Part 17
Sonny was on his way out, desperate to leave this place. He heard Luke, 
but didn't stop to acknowledge his once-best friend. He needed to leave. Everything was 
mixing; getting so confused. he needed to get out, get things clear, at least get away 
before  he broke.
Luke wasn't far away and easily caught up to Sonny as he waited for the 
elevator. He took one look at Sonny and knew something was very wrong. The hurt, the pain, 
the  guilt, the fear he saw in the eyes of a man he was once so close too were too much; 
more  than he had ever seen in them before. He reached out cautiously, halting Sonny's 
hand as it reached out to press the elevator-call yet another time.
Luke: Hey man, how's Caroline?
Sonny looked at Luke for a moment. God, how could he be so selfish. 
Hearing her name made things start to clear. Being reminded of her, made him realize he 
was lying to himself. He wasn't running from the confusion, or even the pain. He was 
running fro her.  It hurt like hell, but it was fear that overrode all else. The fear that 
he would lose her. His mind was in constant turmoil. -She said she'll always have faith in 
me....but  will she still now that I've failed her? He didn't know what to think. She had him, his 
heart, his soul, all of him, and there was no way he could imagine his life without her. 
he knew he couldn't take her rejection, but he also knew he deserved it. He loved 
her, needed her, ached for her, but couldn't even face her. How was he going to tell her 
what  he had done?
Luke: Hey partner--Sonny, what's going on?
Sonny noticed Luke staring at hi, and felt another burden of guilt start 
to creep its way back out. He looked at the man who had once been like a brother to him; a 
man he still respected and loved, with deep sorrow.
Sonny: I'm so sorry man (he choked out).
Luke inhaled sharply as he felt tears start to threaten. Where were  *they* 
coming from he wondered. Even if he expected the worst (which he did, life had thrown 
too much at him, for him not too), it wasn't like he-Man who was he kidding? You've loved 
that girl from the start and you know it his heart told him (damn the old ticker's been right 
entirely too much tonight he thought).
Luke: What is it? Caroline's not...
Sonny: No, thank God,. No, she's sleeping right now. She doesn't even 
know what happened; what I let happen.
Laura had collected her things and was all set to go, but she thought 
she'd give Luke and Sonny a few minutes, but now it looked as though they were getting into a 
heavy conversation, and she wasn't sure she wanted to deal with all that stuff 
tonight. So, she made her way to them, prepared to say bye to Luke for the night (but not 
for  long she thought happily).
Laura: Hey Sonny.
She didn't quite know what to say to the man. The had once been friends. 
He had been like family. She had loved him at one point, but she had also hated him 
at one.
Sonny: Hi Laura.
Laura: I heard Carly was brought in (and fro the looks of you things 
aren't  good she thought). How is she?
Sonny: She's asleep right now.
God Laura, please don't ask more. He couldn't deal with this, not now. 
Having to hear how he deserved to lose his child because of all the people he'd killed, 
her son included.
Laura: Is everything okay?
She couldn't help but care.
Sonny shook his head solemnly, feeling he'd lose it if he said the words. 
Laura: Sonny, what is it?
Sonny: I let him kill my baby. (he said quietly to no one in particular).
Laura could tell he was trying hard not to cry. His pain was so raw and 
strong, she couldn't help but give into the urge to reach out to him. She tried to 
understand what was going on as they embraced. As she held in her arms a man who was clearly 
in a great deal of pain and yet trying hard to hide it, she realized she needed this 
embrace as much as he did. It was one of both sympathy and forgiveness, and she knew forgiving 
Sonny was something she had needed to do for a long time now. 
They spoke in near whispers as Luke keenly observed the exchange.
Laura: Who killed your baby Sonny?
Sonny: AJ
Luke felt fury when he heard that. He had wanted to ask Carly for details 
before, but then everything started happening and there was no time. The little weasel 
would pay, of this he was sure.
Laura untangled herself from Sonny and held only his hands.
