The Sorrowful Snowboarding Succession

Bethany: My patheticness shows once again. I am stupid enough in this one to take the gang snow boarding. *hits herself in head* I think I've gone nuts! (No comments from the peanut gallery, please)

Sephiroth: Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

Matt: *whispering to Bethany* What's wrong with him?

Bethany: Nothing, why?

Matt: He's so... happy.

Bethany: Didn't I tell you? I'm taking him snow boarding, along with everyone else.

Matt: *stares at Bethany unbelieving* WHAT???

Bethany: I'm not crazy. It'll be fun!

Matt: Glad I'm not going.

Bethany: Oh, you're going Matt.

Matt: No.

Bethany: Come on!

Matt: NO!

Bethany: I guess Tifa can ride by herself on the lift then...

Matt: Well, in that case...

Bethany: Cloud isn't coming either. He accidentally hurt himself with that sword of his.

Matt: When are we leaving?

Sephiroth: Matt isn't coming too is he?

Bethany: Of, course! Sephy, stop whining!

Sephiroth: I'm not whining!

Matt: Yeah, you are! You always do! Whine whine whine! All the time! Why...

Sephiroth: *picks Matt up by the collar*

Bethany: Sephy, put Matt down.

Sephiroth: *drops Matt*

Matt: Where do you keep that Manipulate Materia anyway, Bethany?

Bethany and Sephiroth: *stare at Matt gravely*

Matt: I'm going to go put my snow pants on now.

HOURS LATER AT THE NORTHERN CRATER SKI RESORT...

Bethany: ...So, really what you have to concentrate on is keeping your balance and make sure you don't cut the edge of your board too far too fast or you'll wipe out. Okay, everyone ready?

Matt: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sephiroth: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rufus: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Reno: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rude: ... ... ...

Elena: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Barret: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tifa: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Cid: Zzz@#&%!zzzz

Shera: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Vincent: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yuffie: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

RedXIII: Zzzzzzpurrrr

Genevieve: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Reeve: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Cait Sith: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Bethany: WAKE UP!!!

Everyone: ...Sorry...

Bethany: Now that we're all suited up and ready to go, everyone get in groups of three!

Reno: Hey, Bethany, can I go with you?

Bethany: *gives Reno a doubtful look*

Reno: Oh, come on! I don't know how and I didn't listen to a word you said!

Bethany: *sarcastically* Oh, I'm touched you listened so intently.

Reno: Well? Can I hang with you?

Sephiroth: I'm going with Matt!

Matt: But I'm going with Tifa!

Tifa: She did say groups of three...

Sephiroth: *puts a very strong hand on Matt's shoulder* We're gonna have lots of fun!

Rufus: Hey Yuffie! Comere!

Yuffie: *looks at Rufus strangely and points to herself* Me?

Rufus: *rolls his eyes* Yes, you!

Yuffie: What do you want?

Rufus: I heard that Bethany's sister Genevieve was making fun of us. Calling me Dufus and you Tuffie. How bout we...*wink*...pal up with her?

Yuffie: Revenge...

Rufus and Yuffie: Oh, Geeeenevieeeeeve!!!

Genevieve: *innocently* Cooooming!

Reno: Puhleeeeeeeese???

Bethany: Reno, stop it!

Reno: I'm one of your favorite characters... comon!

Rude: Bethany, want to be my partner?

Bethany: Sure Rude! *gives Rude hug*

Reno: *starts to pull hair out* What am I doing wrong??? I don't get it!

Elena: Probably never will...

Reno: Shut up, Elena!

Bethany: Reno, if you wanna come... I guess you can tag along with Rude and me.

Reno: *grumbles* Fine.

Reeve: Um, Bethany? I don't have a partner.

Bethany: Hmmm. Guess you'll have to come with Rude, Reno, and me.

Reeve: R-really?

Bethany: Sure, why not! The more the merrier!

Reno: That's right! Only we need more girls in order to...

Everyone: Shut up, Reno!

Reno: *grumbles*

Bethany: *sigh* Now that everyone has a partner, we can all get going.

Matt: *whining* But I don't wanna be with Sephy!

Sephiroth: *stares at Matt gravely* Did I say you could call me 'Sephy?'

Matt: *sheepishly* Did you say I couldn't?

Sephiroth: *Pulls out masamune*

Matt: I mean sorry...

Tifa: *now wearing a tight pink snow suit* Are we ready now?

Matt: *staring at Tifa* Pink?

Tifa: Well, Aeris told me I should... well, uh...

Sephiroth: When did you ever start taking advice from Aeris? Isn't she the one I killed?

