" she yelled, spinning on her heels and marching into her sleeping quarters.
"What are you doing?" he asked impatiently, placing his hands on his hips and trying to peer into her room.
"Trying to find something heavy to throw at you, you a—ow!" she cried suddenly. "Sh—ow!" Tom narrowed his eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing that would concern you," she growled. She returned, limping slightly. "You should know by now, Tom, that I refuse to put up with this kind of thing from you," she said, resuming the argument.
Exasperated, Tom threw his hands in the air. "What kind of behavior? Care to fill me in?" he was so sick of playing this game with her. It was a never-ending circle.
"Oh, as if you don't know!"
"I don't!"
***
*Crash!*
Seven of Nine stood a safe distance from the entrance to Lieutenant Torres' quarters, PADD in hand. Was it customary for mates to throw breakable objects at each other? It certainly seemed to be the case for this particular couple.
"Stardate 52647 10020 hours: A boisterous crash has occurred from the inside of the female's quarters,"
***
"Dammit," Tom hissed as he backed into the table, sending a lamp crashing to the floor. B'Elanna reentered the room and surveyed the damage on the floor. She rolled her eyes and disappeared back into her sleeping quarters.
"Anyway, like I was saying," she continued, oblivious to Tom on the floor sweeping up pieces of glass. "I'm sick of trying to put on a civil act for everyone. I mean I AM half Klingon!" she said, returning to help Tom with the glass.
That was the last straw. Tom hastily rose, almost knocking B'Elanna on her butt. "B'Elanna! I am sick of you taking every mood swing and pissy attitude and blaming it on your Klingon side! You keep looking over the convenient little fact that the other half of you is -human-!" he roared.
B'Elanna stood and glared at him. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She bit the inside of her cheek and took a step back from him. He instantly realized what he'd done. "B'Elanna..I—" he began.
"No," she said quietly. "Don't bother," she brushed past him quickly and ran out the doors of her quarters. She jogged down the corridor, oblivious to Tom frantically calling her name.
***
Tom headed back to B'Elanna's quarters, hoping she had returned to them. He wanted nothing more than to apologize to her. He knew he had hurt her with his last comment. But it was the truth.. *That's not the point, Tom* he scolded himself. *There was no point in hurting her!*
He reached her quarters and pressed the chime button. He waited patiently for the door to open. It finally did, and B'Elanna called out, "Tom, what is it?"
"I wanted to talk to you," he began. But she interrupted.
"So you could call me selfish again?" she demanded, stepping out side into the corridor. "I don't think so. You can go now," she said evenly, turning to reenter her room. But Tom grabbed her upper arm and spun her around.
"I don't think so, B'Elanna. First of all, I never called you selfish, and second of all—"
"Stop right there. Take your hands off of me," she demanded. He complied, but continued to stare her down. "I'm not going to listen to you defending your actions. I said, you can leave now," she said, her voice steely as she disappeared into her quarters.
***
Tom walked down the hallway holding a bouquet of roses in his hand. His heart was hammering in his chest and he hoped she'd let him in. Just as he had hoped, he encountered no one on the way over there. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of her quarters. He looked at the beautiful bouquet of white roses in his hand and felt his hope soar. He pressed the door chime and took a step back. The doors slid open and B'Elanna stepped out.
"Tom, what are you doing here? How many times do I have to get rid of you?" she demanded. Her gaze traveled to the flowers in his hand. "Tom..they're beautiful," she murmured.
"They're for you," he said, handing them to her. "B'Elanna, I'm so sorry. I was way out of line. Can you forgive me?" he asked, searching her eyes for any sign of forgiveness. Her face softened at his beseeching tone.
"I think you can be forgiven this time, helmboy," she joked taking his hand. "Do you want to come in?"
"Stupid question," he answered slyly.
***
"Stardate 52647, 1400 hours: Subjects quarrel in corridor outside female's quarters. Male returns with 12 flowering plant stems–species rosa rubifolia–effecting a cessation of hostilities,"
***
B'Elanna wrapped her exposed body in a blanket that lay discarded at the foot of the bed. She stood despite a complaint from Tom, and headed to the replicator. She was starving. Licking her lips as a bowl of ice cream appeared, she returned to the bed.
"You know.." Tom began, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, "there are other uses for ice cram and hot fudge."
***
"Stardate 52648, 0300 hours: Intimate relations resume,"
***
"Enjoying the view?" B'Elanna asked Seven with deceptive civility.
"Explain." Seven replied.
"You've been staring at us all night. In fact, you were following us yesterday when we were walking to Engineering—and the day before when I was waiting for Tom outside the shuttle bay!" she exclaimed, clipping her words as she spoke.
"You are correct. I have been observing you. It is part of my research on human mating behavior."
B'Elanna's eyes widened and her face flushed with anger. Tom, still sitting away from the catfight, blushed noticeably. B'Elanna grabbed one of the PADDs and began to read. "‘Stardate 52647, 1400 hours: subjects quarrel in corridor.." she continued to read aloud. She stopped at the end of the entry and gazed at Seven with amazing calmness. Turning her attention back to the PADD, she continued. "‘Stardate 52648, 0300 hours: Intimate relations resume...'"
B'Elanna's anger was amazing. She crumbled the PADD in her hand and gazed lividly at Seven. "Hot the HELL do you know when we're having intimate relations?!"
"There is no one on Deck 9, Section 12 that DOESN'T know when you're having intimate relations," Seven replied in a perfect deadpan.
At that moment, both Seven and Neelix arrive in an effort to preserve life and limb."is there a problem?" Neelix asked, noting the crumbled PADD in B'Elanna's hand as well as the death glare in her eye. Tom positioned himself behind and beside B'Elanna, not wanting to be injured if she made a dive for Seven.
"I want all the data you've collected," B'Elanna seethed.
"I haven't completed my study," Seven protested, rising to her feet.
"Then study this," B'Elanna said with a look of malicious mirth on her face. Her voice was deceptively calm. She smiled slightly, but it was the kind of smile that meant you had better run. Fast. "‘Borg provokes Klingon. Klingon breaks Borg's nose.'"
"B'Elanna!" Neelix gasped, horrified.
"Call Sickbay. Tell them there's about to be a medical emergency."
Tom looked between the two women. B'Elanna was dangerously angry. "B'Elanna, let's go have a nightcap," he suggested, taking her by the arm. He was desperately hoping she wouldn't take out her anger on him. She glared at Seven one more time before letting Tom to carry her away. "This time, you've crossed the line."
In the corridor, Tom regarded B'Elanna with caution. "She's just curious," he said. B'Elanna's glare made him add, "B'Elanna, I'm mad too. Believe me. Our intimate life is supposed to be private," she agreed with a vigorous nod of her head. "But Seven is..Seven. She's just trying to understand things."
"I know. Can we just go get that nightcap? I really feel like hitting something right now, and I -really- don't want it to be you!"
***
"So, in conclusion, I have learned that humans have a very odd system of mating. They engage in physical abuse, including throwing objects at each other. They then seem to ‘make up' with a gift, followed by a cession of intimate relations that can last well into the night."
"I also learned that when they realize that someone else knows about their relations, they can become aggressive and boisterous."
"I do not believe that I wish to engage in any of these human mating rituals. Quite frankly, I see no point in subjecting oneself to such..curious behavior," Seven concluded.
Janeway chuckled from her seat in her conference room. "Seven, you must understand that all relationships are not like this. Tom and B'Elanna have a much more..different and complicated relationship than other people. But, thank you for your time and dedication to this project. That is all," Janeway said, dismissing her.
"It was my pleasure, Captain."
T
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By: Alicia Torres
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