Laura: Does Carly know?
Sonny dropped her hands.
Sonny: No.
He looked away.
Sonny: I'm supposed to tell her when she wakes up.
Laura: You know that probably won't be for a while. If you want, I'll 
wait with you for a bit.
She couldn't just leave him here like this. Besides it'd be nice to 
extend her time with Luke
(well, no one ever accused me of being a saint, she thought).
Luke: Yeah, we got a lot of catching up to do.
Luke couldn't believe how out of touch with everyone else's lives being 
consumed by pain and anger had made him. There was a time when he knew the details of 
everyone's life, now he couldn't even recognize his own. (well, that ain't nothing I can't 
fix, he thought).
Luke: Come on we can sit over there.

~Room 427
Carly had somehow thrown off her blanket and was awakened by a cill. She 
had only intended to groggily pull up the covers and go back to sleep, but that was 
before she noticed Sonny's absence. Her eyes shot open and panic set in. Where was 
he? Was he safe? Did he get out of that set up? (Yeah, he did, I saw him), but what 
if I only imagined it? She looked to where he had sat. She saw the envelope with her name 
on it in a hand writing that calmed her instantly. She smiled to herself. Who'd have 
ever thought a handwriting could make you so happy Caroline? she asked silently. Her 
smile faded as she remembered what the letter was a response to. She remembered what she had 
told him, and felt ashamed and afraid. These letters were their way of expressing 
their uninhibited feelings. She was scared of what he now thought of her knowing what he 
did, but she wanted to feel close to him as she tried to stay awake for his return. 
Besides she though, the worst words from him are far better than silence.

(~letter~)
Dear Carly,
I wanted to make this a much longer letter, but you leave me without 
words. (Plus, you set tonight as a deadline, and, well, I like to take my time with 
things, but then you already knew that). Do you see how crazy you make me? Carly, you asked 
me to respond to what you said in your letter, and so I will, just, you know, give me a 
minute here. Carly, that letter, it moved me. I'm honored that you trust me enough to tell me 
about yourself, to let me see into your past and your soul. No matter how many ugly things 
have  happened in your past Carly, I want you to know that your soul is absolutely 
beautiful. Now, I don't know if that's because of or despite...stuff, but you know what, it 
doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is you're amazing, and I'm thankful that you shared that 
with me. I know that first letter can't have been easy, it sure wasn't for me, not that I'm 
faring too much better on this one. I think that's just because the first one was about me, you 
know, and this one's about you. I guess when I talk about you I want to talk to you, but this 
works too. I want you to know, I'm sorry Carly. I'm sorry about what your 
mother's boyfriend did, about what that guy in Ferncliffe did, about what AJ did, about 
everything that's caused you pain. I know I used to say a lot of things about you Carly, 
but I was so wrong, and I'm sorry for that too. You were wrong too though, you know? You're 
not weak, not by a long shot. You're one of the strongest people I know. It wasn't 
your fault that any of that stuff happened to you. No child deserves to have their innocence 
stolen from them, no one deserves to be raped, no one deserves to be abused, and no one 
deserves to be victimized like that, least of all you. I don't know what to tell you 
other than I'm sorry, you didn't deserve any of it, it wasn't your fault; you're not weak. Yes, I 
know I'm repeating myself, but I also know you're just a little bit stubborn. 
I want you to know that there's no doubt in my mind that you'll do 
everything you can to protect our kids. Everything you've done up till now only further 
proves this, but Carly you don't have to fight your battles alone anymore. I'm here for 
you,  always, to keep you safe, to hold you, to ward off the bad dreams, to listen, to be 
whatever you need. Before you go there, no, not just because of the babies. I'll admit a 
month ago you'd have been right, but a lot's changed, and it's been about more than just the 
babies for a while now. It's about two people Carly, me and you, and the life we can build 
together. Wow, I never thought I'd be thinking about building a life with someone. I'm 
glad you're starting to feel safe with me Carly, because the truth is my life is better when I 
have you in it. It's like I was walking around so sad and lonely and angry I didn't notice anything. 