Matt: No, no. Pink is not your color. That is way too... too...

Sephiroth: ...pink.

Tifa: *sigh* Fine. I'll go change.

Reno: Hey Tifa! Need any help? I'm real good at changing clothes!

Tifa: *smiling* Sure...

Reno: *mumbles* Finally. *walks into girl's restroom and before he even closes the door a gloved hand shoots out and Reno flies across the room, landing between the antlers of a moose hanging on the wall* Ouch...

Bethany: Reno, are you coming? Rude, Reeve, and I have been ready.

Reno: *dazed* Just... hold on a second... Ohh, that hurt.

Barret: I'm not goin'

Red XIII: Why not, Barret?

Barret: Well first of all, they don't make boots big enough for my big feet.

Red XIII: I sympathize. All the snow boards have two sets of bindings. I happen to have four feet.

Cait Sith: I'm staying behind too. My mog, however wants to go.

Mog: *nods*

Cait Sith: So he is going to need a partner.

Shera: Well, he could come with Cid and I, right Cid?

Cid: Sure! Why the $%^& not? I'm gonna be @#$%^&$ fallin' on my #$%^@&^ @%$

the whole $#%& time anyway!

Shera: Cid! Well, uh, Mog, you might want to go with Vincent and Elena. Cid and I would just be a burden.

Vincent: We would be honored if you would accompany us.

Elena: Yeah, you can come with us.

Mog: *nods*

Tifa: *emerges in new green snow suit* Is this better?

Matt: Ohh, yeah. I mean uh-huh.

Sephiroth: You look fine. Now shut up.

Matt: *balls fists* How dare you talk to a lady like that!

Sephiroth: I'm Sephiroth. I can do whatever I darn well please! For example, I can have my very own cooking show!!!

AND HERE'S COOKING WITH CHEF-IROTH!!!

Sephiroth: That's SEPH-iroth, you imbecile! *pulls on chef's hat angrily*

WITH YOUR HOST... WELL, JUST GUESS ...

Guy in the back of the Audience: Uh... Well, ummm. That's a hard one. I, I just I don't know. Hmmm. That's, yeah, that's a hard one... Uhhhhh... I give up.

Sephiroth: ME you idiot!

Guy in the back of the Audience: Oh, yeah. I knew that. I was just messing with your minds. Yes... messing with ALL of your minds! Every single one! HAHAHA!!!

Sephiroth: Hojo???

Guy in the back of the Audience: That's right! HAHAHA! I'm so glad to see that you've grown to be as evil as I am!

Sephiroth: Someone go call the guys in the white jackets to take him away!

Men in White Jackets: You called?

Sephiroth: Take that kook out of here! We're in the middle of a cooking show!

Guy in the back of the Audience: You can't do this to me!!! HAHAHAHA! You fools! I will destroy you all!!!

Men in White Jackets: *take a screaming and kicking Hojo to a nice place with padded

walls* That's what all the mad scientists say.

Sephiroth: Anyway... Today I'm going to make a superb dessert called Mince Meat Matt Pie. First, you have to get your equipment. Dough, a pie pan, a stove, a masamune, some other stuff, and of course, a Matt.

Matt: *bound and gagged* Mgmph! Mamghmaphm!!!

Sephiroth: Umm, yes. Well, after you have your dough in your pie pan, or something, you get your... Matt. Hahaha!!! *pulls Matt onto cutting board by his feet*

Matt: MAPHAGMUPHAH!!!

Sephiroth: You take your Matt, position him firmly on the cutting board, take your masamune and... *holds sword up above head* This is the best part!

Bethany: SEPHIROTH!!! Stop that this instant!

Sephiroth: But...

Bethany: No! No excuses!

Sephiroth: But...

Bethany: No buts! Now get back to my ramble!

Sephiroth: Bethany, I... *holds up long sword again*

Bethany: *looks at Sephiroth doubtfully*

Sephiroth: I... *grumbles and disappears*

Bethany: *unties Matt*

Matt: Thanks Bette. I really though he was gonna, well... get me this time.

Bethany: No problem. Now lets go snow boarding all ready!

HOURS LATER WHILE SNOW BOARDING AT THE NORTHERN CRATER SKI RESORT...

Reno: *riding chair lift with Rude, Bethany, and Reeve* This has been real fun. All I've gotten so far is bruises! I haven't gotten one smooch yet!

Bethany: Oh, Reno, stop complaining. Actually, I think I've improved a lot since last time!

I may even be ready to try the half pipe soon!

Reeve: Sounds cool.

Rude: I'm with you.

Reno: Maybe I'll just go back to the lodge. I'm not having any fun.

