September 1...It's September first but I'm updating on the August page, yes, I'm fully aware. But it's like 10:30 and we just got done packing to leave for New York at eight-thirty tomorrow morning, and you should see how we utterly defied the laws of physics by packing all of our stuff into one little suitcase. Michael will probably get a hernia from lifting the damn thing once, much less carrying it around everywhere.

So tonight I had to run to Wal-Mart to buy some last minute toiletries, and let me just say that they must have let out the ugly people and bussed them all to Wal-Mart tonight, because a bigger collection of freaks I have never seen before. The smell of freshly permed hair permeated the building, and the ratio of fat people to skinny was about 6:1. Nothing against my heavy brothers and sisters, it's just that the large people seem to love Wal-Mart. Why? So I made it in and out with relatively little mental anguish, which was a feat in itself. Oh, and we went to the mall earlier today because we both needed pants (which I successfully found, yeah me!), and you should have SEEN what this girl was wearing. If I had my digital camera with me I would have taken her picture right then and there, damn the ass kicking that would have inevitably followed. This woman was at least a double d cup, and boy, was she flaunting it. She was wearing like a v-neck top except the v was really low? You know the shirt I'm talking about? And the boobs were totally overflowing. Spilling out. Flooding the mall. I was totally entranced by these mammaries. It was like watching a car accident. And if you knew the area I lived in, and if you knew how scummy virutally every man who lives here is, you would wonder what on god's green earth possessed this woman to wear that outfit. I was staring at her in amazement and wonder and she totally gave me this look like "What the fuck are you looking at?", which begs the question, how does one expect to dress like that and NOT have people stare? Ugh.

Today I officially changed my last name. It's weird. I keep signing my old name. That's all I really have to say about that.

I am so excited about leaving for NYC tomorrow. I haven't been in eight years, and I am ready to go. Plus I am anxious to escape the bullshit that is my job right now. I could write a novel about how much I hate a certain person at work, but I have vowed to myself to try not to think about what a fuckhead, shit for brains, pathetic excuse for a human being he is. I just wish I could find a way to punish him. That is my goal. I wish I was like queen of the United States so I could put him to death or something. Hate is such an ugly emotion, I'm really trying to purge it from my system, but it's damn hard when you're reminded on a constant basis how evil some people are and then the fact that they get away with it makes it far far worse.

Okay, I need to wind down and try and get some sleep. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I'll be sure to take plenty of pictures and maybe even try and update while I'm there. Happy Labor Day!

August 29...Okay, wedding hysteria is dying...fading...ahhh. It's over.

So I'm having serious work issues lately. As in, I once again find my job incredibly boring. This is causing an incredible amount of angst, in that I am starting to suspect that it's not my job that's the problem, it's me. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe the only business-related task that gives me any pleasure in life is balancing my checkbook. Does this mean I should be an accountant, or does this indicate I am officially insane? Whatever it is, it's nice to be able to say to my boss "I'm really sick of what I'm doing and what you pay me is a travesty." I can say that to him because he's my dad. But because he's my dad, he can say "tough shit". Actually, he's more sympathetic than that, but sympathy don't pay the bills.

So what should I do? How I can make what I deserve and be happy at the same time? I guess I just need to start looking again. Be patient. Move. Win the lottery. Join the mafia.

You should see my apartment. It hasn't quite recovered from Michael's bachelor party. Actually, I can't really blame them, they cleaned up quite well after themselves. Except for the 25 glasses stacked in the sink, each one reeking of gin or whiskey, that I had to HAND WASH because our apartment doesn't have a dishwasher (can you believe that shit, I thought that was illegal in this day and age). I don't know why I washed them, I better stop doing shit like that or Michael will get used to it. Yeah.

I went running tonight because I decided that my butt was beginning to look like a golf ball (?) and afterwards I had so much blood rushing to my brain I felt like I was going to pass out. Is that normal? Something tells me no. It was actually enjoyable. Maybe I'll keep it up for more than a week.

Here we are, the happy couple. Please ignore my fat arms. Also, I don't know what is up with my hair. Notice my bouquet on the far left. Que bonita, no?

August 27...Well, I signed the guestbook saying I would update later once I wasn't so tired, but I can't seem to wind down yet. The wedding was more meaningful and lovely than I possibly thought it could be. I can't stop myself from thinking about the look on Michael's face as he said his vows to me (it was a good look, by the way, not the one of sheer terror and panic that would have been totally understandable.) The toasts given in our honor. Dancing with my dad. Seeing the faces of all of our friends and family, so happy for us. Last week I was questioning our decision to have what I thought would be a stereotypical wedding, with what seemed to be trite and meaningless traditions. Now, I wouldn't have traded August 25th for anything in the world. The future seems so bright, and I've never been happier.