I'd look at things, but not see them, hear things, but not listen to them, touch 
things, but not feel them. You've changed that. You've changed so much in my life, and I know 
sometimes we get frustrated with each other, but I want you to know that I'm forever 
grateful for those changes. You make me want to live, and think that one day I can have a 
shot at reaching happiness. Hopefully one day we'll be able to chase our nightmares away 
and replace them with dreams of our happiness; together.

Part 18
Carly lay in bed staring at the papers in her hand. She looked at them blankly, not needing to read them to hear the words echo in her head. She thought of the small things first while her subconscious attempted to digest all that Sonny had said. She smiled as she thought of just how cute he was, and how he tried to throw in little jokes to keep from getting too serious. She wondered if he put those in for her or himself. She knew when she did it, it was more for herself. She didn't even bother wiping the tears she knew had been falling since she had started reading, she was too consumed by trying to take in the weight of Sonny's words.
She couldn't believe it. The things he said, the way he spoke right to her, knowing exactly what she needed to hear. They were things she had only dared to dream of, and even then, rarely. Well, sometimes, when she grew weary of the bad stuff; when she felt all alone, and needed to hold on to a dream, but she never thought, not in a million years, that she just might be right.
She could feel fresh tears of unbelievable happiness as she realized just what he was saying. That she wasn't weak, that it wasn't her fault...that she wasn't worthless. Could it be she had been wrong, all this time? Hell, it couldn't be the first time, she thought. But to
be wanted. Really wanted. Not just physically, but to be wanted emotionally; spiritually, to be wanted for being who she was, not in spite of it. For someone as good as Sonny, as amazing as him, to want her, and think so much of her was almost more than she could bear. After so many years of thinking differently, it was so hard to adjust, to shift her perception to fit his words. She knew it would take a long time, but liked taking her time because with each passing moment, she understood just a little bit more, and grew just a little bit happier. Just the possibility of it all, not even that he was right, but just that he could be right, meant so much to her. With each passing moment, a little more of the bitterness and pain faded and was replaced by tiny packages of hope and love. She knew the badness would always be there, the experiences that had shaped her would be with her
always, but to think that they didn't have to be all there was. That there could be happiness
and goodness too...
For him to say these things in a moment of passion, or as he looked at her was one thing, but for him to write them, to really own them. For him to share these things when there was no expectation, except that he be honest with her, and himself. She knew these letters were a way of seeing into his heart, but to find herself there, deep inside of him...she was at a loss, completely in awe of this man, this man who was slowly changing her life so unequivocally and wonderfully.
She wasn't sure how long it would take for her to realize that he was right about AJ, and Ferncliffe, and Sam, but for now she was content with his words of love, and the possibility of his being right. Just the possibility of the dream was enough.
She sighed as fatigue started to set in. She couldn't wait to see him. Where was he anyway? she wondered. She tried hard to fight off the sleep she knew was coming. She didn't want this moment to end. She wanted to remain waiting for him, simply bursting with happiness; Feeling like she could one day have that dream. Never in her life had anything come so easily and felt so right. In Florida, there had been just too much to deal with, with Jason she had always had to scheme, with AJ..no she didn't want to think about
AJ right now, but with Sonny...at first, they had tried so hard to fight it, but once they had
settled on being honest with themselves and each other, everything wonderful just flowed so easily. She yawned content with the prospect of seeing Sonny in the morning when, suddenly, her eyes grew wide with fear.
She looked down at the crimson creeping onto her blanket. She desperately pressed the Nurse-call button, praying. She could feel the fear overtaking her as if the spreading blood was slowly engulfing the hope that had just been so strong within her heart.
A nurse soon appeared and found a fear-stricken Carly.
Carly: I'm bleeding, my babies, please help my babies.
Carly was visibly shaken, as she stared out at nothing seeing only fallen hopes and fear.