Bethany: Oh, come on Reno! The only reason I took everyone snow boarding is because I wanted everyone to have fun!

Reno: Well, I'm not having any fun. Not even one single kiss yet, how can I be having fun? My definition of fun and your definition of fun must be very different.

Bethany: *sigh*

Reno: Wow! *nudges Reeve* Look at that chick on ski patrol down there! I sure would like her taking care of my bruises, if you know what I mean!

Reeve: *rolls eyes* I swear Reno! If I cut you, you'd bleed hormones.

Bethany: Comere Reno. Lemme give you that smooch.

Reno: Baby! I knew you wanted me!

Bethany: *mumbling* Yeah, as much as you want a hole in your head.

Reno: *moves over next to Bethany* Okay, I'm ready...

Bethany: Oh, did I say smooch? I meant smack!

Reno: *eyes narrow but then suddenly widen with a look of pure fear* ...

Bethany: *smacks Reno*

Reno: Ah! *Reno looses balance and falls, the edge of his snow board catching on the bottom bar*

Bethany: Whoopsy!

Reeve: Hmmm... Whatever shall we do?

Rude: ... ... *snickers* ...

Reno: ...help...me... you guys... *a beautiful snowflake falls lightly down from the cloudy atmosphere... and onto Reno's forehead; a small bluebird flutters its little wings and alofts... on the end of Reno's snow board; a single chocobo feather wafts gently in the wind; it comes to a land... right under Reno's nose...* AAAACHOOO!

Bethany: Uh-oh.

Reno: *falls as his snow board slips from the bar* Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!

Rude: ... *cracks a smile* ...

Reeve: Heh, its what he deserves!

Bethany: Uh-oh. Look. Here comes that ski patrol lady. Maybe Reno will have fun after all.

Reeve: But, wait... Look who else is coming!

Reno: OW! Ow, my leg! I think it is seriously broken! *starts bawling* Owowow!!!

Sabrina: Hi, my name is Sabrina. I am certified in first aid. Can I help you?

Reno: Pretty please! It hurts! Ouch!

Sabrina: *into radio* I'm gonna need some assistance. We have a guy here with a broken leg. Send Bruce the Brute over to help me.

Reno: Bruce the *gulp*brute?

Bruce: *in a Switzerland type accent* Yah, I am comink! Don you vorry! I can help you!

Sabrina: Oh, great! Another guy took a bad wipe out over there. Better go check it out. Can you take care of him, Bruce?

Bruce: Yah, I can do it. Go ond help the other man! I vill get dis von!

Reno: Bruce?

Bruce: Yah, dat is me! I am Bruce da Brute! I vill help you now!

Reno: Heh, heh... Why me?

Bruce: Oh, my gad! I sink ve have to amputate you leg! Don vorry! Dis von't hurt even a bit! *pulls out chainsaw* Vroooooochchch! Vrooooochchch! I going to help you! Yah!

Reno: Oh, my... SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

Bruce: I am! Now hold still! I vill cut your lag off now!

Reno: What about anesthesia?

Bruce: Vell, if you vant I can knock you out!

Reno: No thanks! *Gets up and tries running but falls after a few feet* Argh!

Bruce: Hey now! You come back here! I don't vant to have to hurt you now!

Reno: BETH-A-NYYYYY!!! HELP ME!!! AHHHHH!!!

Rufus: *riding ski lift with Genevieve and Yuffie* So, Genevieve...

Genevieve: Call me Veve.

Yuffie: *rolls eyes*

Rufus: Veve, I heard from a very reliable source that you called me... Dufus.

Yuffie: Yeah, and ME Tuffie!

Genevieve: Now why would I, a perfect little angel, do an awful, gawd forsaken thing like

that? Who told you guys this?

Rufus: I can't tell. She might cut me out of her rambles for good!

Genevieve: My SISTER? Why I outta... I mean, the poor thing, lying like that. *sigh*

Well, you can't believe everything you hear.

Rufus: So, you mean you never called me Dufus?

Genevieve: *crosses fingers inside mittens* No! Of course not!

Yuffie: And you never called me... Tuffie?

Genevieve: Never! Would I do a thing like that?

Rufus: Well...

Genevieve: Don't answer that! Now, I need to get my sister back for telling on me... I mean for making up those silly lies... Yeah.

Rufus: Umm, we could always pelt her mercilessly with pillows until she's bruised and broken!

Genevieve and Yuffie: *roll eyes*

Rufus: Well, it was just a stupid suggestion!

Yuffie: Yeah, stupid is right!