Of course there were some funny moments, too. I tried to put Michael's ring on the wrong hand. Ramsey, my maid of honor, would have made any linebacker proud with her successful attempt to catch the bouquet. The dream I had earlier in the month was a bit prophetic...I did get drunk, but I didn't wake up in my wedding dress. There was however a small cigarette burn at the bottom of the dress, but those things happen, and it's barely noticeable. I really didn't mean to get drunk, but champagne does funny things to me. I have my bouquet sitting in a vase of water...it's still so beautiful, but I know when the roses finally die and I have to throw it away I will be very sad. Although the wedding ceremony and reception was a celebration to mark the beginning of our lives together, a rite of passage if you will, I can't imagine ever having a lovelier evening.

To my friends and family that read my page, thank you.

August 22...Ok, a few brief words about the wedding and other related details and then I swear I will not mention it for the rest of the update. I vowed to myself that I would not be one of those girls who bored everyone with incessant talk about the bullshit that is a wedding ceremony, and here I am imposing my sappiness on dozens of strangers on the internet. Sheesh.

Ok, first of all, Priceline.com rules. All of my contacts (okay, two) fell through, and Monday I was convinced that either we were going to go broke staying in New York or we would be sleeping in a puddle of someone's urine in a subway station for the duration of our visit. So imagine how delighted I was when we got a hotel for $716.00, taxes included, for five nights. I was a little terrified at first, thinking that if anything it would make for a good story. But if this hotel's website is to be believed, it looks quite nice. So yay! Start spreading the news, I'm leaving September 2nd, I want to be a part of it, blah blah blah.

The other thing I wanted to say is having a social circle that likes to knock back a few drinks from time to time is all very fine and well when they're paying for their own, but when you're faced with the prospect of paying for all of them, especially at a WEDDING (which seems to bring out the beast in many of them, go figure), it's enough to make you want to cry. The bar situation is really worrying me. What I've resorted to is looking at my list of invitees and sorting them in categories such as "Social Drinker", "Moderate Lush", and "Complete Drunk". This way I can get a better estimate on how much I'm looking at. Oy vey. Next time I'm eloping. (That was a joke. Just thought I'd make that clear.)

My cat is officially insane. There is a broom propped up in a corner of our apartment that she spends hours in front of sniffing. She smells this broom night and day. I don't quite understand why. I would put the broom up, but if this is how she gets her kicks, whatever. Different strokes and all that nonsense. Freak.

Ok, all the funny things I had to talk about have flown out of my head. I need to start carrying around a notepad so I can jot down the fleeting moments of brilliance I have.

August 19...I have been so not in the mood to update lately. It's getting pretty bad. I think I'm having a bit of a web page identity crisis. I find myself asking, "Do I want to continue doing this?" "Are people going to still visit my page if I start making bi-annual updates?" "What the hell does choad mean?"

So for now I'm still here, but my enthusiasm is definetly on the wane.

Game day is Friday. I get married Friday. I'm a little nervous. Ok, I'm a lot nervous. Michael's idea to elope sounds really good about now. Of course anytime I mention that to him I get greeted with a chorous of told-you-so's and you-should-listen-to-me-more-often's, so don't tell him I said that.

Sorry that Daily Dirt has been so wedding-obsessive. I promise it will calm down by next week.

August 14...What a fucking weekend. I had my bachelorette party Saturday night. It was very ugly. It started out quite innocuously, dinner at a great restaurant and attempts at drinking slowly so that we weren't all fools by the end of the evening. Then, despite all of my requests NOT to make me wear something stupid like a veil with condoms on it, what am I presented with? A veil with condoms. My poor friends, I am such a party pooper. I wore it for about an hour and took it off when I got tired of people staring at me with the same look I give to other girls wearing the veil with condoms. I thought perhaps that at some point in the evening I would stop caring and let myself get carried away enough to wear it, but my dignity stuck around all night. I spent all day yesterday in bed with a hangover like nothing I have ever experienced. Today I got back the pictures from that night. Fucking scary. I can't possibly look like that, it's got to be some sort of conspiracy, with Fuji and Miller Lite as co-conspirators. Let's just say when the booze is flowing and I'm feeling sexy, it's just that. A feeling. Because I'm one of those red-faced drunks, and my face gets greasy or something, it's awful. Let's just leave it at that.

So I'm waiting for Tropical Storm Beryl to hit, what a fucking name. Maybe I'll get to miss work tomorrow. I better not get my hopes up too high, it never happens.

August 10...Yesterday my page was completely down. Gone. Vanished. I thought in my paranoid way that Angelfire had banned me or something for talking so much shit about them. Today it's back up. Whatever.

I'm getting seriously freaky about the wedding. I have this weird reluctance to be the center of attention, which is not a good trait when you're GETTING MARRIED, so that is making me nervous. Plus every night I have a dream that something goes wrong. Last night's dream went as follows...I woke up the morning after the wedding still in my dress, which had a bunch of cigarette burns and stains on it. Apparently I had gotten wasted and couldn't remember a single detail of the wedding. It was awful. And I seriously hope not a prediction of things to come.