Nurse: Okay, now you need to calm down, the doctor's on his way.
Carly: My babies, help my babies.
Carly was near hysterical, gone was the fatigue of moments ago.
A nervous young doctor enters.
Dr: Ms. Benson, my name's Dr. Mitchell, and I need you to be real strong and calm down for me so I can help you and your babies, okay? If they're in trouble, they need their mommy to be strong, okay?
Carly nodded dumbly, what had she done to her babies? Where was Sonny? She was so scared.
Carly's face had grown still paler as she squeezed her eyes shut and silently prayed for her
children, her former tears of happiness replaced by tears of fear.
She felt Dr. Mitchell gently touch her hand, and she opened her eyes.
Dr: Ms. Benson? Ms. Benson, I just wanted you to know that everything seems all right for now.
Carly: But the blood?
Dr: It seems it was just an after-effect of the earlier miscarriage. I'm terribly sorry for your
loss, but thankfully, this was just a false alarm. It seems it was just the expulsion of-
Carly: What do you mean the earlier miscarriage?
Dr: When you came in? Oh no, you didn't know? I'm so sorry ma'am. Perhaps you should discuss this with your regular physician, I know Dr. Meadows will be back in the morning.
Carly was shocked and confused by what the obviously flustered you man was telling her.
Carly: No, if there's something wrong with my babies, I need you to tell me now.
Dr: I'm terribly sorry Miss, it seems that the pain you experienced earlier this evening was due to the miscarriage of a fetus, I thought you knew.
Carly tried hard to remain composed, wanting to fully understand the situation.
Carly: Wait, so you're saying I'm not having twins anymore?
Doctor Mitchell looks a bit confused.
Dr: Actually, you are pregnant with twins now, you were initially pregnant with triplets. I'm so sorry, is there anyone I can call for you?
Carly: No, that's okay, thank you.
Doctor Mitchell held her hand for a moment.
Dr: I'm very sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?
Carly: The baby, was it a boy or a girl?
The doctor looked at the young mother laying in the bed, who could easily have been his own wife, with deep compassion, knowing he needed to do whatever he could to ease her pain.
Dr: I don't know, but I'll try to find out for you. You should really try not to fight the
sedatives, the other two babies need their mommy to be well-rested.
Carly could feel her coherence slipping away as she took in what the doctor had told her.
Carly: Yeah, thanks.
The doctor knew not what else to do for his patient, and so reluctantly left the room, after
instructing the nurse to increase Carly's sedative dosage since she was visibly distressed.
Nurse: What do you say, we change those sheets, come on honey.
Carly: Can you please just leave them?
Nurse: You'd feel much better, if you let me change them.
Carly: I don't deserve to feel better (Carly practically whispered), please just leave me alone.
Nurse: Okay, but how bout I bring you another blanket so you won't be cold?
The nurse lifted the blanket Carly had thrown off earlier up to Carly's hands, and left to find another.
Carly: Yeah.
Carly covered her face with her hands. She held her eyes shut with her fingertips, seeing only red. The red of the blood of her lost baby. She kept seeing the unmistakable red of blood overtaking the sterile white of the bedsheets and hearing the doctor's words, the miscarriage of a fetus...The miscarriage of a fetus? What he really meant was the murder of an innocent child. A child who never even got to know life, who never knew its parents love, whose existence was never even acknowledged.
She couldn't even bring herself to cry any longer. She didn't deserve to shed tears for an
angel. An angel who she had killed. An unjaded precious being that was no longer alive, because of her. She looked at the letter she still held in her hands, and threw it to the ground, yet another thing she didn't deserve.
She could feel the simple possibility of the dream being shattered, and the pain of it strangely calmed her a bit. She liked the feeling of the pain, it made her feel like she was
getting what she deserved. She tried to choke back the sobs that were coming.