Rufus: *glares at Yuffie*

Yuffie: *sticks tongue out at Rufus and Rufus pushes her head onto the safety bar where her tongue sticks* He-y! You can'd do dat! OW! Geh me oth this stubid bah! *whimpers*

Rufus: *snickers*

Genevieve: Stop fooling around you idiots! We have to get revenge on my sister!

Rufus: WE? Why us? She's you sister! She didn't do anything to us!

Yuffie: Yeah! She didn do aythin ta uth!

Genevieve: Don't you remember the last ramble? Du- I mean Rufus, remember how my sister had Sephiroth smack your head off of your neck?

Rufus: Yeah... it wasn't that bad...

Genevieve: And Yuffie, my sister had a Hobo drop a 'barrel o fire' on top of you in her first ramble!

Yuffie: It didn hurd dat bad... can you ged my ton off here?

Genevieve: Well, how bout it? Wanna help me?

Rufus: Well...

Yuffie: Uhh...

Genevieve: Puhleeeeese?

Rufus and Yuffie: *nod slowly*

Genevieve: *evily* This could be fun...

Cid: Hey... I think I'm gettin' the hang of this! Shera! Look! Look at me! I'm... Ahhhhh! *Cid hits a patch of ice and accidentally veers into the terrain park*

Shera: Uh-oh... CID!

Cid: *hits a jump, flips a series of times and lands head first into the snow*

Shera: *rushes over to help Cid* Cid, are you all right?

Cid: I'm fine, but my $%*& cigarettes are wet!

Shera: *rolls eyes and helps Cid up*

Cid: *pulls Shera down with him* Whoops!

Shera: Cid!

Cid: Baby, I'm sorry!

Shera: No your not! *kisses Cid*

Cid: Hey look! There goes Mog!

Shera: A perfect moment spoiled...

Cid: Hey Mog! Your fly's down!

Mog: *tries to turn around to look at his back, but has no neck and falls*

Cid: @&$%! Look He fell for it! *cracks up*

Shera: *hits Cid* That was mean! What has he ever done to you! The poor stuffed animal!

Mog: *starts to roll down hill, collecting snow as he goes, and is headed strait for the lodge*

Cid: Oh, $%&*... there goes Mog.

Shera: *sighs* Look what you've done now!

Barret: *inside lodge* Hmph! I knew I shouldn't of come. Ain't no use.

Cait Sith: Its not all that bad. At least we're not out there freezing our hind ends off.

Barret: Yeah, bein' stuck inside with you makes up fer that! *puts hand up to ear* You

Cait Sith: No, what?

RedXIII: I hear it... it sounds like its getting much closer... extremely fast!

Barret: That rumblin' noise... Sounds like a *&$% earthquake!

Barret, RedXIII, and Cait Sith: *walk outside to see what's going on and are mercilessly plowed over by a huge, pink snowball*

Barret: What the... mgphmmm!

Cait Sith: Ahhh!

RedXIII: Oh, no...

Barret: Argh! Get this oversized stuffed mog offa me!

Cait Sith: Mog? What happened?

RedXIII: *picking balls of snow from his fur* A boarding accident, I suppose.

Mog: *wipes excess snow off of his little purple wings and shrugs*

Barret: Stupid piece of no good cotton fluff!

Mog: *hops back to the ski lift on his snow board*

Elena: *resting at the bottom of Chocobo Run (a ski slope)* Gee, Vince. I didn't think you'd be so good on a snow board.

Vincent: Why did you assume I wouldn't?

Elena: Oh, I dunno. You'd think spending thirty or so years of your life in a coffin, you wouldn't get out too often.

Vincent: Oh, I guess your right. It must be natural ability then.

Elena: Ummm, something like that. Hey, where did Mog wander off to anyway? He was supposed to meet us here after he took a run on the half pipe.

Vincent: Maybe he ran into some difficulties on his way down.

Elena: Hmmm. Probably.

Vincent: Maybe we'd better go and see if he needs any assistance.

Elena: Yeah, maybe we should. *squinting* Hey, isn't that Reno over there?

Vincent: I believe it is... But who is that man chasing him with a chainsaw?

Elena: Some guy from ski patrol. Reno was probably trying to hit on the poor guy's girlfriend. Oh, well. Lets see if we can find Mog.

Sephiroth: *does a 360, a rodeo, and a tail grab and lands it perfectly coming down the half pipe. Then he does a misty and a 720 and lands that with ease. Finally he does a noseslide and two backflips while spinning an incredible 1080! Wow*

Tifa and Matt: *stare with mouths hanging open*

Tifa: Gee, pretty neat. Where'd you learn to do that?

Sephiroth: What do you think I did in that barrier in the Northern Crater, absorbed energy from the planet or something?