August 6...I just finished playing the whackest game ever..."Issac Asimov's Super Quiz II". Michael found it at a flea market this weekend and since it was marked for the low, low price of $1.00 just had to buy it. First of all, the questions are totally bizzare. The TV category is completely impossible to answer, since most of the shows quizzed took place in the 70's or early 80's. The only question I could correctly answer was the one about B.J. and the Bear. My categorical forte was the travel and famous people categories...except about 50% of the travel questions had to do with Australia, a place I know absolutely nothing about. Here is a sample question:

The kookaburra bird, because of its loud braying, is called the __________.

First of all, what normal person (besides Aussie Lisa, of course) would know the answer to that question (which happens to be "laughing jackass"...no shit), and second of all, what is that doing in the travel section? The game is so weird and so engaging that I'll probably pester Michael into playing at least three more times tonight.

Speaking of Aussie Lisa, I think I will indulge her request posted in my guestbook to discuss the wedding. It's in less than three weeks. I'm starting to get a little nervous. But in a good way. I've got the flowers ordered, the band booked, my dress is ready to go, yet I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that something has been left out. Of course that could just be my neurotic nature. We're leaving for New York a week later for six days, which will be fantastic. Ok, so that wasn't much discussion after all. Sorry, I tried.

Movie review time...after a very late Friday evening with much imbibing taking place, the last thing I wanted to do on Saturday was move. So we decided to rent movies. Now, usually when we do this I lose complete interest within 20 minutes of starting the tape. I'm not a big TV person, and have a hard time sitting still to watch movies unless they're totally engaging. So, the fact that I made it through two complete movies without losing total interest says something.

Apollo 13...I did lose some interest in the movie. This wasn't my choice, and while some parts held my attention, others did not. I dislike Tom Hanks intensely. Space is kinda neat, though. I already knew the ending, so it's not like I was sitting on the edge of my seat. Only got up to walk around, get on the phone for about 20 minutes. According to my scale, this was 3 1/2 stars out of five.

Dogma...Didn't expect too much out of this one, mainly due to my general dislike of Ben Damon and Matt Affleck. But they were surprisingly not annoying, even funny at times. I think Janeane should have played Linda Fiorentino's part, but that's just me. Chris Rock was great, but why for the love of god is Alanis Morrisette in this movie? Why? Why? Don't encourage this woman's career. Ever. I don't understand what all the fuss over Catholicism was...it was hardly attacked at all. Or maybe I'm missing something. Four stars out of five.

August 3... So who wants to volunteer to join my jihad against Angelfire? I am so disgusted with them. If it's not one thing it's another. I can't log on, my page is unavailable, bitch bitch moan moan. Fuckers.

Oh good, the Prince William show is on E! I know it is wrong to have lustful thoughts about a boy seven years younger than me, but....look at him. Fine, fine piece of ass. He is the Tasters Choice of famous men, the Veuve Cliqout of fineness. I'm talking in purely aesthetic terms; I wouldn't ever want to actually have a conversation with him or something...he is probably the dullest thing on the planet.

So everyone by now has to have seen the previews for the movie that has generated the most excitement I have felt for the cinema in a very long time...."Coyote Ugly". I am aching to see this movie. The first time I saw the preview, my jaw hung wide open in utter disbelief...and after it was all over, I thought, this is going to be the greatest movie ever made. "Showgirls" is going to take a backseat as my favorite cheese movie of all time. I am so psyched. I urge all my readers to see this movie, please support this cinematic genre! We need more T&A movies! They are the stuff humor is made of!

I would also like to discuss psychic commericals. Can they be more blatant in their obvious targeting of the black/lower-income demographic? Why so discriminatory? There are plenty of stupid white people who I'm sure would fall for these gimmicks too. "Yeah, so, I want to find out when my boyfriend is getting out of jail." Why not something a bit more classy? Why not "I want to know if my Merck stock is going to take off soon"? Why?

August 2...I was in a brown mood, what can I say?

So now that I've been doing yoga for a full week, I feel like it's time to give my opinion. It's not bad, actually. The only problem I have with it is that I'm not quite sure I'm getting any relaxation out of it, because I'm too fixated on the freaky ladies on the tape. I've memorized every inane piece of shit that comes out of Linda's mouth, and when she talks about becoming one with the pose and getting that flying feeling, I want to smack the shit out of the TV because if there's one realization I've come to, it's that yoga is HARD. I also must have bought a really budget tape because at one point she says to raise my right leg when really she means my left and I always lose my concentration on that part. But I can now balance without wobbling too much on one leg, which if you knew how clumsy I am, is a real feat.

Do you ever bid on something on eBay and then really hope you don't win, but then you do and you feel like such a sucker? That happened to me yesterday. And now I have to pay for something that is totally overpriced and I don't want to, but there is also no way I'm going to ruin my spotless feedback record. Of course, I've only ever gotten four comments, but it's the principle. You understand.