Carly: No, no you don't deserve to cry, not to shed a single tear, do you see? Do you see what happens when you try to believe in empty dreams? You couldn't even protect your own child. You couldn't even keep him safe.
She yelled at herself, as she felt herself breaking down. She wanted to run, but knew she
couldn't, she wanted to turn on her side, to face the wall, to shut the world out, but she couldn't because of the monitors and IV, and so she remained, head in hands, choking on her sobs as tears streamed.
Tears of loss, the loss of the possibility of the dream, for that dream, that hope, that future, the loss of the one man who could have made it okay, but most of all the loss of pieces of
herself, and the loss of her child; their child. She prayed silently for her angel as she cried
herself to sleep, no longer able to fight the increased dose of sedatives.
A million thoughts and emotions raged through her in those all too brief moments of clarity, just before sleep hit.
How could she do this? Did Sonny know? Is that why he had left? If he didn't, how could she ever tell him? Ever face him? Were her other babies okay? Was the lost one safe? How could she do this? How could she kill her own baby? How could she?

~Elsewhere in the hospital
Sonny sat obediently by Luke and Laura, not really knowing what else to do. He knew they were just trying to be there for him, but he didn't even know where there was. He felt so much as he reflected over the events of the past few hours. The doctor had informed him that he had let yet another innocent die, he had read of wonder and hope for the future, what he knew would turn out to be false hope for the future, and then tried to walk out on the one person to whom he owed so much.
He thought of her letter. He knew he would cherish it forever, but he couldn't even dare to
believe in the words Carly had written. He knew she had written them with the utmost sincerity, but he also knew that was before she learned firsthand that he was a murderer. Nevertheless, he'd always be thankful that someone thought he was worth something; worth loving, even if it was only for an all too brief time. He realized he was being completely selfish by sitting here wallowing in his own pain and guilt, that he owed Carly so much more than this. That no matter how much it hurt, and how much he dreaded losing her, he owed her more than to disillusion her. He knew he had to be there for her, to tell her what he had done, even if it meant losing her. He needed to see her, to see her face just once more, before she asked him to leave her life forever.
He rose quietly and told Luke and Laura that he was going to be with Carly. They simply nodded and watched a broken man try to steal himself against the world, both remembering that April night when they had been forced to do the same.

~An Undisclosed Location
He watched the steam swirl around him as he sat slumped against the shower wall, knees drawn, feeling each drop of hot water assault him, each one bringing to attention another part of his body that would forever remain unclean. He sat in the painfully hot water praying that it would help to numb the pain, but his prayers remained unanswered, as they always did.
He felt the tears come and cursed himself for being so weak. In a flash of anger he rose and turned the water to shiver-inducing cold, no longer wanting numbness, but wanting to feel. To feel the pain, to feel the frigidity, to feel it all. He closed his eyes and repeatedly splashed his face allowing the ice-cold water to mix with his hot tears until he could no longer tell which was which. He coughed as he felt the pain of the cold water hitting his bruised skin, and quickly shut the water off, wishing that once, just once, he could emerge feeling clean, but he had given up on that impossibility long ago.

~Room 427 at GH
Sonny entered cautiously. He took in her face, it was overought with pain and he could see the tear tracks. She woke up while I was gone, he thought.
Damn, I should have been here for her, he felt.
Oh, and what could would that have done? he thought.
His heart and his mind continued their battle, as his eyes caught sight of the papers on the ground.
He knew...he knew it was his letter, and he knew it had been thrown down. He picked it up, taking in the tear stains on it, and was crushed that she had discarded it so. He knew he didn't deserve her love, but to feel her rejection. To feel it already, before he had even told her of his failure.
What if she already knows? She must know, he thought. Oh God, what did she think? But how could she know? But how could she not? He should never have left her, being close to her once more made him realize just how much he needed her, and now I've lost her forever.
Sonny: Please Caroline, I need you to not hate me.
He said this quietly as he took her hand and kneeled by her bedside, not feeling he deserved the chair that still sat where he had left it.