Matt: More than likely.

Sephiroth: *glares at Matt* No, I was snow boarding the whole time! That's why I'm so good.

Tifa: Ugh. Men who gloat disgust me.

Matt: I-I don't gloat, Tifa.

Tifa: I know. I don't think I said you disgust me, did I?

Matt: Well, no... I...

Tifa: *squinting* Who in the world... Reno?

Matt: *also squinting* Who's that weirdo from ski patrol that's chasing him with a chainsaw???

Sephiroth: You mean there's death and destruction going on and I'm not apart of it? *whining* That's not fair!

Tifa: A man who gloats and whines? How pathetic!

Matt: I don't whine either...

Sephiroth: *pulls out long sword, slices his snow board bindings, and runs after Reno and the ski patrol guy*

Matt: Gee, Tifa. I guess its just you and me now, huh?

Tifa: Hmm... I guess so. Wanna go ride the ski lift with me?

Matt: Sure!

Rude: *does a 360 on the half pipe and lands it*

Reeve: Nice one Rude!

Bethany: Yeah that was sweet! Wish I was that good.

Rude: *grins and blushes*

Bethany: Wow, its dark all ready... look at the time! We've got to herd everyone up and get outta here before this place closes.

Reeve: Yeah. Well, my behind is wet and cold and I think my goatee is frozen. I wanna go and get warmed up.

Rude: ... ... *nods* ...

Bethany: Okay, lets head in for the night. I was getting cold too and... *stops and listens* Do you hear something?

Reeve and Rude: *staring, stand frozen in place as an enormous snowball hurls itself at unimaginable speeds towards Bethany's small helpless body*

Bethany: *turns and sees the huge snowball gaining speed and mass as it heads strait for her* Mommy...

*******************************POW************************************

Genevieve: Wow! Did we ever get her good! Yes!

Rufus: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all... I still think we should have beaten her with pillows...

Yuffie: *stands there, a ski lift safety bar hanging from her tongue* Uhhh... I don dink we thoulda don dat...

Genevieve: You guys are no fun! And I did call you guys names! HAHAHA! Tuffie and Dufus, all right! You guys actually believed me! You fell for it! What Idiots! HAHAHA! You fools! I'll destroy you all! HAHAHA!

Rufus: Hojo?

Genevieve: Heh, heh... *pulls off Genevieve disguise* How'd you guess?

Rufus: Well, the famous 'You fools, I'll destroy you all' line gave it away. All mad scientists seem to say the same thing... Someone call the Men in White Jackets!

Men in White Jackets: You called? ... Oh, him. We were looking for that guy. Some how he escaped. *grab Hojo and drag him away kicking and screaming*

Yuffie: *sigh*

Rufus: *digs foot into snow and hums*

Yuffie: *stares at the dark, starlit sky*

Rufus: *fiddles with his thumbs*

Yuffie: *pulls bar off of tongue*

Rufus: *snickers*

Yuffie: *rolls her eyes*

Rufus: I can't stand this silence! ... ... ...

Yuffie: ...

Rufus: So, you wanna go out and get something to eat?

Yuffie: Sure.

Cid: Shera I'm goin' in! My $%#*&%& @%$ is killin' me, I'm too #@$% cold, and I haven't had a #@$%^*& cigarette all ^%$&*$# day!

Shera: All right.

Cid: What's wrong with you woman??? You're always agreein' with me! Why can't you object er something!

Shera: Cid, to tell you the truth, I'm cold, I'm tired and I hurt all over... I'd really like to go and warm up in the lodge, all right?

Cid: Fine with me, baby!

Vincent: We haven't been able to locate Mog. Maybe he retreated to the lodge.

Elena: Probably. Why don't we go to the lodge and see.

Vincent: Good idea. Lets go.

MEANWHILE...

Mog: *in the half pipe getting awesome air, landing intense jumps, doing sweet flips, and impressing all the other boarders there*

Mog's Audience: Go Mog! Go Mog! Go Mog!

Reeve: Bethany??? Are you all right?

Bethany: *lying in a hospital bed surrounded by everyone she took snow boarding* Huh? What happened?

Reeve: Your sister who was really Hojo disguised as your sister, pushed a huge snowball down the hill and it hit you, covering you in feet of cold snow. Luckily, Rude went for help and I stayed there and dug you out. Mister Bruce over there singing to Reno is the one that got you out.

Reno: No... no... stop... the music... no more singing... no chainsaws... urgh...

Bruce: Come on now! Sing vith me every von! Join in on da fun! *starts singing again*

Bethany: No... no singing... stop, please... my head... ooooo...